i feel so clean, i feel amazing.
i have been trying to cut down to 500 calories a day - it hasn't been going too well but not for lack of trying. my eating habits are getting a lot better and starting today am going to return to the gym as frequently as possible.
today i ate:
breakfast ~ nothing
lunch ~ "mini curry rice bowl" from top noodle
dinner ~ crumbed chicken breast, mashed potato and salad
as far as exercise goes:
i went to the gym and did ab exercises, running on the treadmill, cycling and rowing.
ab exercises:
~ hold body up for 1 minute (works your core)
~ 40 regular sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 10 side-to-side sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 20 leg raises.
treadmill:
distance covered ~ 2.92 kms
time spent ~ 31 minutes
calories burned ~ 132
exercise bike:
distance covered ~ 6.85 kms
time spent ~ 22.5 mins
calories burned ~ 100
rowing machine:
distance covered ~ 520 metres
time spent ~ 3.2 minutes lol (this was cut short as we had to leave the gym).
calories burned ~ 26
i have also successfully quit marijuana. one day i will try and quit cigarettes, but for the moment, i couldn't feel cleaner.
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Sunday, 1 January 2012
the future.
i've been thinking about moving out a lot lately. mostly about what i have to do in preparation for when i do move out. this includes:
~ buying new furniture and re-doing my room (new wardrobe, new bed & sheets etc, duchess/dressing table)
~ start saving so i have some extra cash when i move out
~ buy my camera and all the other things i'm saving for beforehand, because i won't be able to save much if i'm living out of home.
i was talking to my mother, and she made it clear to me that i will be living in this house until i move out. i had expected that as a family we would be moving soon, but then i realised that was counter-productive. then when i moved out my mother would have to move again, to get a smaller place.
so i have begun preparing. i am going to start by saving for my camera and furniture simultaneously, mainly because i can't decide which i need/want more. i will be getting a bit of cash for my birthday which should help with my saving, (as long as i don't spend too much of it on shopping and my party). i'm also slowly getting rid of all the useless crap i have floating throughout my room. this not only includes old clothing and shoes etc that i no longer want, but also schooling stuff, and childhood memorabilia that i really must work up the courage to give away, or if i can't - pack it into some boxes and store it away.
i'm so incredibly happy after christmas, i have everything i need to be happy and continue living my life the way i want to. i have my doc martens (which i feel so comfortable in, and they're fantastic for all the hiking i end up doing at parties etc), my new gorgeous studded handbag (which can fit everything in it not to mention how in love i am with it), and i have new underwear and bras which i desperately needed.
this year will be a new beginning for me, i am going to focus more on myself and less on destroying myself. i want to focus on my art, my health and a healthy way of losing weight, saving and getting back in touch with myself.
i'm far too excited.
~ buying new furniture and re-doing my room (new wardrobe, new bed & sheets etc, duchess/dressing table)
~ start saving so i have some extra cash when i move out
~ buy my camera and all the other things i'm saving for beforehand, because i won't be able to save much if i'm living out of home.
i was talking to my mother, and she made it clear to me that i will be living in this house until i move out. i had expected that as a family we would be moving soon, but then i realised that was counter-productive. then when i moved out my mother would have to move again, to get a smaller place.
so i have begun preparing. i am going to start by saving for my camera and furniture simultaneously, mainly because i can't decide which i need/want more. i will be getting a bit of cash for my birthday which should help with my saving, (as long as i don't spend too much of it on shopping and my party). i'm also slowly getting rid of all the useless crap i have floating throughout my room. this not only includes old clothing and shoes etc that i no longer want, but also schooling stuff, and childhood memorabilia that i really must work up the courage to give away, or if i can't - pack it into some boxes and store it away.
i'm so incredibly happy after christmas, i have everything i need to be happy and continue living my life the way i want to. i have my doc martens (which i feel so comfortable in, and they're fantastic for all the hiking i end up doing at parties etc), my new gorgeous studded handbag (which can fit everything in it not to mention how in love i am with it), and i have new underwear and bras which i desperately needed.
this year will be a new beginning for me, i am going to focus more on myself and less on destroying myself. i want to focus on my art, my health and a healthy way of losing weight, saving and getting back in touch with myself.
i'm far too excited.
bringing in the new year
i had a wonderful night. i went to a party at one of my close friend's houses, with my boyfriend and my best friends. saw some people i didn't get along with, made up, saw all my good friends and enjoyed a good old fashioned drink-up.
i was wearing heels and a beautiful dress, and i was probably over dressed but i felt beautiful.
the most magical thing happened at midnight.
my boyfriend and i ended up separated, and i called him when there was 6 minutes to midnight, terrified that we would miss the midnight kiss. he ran to get a car back to the party i was at. i was standing out on the driveway, and i heard everyone counting down from 10. it got to two seconds, and my wonderful boyfriend was in my arms. we kissed exactly on midnight. it should have been in a movie.
so it's now a new year, new beginning. i don't care what people say about new years being just another day, it's cleansing for me, and an opportunity to be everything i want to be. this year, i plan to quit smoking marijuana, go to the gym at least three times a week and eat healthily (thus, losing weight). i also plan to completely re-do and re-furnish my room, save for my camera and start saving to move out of home.
i need to start looking for a new school to attend this year, i want to find a larger qld school so i have the opportunity to meet new friends and enjoy the company of new people. new start.
horrible photo of me with ellen in the backyard before we left.
group shot.
my boyfriend juleyin, myself, elle and luke.
i was wearing heels and a beautiful dress, and i was probably over dressed but i felt beautiful.
the most magical thing happened at midnight.
my boyfriend and i ended up separated, and i called him when there was 6 minutes to midnight, terrified that we would miss the midnight kiss. he ran to get a car back to the party i was at. i was standing out on the driveway, and i heard everyone counting down from 10. it got to two seconds, and my wonderful boyfriend was in my arms. we kissed exactly on midnight. it should have been in a movie.
so it's now a new year, new beginning. i don't care what people say about new years being just another day, it's cleansing for me, and an opportunity to be everything i want to be. this year, i plan to quit smoking marijuana, go to the gym at least three times a week and eat healthily (thus, losing weight). i also plan to completely re-do and re-furnish my room, save for my camera and start saving to move out of home.
i need to start looking for a new school to attend this year, i want to find a larger qld school so i have the opportunity to meet new friends and enjoy the company of new people. new start.
horrible photo of me with ellen in the backyard before we left.
group shot.
my boyfriend juleyin, myself, elle and luke.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
free resorts and brisbane mates.
so last night juleyin and i went around to kirra, to a place called Wyndham Vacation Resort.
juleyin's cousin zane and two of his mates mikey and georgia were staying at this resort because mikey's dad gets it for free once a year or something. it was pretty nice, we were up on the ninth floor with a beautiful view of the beach, and there was a lovely sauna/spa/pool area.
when we got there we started drinking, and i was drinking elevates. i had never tried them before, and a four-pack was around $13 which is pretty cheap, and that got me smashed. i was so happy to get really drunk again, it's been a while.
zane was complaining that he had no weed so i told him i had some, and then he said he had no spin, and i said i had some. he like killed me with a massive hug. i only had one cone, i was pretty drunk anyway.
i ended up going for a walk to buy more cigarettes, and now i'm wishing that i didn't because that was money my cousin gave me for me to go get her weed. which means i have to pay another $20 when i get paid this week for weed. i also need to buy a bottle of vodka, and juleyin's christmas present. and ayla's. crap. i'm going to need a loan off my mother.
i felt kind of used by the time we left, everyone kept sucking up to me to steal my smokes.
after i got back from buying cigarettes i was just hanging with everyone else for a bit, then i had another drink and i was just fucked. i lied down on one of the beds and ended up throwing up, but someone had put a towel there for me so it only went on the towel. i was so glad i threw up, i ate way too much yesterday.
a few hours later i woke up, with no idea what had happened. it was around 3:30 am. juleyin was asleep in the lounge room on the floor, zane was on the couch and georgia was in the bed next to me. i got changed into my spare clothes, took my extensions out and tidied everything up and then tried to go back to sleep. didn't happen.
i then got dressed again and re-did my makeup and went out. i went for a massive walk around the whole of kirra/coolangatta, and watched the sun rise. when i first left i went to get a pie and it was really good, and about ten minutes later i wanted to puke.
when i got back to the apartment (i was so shocked i got the right floor and room number i nearly forgot), it was about 6am. juleyin was in my bed and didn't even seem to care that i had been gone. i got into bed with him and he kept asking me if i went to the toilet, lol. i wish he cared more if i was out on my own for three hours, like shit i freak out if he's gone 20 minutes.
i went back to sleep and got up a few hours later, with a huge hangover. that's usually a sign it was a good night. we went down and bought bacon and eggs for everyone but we were the only ones that had any. i had one egg, a tiny bit of bacon and some yoghurt with muesli. eating makes me feel so sick immediately after now, i don't know what it is - whether it's psychological or if something is actually wrong with me. hm.
before we left. i also got a blood test done yesterday so that's why there is a bandage on my arm.
georgia, she was really nice.
zane and me looking really fucking creepy
me "rocking mikey's hat"
juleyin and zane
this photo was actually an accident but i really like it for some bizarre reason. while i was out on my walk.
juleyin's cousin zane and two of his mates mikey and georgia were staying at this resort because mikey's dad gets it for free once a year or something. it was pretty nice, we were up on the ninth floor with a beautiful view of the beach, and there was a lovely sauna/spa/pool area.
when we got there we started drinking, and i was drinking elevates. i had never tried them before, and a four-pack was around $13 which is pretty cheap, and that got me smashed. i was so happy to get really drunk again, it's been a while.
zane was complaining that he had no weed so i told him i had some, and then he said he had no spin, and i said i had some. he like killed me with a massive hug. i only had one cone, i was pretty drunk anyway.
i ended up going for a walk to buy more cigarettes, and now i'm wishing that i didn't because that was money my cousin gave me for me to go get her weed. which means i have to pay another $20 when i get paid this week for weed. i also need to buy a bottle of vodka, and juleyin's christmas present. and ayla's. crap. i'm going to need a loan off my mother.
i felt kind of used by the time we left, everyone kept sucking up to me to steal my smokes.
after i got back from buying cigarettes i was just hanging with everyone else for a bit, then i had another drink and i was just fucked. i lied down on one of the beds and ended up throwing up, but someone had put a towel there for me so it only went on the towel. i was so glad i threw up, i ate way too much yesterday.
a few hours later i woke up, with no idea what had happened. it was around 3:30 am. juleyin was asleep in the lounge room on the floor, zane was on the couch and georgia was in the bed next to me. i got changed into my spare clothes, took my extensions out and tidied everything up and then tried to go back to sleep. didn't happen.
i then got dressed again and re-did my makeup and went out. i went for a massive walk around the whole of kirra/coolangatta, and watched the sun rise. when i first left i went to get a pie and it was really good, and about ten minutes later i wanted to puke.
when i got back to the apartment (i was so shocked i got the right floor and room number i nearly forgot), it was about 6am. juleyin was in my bed and didn't even seem to care that i had been gone. i got into bed with him and he kept asking me if i went to the toilet, lol. i wish he cared more if i was out on my own for three hours, like shit i freak out if he's gone 20 minutes.
i went back to sleep and got up a few hours later, with a huge hangover. that's usually a sign it was a good night. we went down and bought bacon and eggs for everyone but we were the only ones that had any. i had one egg, a tiny bit of bacon and some yoghurt with muesli. eating makes me feel so sick immediately after now, i don't know what it is - whether it's psychological or if something is actually wrong with me. hm.
before we left. i also got a blood test done yesterday so that's why there is a bandage on my arm.
georgia, she was really nice.
zane and me looking really fucking creepy
me "rocking mikey's hat"
juleyin and zane
this photo was actually an accident but i really like it for some bizarre reason. while i was out on my walk.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
depression/weight loss issues
i am just miserable, all the time.
and it's not even like i'm doing anything about it. one day i'll feel wonderful because i won't eat much or i'll eat healthily and the next day i'll get high and eat my body weight in fucking chocolate.
my depression also seems to be back and i've lost all motivation and i've lost everything that made me happy.
work has also been terrible lately and i've been having the worst few days of my life. the other night juleyin and i went out for dinner to try to cheer me up, i still felt horrible. i was quiet and upset the whole night, then when we got home (to juleyin's) he had a massive go at me for "treating him like shit", when i was just quiet because i was so sad.
he ended up getting high and i got drunk, still didn't help.
the past day or so have been a little better, but still quite awful.
yesterday juleyin took me on a surprise picnic because we had to cancel our shopping plans, and i hadn't eaten all day and i was feeling so wonderful and skinny. it was about 2:30pm and i ate a lot of brie and stuffed peppers on crackers. it wasn't even that bad because it was all 50% reduced fat but fuck, immediately afterwards i thought to myself "how great would i feel right now if instead i just drank a whole bottle of water".
i am also hypo-glycemic which is the reason why i get the shakes if i haven't eaten or if i have too much coffee and don't eat. so i was thinking i could buy some barley-sugar lollies to suck on. i'm not concerned about the sugar in them, in fact that's why i need them. to keep my blood sugar level up without having to eat. i'm excited to try this theory out, i'll buy some tomorrow and not eat all day and see if i get the shakes. tomorrow i am going to brisbane so that will be good. i will get a bubble tea for lunch because they fill me up anyway.
i am writing this post from home, i have been working all day and got home an hour or so. today was the longest shift i've ever worked, i just realised. i'm glad i working all day thursday instead of thursday night.
today i have eaten: a steak burger my mother gave me for lunch. i'm sort of happy with that, i wish i had eaten some nuts or an apple or something but my mother made it for me and i couldn't just like, throw it out. i think dinner is soon, i will just aim to eat as slow as possible. i.e. not much.
after work today i got changed because i wanted to do some shopping, and then realised i hadn't been paid. i got all dressed up for nothing.
taken when i got home, i was wearing an oversized, long-sleeve black shirt and stockings, as well as my platform sneakers. the whole five minutes i was out wearing this i could just feel everyone's eyes burning holes in my thighs. i was just thinking how good this would look on a skinny person.
as you've probably realised, i have a new thing for black and white photos.
i just think i look nice in this one.
and it's not even like i'm doing anything about it. one day i'll feel wonderful because i won't eat much or i'll eat healthily and the next day i'll get high and eat my body weight in fucking chocolate.
my depression also seems to be back and i've lost all motivation and i've lost everything that made me happy.
work has also been terrible lately and i've been having the worst few days of my life. the other night juleyin and i went out for dinner to try to cheer me up, i still felt horrible. i was quiet and upset the whole night, then when we got home (to juleyin's) he had a massive go at me for "treating him like shit", when i was just quiet because i was so sad.
he ended up getting high and i got drunk, still didn't help.
the past day or so have been a little better, but still quite awful.
yesterday juleyin took me on a surprise picnic because we had to cancel our shopping plans, and i hadn't eaten all day and i was feeling so wonderful and skinny. it was about 2:30pm and i ate a lot of brie and stuffed peppers on crackers. it wasn't even that bad because it was all 50% reduced fat but fuck, immediately afterwards i thought to myself "how great would i feel right now if instead i just drank a whole bottle of water".
i am also hypo-glycemic which is the reason why i get the shakes if i haven't eaten or if i have too much coffee and don't eat. so i was thinking i could buy some barley-sugar lollies to suck on. i'm not concerned about the sugar in them, in fact that's why i need them. to keep my blood sugar level up without having to eat. i'm excited to try this theory out, i'll buy some tomorrow and not eat all day and see if i get the shakes. tomorrow i am going to brisbane so that will be good. i will get a bubble tea for lunch because they fill me up anyway.
i am writing this post from home, i have been working all day and got home an hour or so. today was the longest shift i've ever worked, i just realised. i'm glad i working all day thursday instead of thursday night.
today i have eaten: a steak burger my mother gave me for lunch. i'm sort of happy with that, i wish i had eaten some nuts or an apple or something but my mother made it for me and i couldn't just like, throw it out. i think dinner is soon, i will just aim to eat as slow as possible. i.e. not much.
after work today i got changed because i wanted to do some shopping, and then realised i hadn't been paid. i got all dressed up for nothing.
taken when i got home, i was wearing an oversized, long-sleeve black shirt and stockings, as well as my platform sneakers. the whole five minutes i was out wearing this i could just feel everyone's eyes burning holes in my thighs. i was just thinking how good this would look on a skinny person.
as you've probably realised, i have a new thing for black and white photos.
i just think i look nice in this one.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
i am losing patience
i am losing focus, i am losing reason to be here.
i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to feel this way.
i'm barely even alive anymore.
work is fucking horrible, every time i find someone who i feel appreciates my company i get spat on the face, and the last thing i ever want to do is be sober. someone take me away, someone give me something new, something exciting, something to make me feel like my time here is worthwhile.
i feel like if i get away, even for a few days, that things will somehow be better when i return. but that happens every time, and everything stays the same.
i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to feel this way.
i'm barely even alive anymore.
work is fucking horrible, every time i find someone who i feel appreciates my company i get spat on the face, and the last thing i ever want to do is be sober. someone take me away, someone give me something new, something exciting, something to make me feel like my time here is worthwhile.
i feel like if i get away, even for a few days, that things will somehow be better when i return. but that happens every time, and everything stays the same.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
friday the 21st of october and saturday the 22nd.
yesterday was so good man. like, on so many levels.
on thursday night i had work, so afterwards juleyin picked me up and stayed at mine that night. on friday morning we got up and i cleaned the bathroom (like scrubbed it) and juleyin helped me tidy the rest of the house, sort of.
by the time we left it was like 12:30-1pm.
juleyin had to get a refund on his computer so we went there and while juleyin was arguing with the sales assistant i took a nice rest on a comfy chair.
then after harvey norman i went to a fabric shop :-)
i told juleyin if i have to deal with his boring shit he has to deal with mine. side note: there is a new "lincraft" opening at tweed mall soon, i am so excited i love anything to do with art and craft and i particularly love scrap-booking. i really need to get back into it.
while i was at the fabric store i picked up 62cm of studs on mesh, (i will write a separate post a bit later once the garment i'm making is finished), some lace trim for the neckline of this beautiful velvet dress i have, and i also got a lovely cross necklace. we were in there for at least 40 minutes and i have never felt more at home. i just can't wait for my final assessment to be over (it will be over by the end of this friday), and then i can focus a bit more on my sewing, my art and my blogging.
then we headed back to juleyin's and slept for about an hour and a half while we were waiting for elle to come into town. she called me a little later and told me she was there so we went and picked her up and went to kirra hill to start the bbq.
elle and i waiting for the others lol
me looking emo with a smoke and the pretty view behind me
~lots of pointless events happened~
oh and elle and i wrote a rap, it's mad. we are going to sing it when we audition for australia's got talent.
the bbq was good, no one was even drinking we were just eating yummy food, cracking jokes and lighting shit on fire. my kind of chilled hang between friends.
after the bbq we went back to jazmine and joel's house. ellen got food poisoning so we took her home, and that meant that i wasn't staying at her house.
jazmine went to bed inside pretty early, i think she was mad that we were all making noise because she had work the next day. i felt bad but she was inside and that was probably the best thing for her to sleep i guess.
as the night wore on it got to fewer and fewer of us and in the end it was me, joel, juleyin and zane. we did all kinds of random fucked up shit, mostly watching youtube videos and making jokes and taking shots.
lol joel putting eyeliner on and myself teasing my hair
the end result...
we also got tonnes of funny photos on joel's nikon, i hope he will upload them or give them to me sometime soon.
we have never really hung out before that night, he is quite a cool, chilled guy. and he kept calling me "effy" because apparently i'm awesome and up for anything. i feel so good about myself when people tell me i'm fun.
we also went on a massive adventure and did random shit like put those orange cones on the top of street signs...
i also lost my phone in a massive drain tunnel and it took us about an hour of retracing our steps to find it again. i was fucking freaking out man.
then when we got home joel and i smoked some hash and everyone else was just chilling. we were looking at the lazers and smoke machine for ages and i felt like i was one with the earth or some bullshit, i have not smoked weed in a very long time and i'm glad it wasn't a bad experience.
we all woke up between 8am and 9am, when we went to bed at around 5am. we jumped in the pool to get over our hangovers and it was the best decision of my entire life.
here is just a random photo of like my arm. idek i really like this photo for some reason.
on thursday night i had work, so afterwards juleyin picked me up and stayed at mine that night. on friday morning we got up and i cleaned the bathroom (like scrubbed it) and juleyin helped me tidy the rest of the house, sort of.
by the time we left it was like 12:30-1pm.
juleyin had to get a refund on his computer so we went there and while juleyin was arguing with the sales assistant i took a nice rest on a comfy chair.
then after harvey norman i went to a fabric shop :-)
i told juleyin if i have to deal with his boring shit he has to deal with mine. side note: there is a new "lincraft" opening at tweed mall soon, i am so excited i love anything to do with art and craft and i particularly love scrap-booking. i really need to get back into it.
while i was at the fabric store i picked up 62cm of studs on mesh, (i will write a separate post a bit later once the garment i'm making is finished), some lace trim for the neckline of this beautiful velvet dress i have, and i also got a lovely cross necklace. we were in there for at least 40 minutes and i have never felt more at home. i just can't wait for my final assessment to be over (it will be over by the end of this friday), and then i can focus a bit more on my sewing, my art and my blogging.
then we headed back to juleyin's and slept for about an hour and a half while we were waiting for elle to come into town. she called me a little later and told me she was there so we went and picked her up and went to kirra hill to start the bbq.
elle and i waiting for the others lol
me looking emo with a smoke and the pretty view behind me
~lots of pointless events happened~
oh and elle and i wrote a rap, it's mad. we are going to sing it when we audition for australia's got talent.
the bbq was good, no one was even drinking we were just eating yummy food, cracking jokes and lighting shit on fire. my kind of chilled hang between friends.
after the bbq we went back to jazmine and joel's house. ellen got food poisoning so we took her home, and that meant that i wasn't staying at her house.
jazmine went to bed inside pretty early, i think she was mad that we were all making noise because she had work the next day. i felt bad but she was inside and that was probably the best thing for her to sleep i guess.
as the night wore on it got to fewer and fewer of us and in the end it was me, joel, juleyin and zane. we did all kinds of random fucked up shit, mostly watching youtube videos and making jokes and taking shots.
lol joel putting eyeliner on and myself teasing my hair
the end result...
we also got tonnes of funny photos on joel's nikon, i hope he will upload them or give them to me sometime soon.
we have never really hung out before that night, he is quite a cool, chilled guy. and he kept calling me "effy" because apparently i'm awesome and up for anything. i feel so good about myself when people tell me i'm fun.
we also went on a massive adventure and did random shit like put those orange cones on the top of street signs...
i also lost my phone in a massive drain tunnel and it took us about an hour of retracing our steps to find it again. i was fucking freaking out man.
then when we got home joel and i smoked some hash and everyone else was just chilling. we were looking at the lazers and smoke machine for ages and i felt like i was one with the earth or some bullshit, i have not smoked weed in a very long time and i'm glad it wasn't a bad experience.
we all woke up between 8am and 9am, when we went to bed at around 5am. we jumped in the pool to get over our hangovers and it was the best decision of my entire life.
here is just a random photo of like my arm. idek i really like this photo for some reason.
Monday, 5 September 2011
last friday night.
eheh, i'm funny.
brodie and i wanted to do something, so we were thinking about our friends that we usually hang with on a weekend and who we usually drink with. blake was in sydney seeing his girlfriend and aaron was at dinner with his father for father's day and his birthday. then brodie and i were like "uhhhhhhhhh, what other friends do we have?" it was pretty depressing to think.
brodie asked me to come into town anyway and that we would find something to do and people to hang with, so i got adam to take me to tweed mall. i would rather be bored with brodie and out somewhere than bored at home by myself. actually that's debatable, but i really wanted to go out. below is a few photos of what i wore.
a white lacy dress with my white stockings, leather jacket and vans of course. i never wear any other shoes.
my stockings and vans.
we walked around for a little bit and talked to liv while she was working. then juleyin came around to say hello, and so did luke. we chilled for a little bit and then liv finished work and juleyin went home because he had work in about half an hour. so it was just brodie, luke and me.
we were going to go to a hardcore gig but thought it would be boring and shitty so decided to get drunk before we went. brodie and i went halves in a case of beer, which means i spent $20 on beer for one night. i understand that isn't that much money but i feel bad for always spending money on alcohol. like seriously alcohol, cigarettes, occasional clothes and food - that is what i spend all of my money on. it sucks because it's not things that i can keep with me, they're disposable, they are ultimately useless in the long run but i spend all my money on them.
~lol rant about my lifestyle that i could change at any moment if i truly wanted to~
we carried the case back to juleyin's and had a few drinks there while he was at work. then juleyin's mum was going to be back soon and she doesn't like brodie so we left. we walked down to the gig, drinking on the way (oh my god i felt so scummy). we thought it was free entry because that's one of the band members told us, but when we got there we realised it was $10 entry and the band that was playing at the time sounded like absolute fucking shit, i basically wanted to kill myself. it turns out it wasn't even a hardcore gig either, so there was no way i was paying for that bullshit.
we decided to walk around until we thought of somewhere to go or something to do. this was a first for me and the people i usually hang out with, we always find something to do. we walked around back streets, drank more, smashed bottles, ran from security guards, all this random shit that got me feeling all weirded out because that's the kind of thing i used to do a long long time ago. we also decided to move a couch into the middle of the road.... seemed like a good idea at the time. loved the ranting old people when they tried to drive down that road. v a photo of me and said couch.
ahhhhhhhh, why am i so cool guys?
anyway, we decided to walk back to brodie's so we went back to juleyin's to pick up the case. as i was leaving juleyin's i got a phone call from the beautiful aaron. he was like "oi cunt, come get drunk at monique's" i was like "well i'm already drunk and with brodie and luke, if you've got room we are so fucking keen". he told us to walk to brodie's anyway and he'd meet us there. we finally got there, (and in my drunken state i thought i was fit and could run - big mistake) so i was so tired by the time i walked in the door i face planted on the floor. i looked up to see brodie's room mates and assorted other people doing drugs in his lounge room. then they wanted to smoke crack so they needed to make a pipe or something - next thing i know they were trying to cut a lightbulb in half with a knife? i was like "u niggas be trippin" and off we went.
we got to monique's, which was a beaaaaaaautiful big house in terranora. it was so pretty, i can't even.
long story short i drank more than i should of, and made the usual fool of myself with the vomiting and passing out and other assorted things like trying to give juleyin head at the dinner table, punching brodie and slapping juleyin etc....
i hate when i get like that, i never do when i'm drinking bourbon though, that's why i like to stick to it.
the next day we all helped clean up, then we drove back to my house and juleyin, brodie and luke hung out at luke's while i had a shower, tried to get over my hangover and get ready.
then we all went out shopping. (me, juleyin, aaron, amy and brodie).
i bought two baggy t-shirts that i think are lovely, two pairs of leggings (because i really needed some) and i found the most beautiful pair of doc martens ever!
i want them so bad, more than anything in life, omg, they're $250 i will save up and get them or ask for them for christmas! also i tried on a pair of normal black docs and they look pretty damn amazing on me, they're $230 i might save for them too.
/cease pointless blog post/
brodie and i wanted to do something, so we were thinking about our friends that we usually hang with on a weekend and who we usually drink with. blake was in sydney seeing his girlfriend and aaron was at dinner with his father for father's day and his birthday. then brodie and i were like "uhhhhhhhhh, what other friends do we have?" it was pretty depressing to think.
brodie asked me to come into town anyway and that we would find something to do and people to hang with, so i got adam to take me to tweed mall. i would rather be bored with brodie and out somewhere than bored at home by myself. actually that's debatable, but i really wanted to go out. below is a few photos of what i wore.
a white lacy dress with my white stockings, leather jacket and vans of course. i never wear any other shoes.
my stockings and vans.
we walked around for a little bit and talked to liv while she was working. then juleyin came around to say hello, and so did luke. we chilled for a little bit and then liv finished work and juleyin went home because he had work in about half an hour. so it was just brodie, luke and me.
we were going to go to a hardcore gig but thought it would be boring and shitty so decided to get drunk before we went. brodie and i went halves in a case of beer, which means i spent $20 on beer for one night. i understand that isn't that much money but i feel bad for always spending money on alcohol. like seriously alcohol, cigarettes, occasional clothes and food - that is what i spend all of my money on. it sucks because it's not things that i can keep with me, they're disposable, they are ultimately useless in the long run but i spend all my money on them.
~lol rant about my lifestyle that i could change at any moment if i truly wanted to~
we carried the case back to juleyin's and had a few drinks there while he was at work. then juleyin's mum was going to be back soon and she doesn't like brodie so we left. we walked down to the gig, drinking on the way (oh my god i felt so scummy). we thought it was free entry because that's one of the band members told us, but when we got there we realised it was $10 entry and the band that was playing at the time sounded like absolute fucking shit, i basically wanted to kill myself. it turns out it wasn't even a hardcore gig either, so there was no way i was paying for that bullshit.
we decided to walk around until we thought of somewhere to go or something to do. this was a first for me and the people i usually hang out with, we always find something to do. we walked around back streets, drank more, smashed bottles, ran from security guards, all this random shit that got me feeling all weirded out because that's the kind of thing i used to do a long long time ago. we also decided to move a couch into the middle of the road.... seemed like a good idea at the time. loved the ranting old people when they tried to drive down that road. v a photo of me and said couch.
ahhhhhhhh, why am i so cool guys?
anyway, we decided to walk back to brodie's so we went back to juleyin's to pick up the case. as i was leaving juleyin's i got a phone call from the beautiful aaron. he was like "oi cunt, come get drunk at monique's" i was like "well i'm already drunk and with brodie and luke, if you've got room we are so fucking keen". he told us to walk to brodie's anyway and he'd meet us there. we finally got there, (and in my drunken state i thought i was fit and could run - big mistake) so i was so tired by the time i walked in the door i face planted on the floor. i looked up to see brodie's room mates and assorted other people doing drugs in his lounge room. then they wanted to smoke crack so they needed to make a pipe or something - next thing i know they were trying to cut a lightbulb in half with a knife? i was like "u niggas be trippin" and off we went.
we got to monique's, which was a beaaaaaaautiful big house in terranora. it was so pretty, i can't even.
long story short i drank more than i should of, and made the usual fool of myself with the vomiting and passing out and other assorted things like trying to give juleyin head at the dinner table, punching brodie and slapping juleyin etc....
i hate when i get like that, i never do when i'm drinking bourbon though, that's why i like to stick to it.
the next day we all helped clean up, then we drove back to my house and juleyin, brodie and luke hung out at luke's while i had a shower, tried to get over my hangover and get ready.
then we all went out shopping. (me, juleyin, aaron, amy and brodie).
i bought two baggy t-shirts that i think are lovely, two pairs of leggings (because i really needed some) and i found the most beautiful pair of doc martens ever!
i want them so bad, more than anything in life, omg, they're $250 i will save up and get them or ask for them for christmas! also i tried on a pair of normal black docs and they look pretty damn amazing on me, they're $230 i might save for them too.
/cease pointless blog post/
Saturday, 27 August 2011
nothing and everything
i realise i haven't been blogging very often as of late - mostly because i thought i had nothing to blog about.
but then there's so much that goes on in just my every day life that i don't write down, because i think it isn't relevant.
just then i realised - i don't even give a fuck.
this blog is for me and me alone, i just like when others read it. it's just my way of documenting things, letting things out and sharing with the world my interests and thoughts.
today is saturday. this morning i bleached my hair, cleaned my room really well and then met up with stormey at tweed city because she finished work at 2:30.
i actually love storme to death. all of my good friends are males and she is the only female i can actually stand, and the only one i truly enjoy hanging out with. maybe not the only one, but she is friends with my friends and enjoys doing the things i do, and she is just really cool. we both have never been to sport on thursday afternoons for school, and most of the time we just get a bus or a lift into coolangatta and storme gets new piercings. i want more piercings, so bad. but mum wouldn't let me, i haven't asked but things with us are so shit lately, she treats me like an imbecile and is hesitant of letting me go out for some reason. so i don't want to start shit when i don't have to.
i am enjoying this weekend because i have been sober and at home for the majority of it, but at the same time i hate it.
i need more motivation to do things. at least i bleached my hair today, and i only cleaned my room because mum said i had to before i went out. this week i want to go to the gym, take photos, wax my eyebrows, give myself a manicure/pedicure and stretch my right ear. i could have done all of that last night and today but i have no motivation, when i am at home i never do anything. i also think i am an alcoholic, i swear to god. i am craving a drink so badly.
i wish i could drink at home, and smoke, but i'm also glad i can't - otherwise i would probably be drunk every day.
which brings me to another topic - drugs.
i have only ever done weed and speed, and i used to be stoned alllll the time. there are huge gaps in my memory from last year because of it. i remember one holidays i was stoned every single day and after two weeks my boyfriend and i could not remember a thing.
anyway, my point is that i hate smoking weed now.
i got high at school the other week, i don't even know why i was having a cigarette and someone passed me a joint. the whole time i was just wishing i was sober, i spent most of the next period outside the classroom sleeping. i felt horrible and tired and ugh, how did i used to function while high?
i only like the thought of smoking weed, not the act itself. or if i'm about to go to sleep that's wonderful to just chill out - but i can't stand being stoned in public.
i'm not sure what the point of this post was, i just wanted an update on my life, my everything.
but then there's so much that goes on in just my every day life that i don't write down, because i think it isn't relevant.
just then i realised - i don't even give a fuck.
this blog is for me and me alone, i just like when others read it. it's just my way of documenting things, letting things out and sharing with the world my interests and thoughts.
today is saturday. this morning i bleached my hair, cleaned my room really well and then met up with stormey at tweed city because she finished work at 2:30.
i actually love storme to death. all of my good friends are males and she is the only female i can actually stand, and the only one i truly enjoy hanging out with. maybe not the only one, but she is friends with my friends and enjoys doing the things i do, and she is just really cool. we both have never been to sport on thursday afternoons for school, and most of the time we just get a bus or a lift into coolangatta and storme gets new piercings. i want more piercings, so bad. but mum wouldn't let me, i haven't asked but things with us are so shit lately, she treats me like an imbecile and is hesitant of letting me go out for some reason. so i don't want to start shit when i don't have to.
i am enjoying this weekend because i have been sober and at home for the majority of it, but at the same time i hate it.
i need more motivation to do things. at least i bleached my hair today, and i only cleaned my room because mum said i had to before i went out. this week i want to go to the gym, take photos, wax my eyebrows, give myself a manicure/pedicure and stretch my right ear. i could have done all of that last night and today but i have no motivation, when i am at home i never do anything. i also think i am an alcoholic, i swear to god. i am craving a drink so badly.
i wish i could drink at home, and smoke, but i'm also glad i can't - otherwise i would probably be drunk every day.
which brings me to another topic - drugs.
i have only ever done weed and speed, and i used to be stoned alllll the time. there are huge gaps in my memory from last year because of it. i remember one holidays i was stoned every single day and after two weeks my boyfriend and i could not remember a thing.
anyway, my point is that i hate smoking weed now.
i got high at school the other week, i don't even know why i was having a cigarette and someone passed me a joint. the whole time i was just wishing i was sober, i spent most of the next period outside the classroom sleeping. i felt horrible and tired and ugh, how did i used to function while high?
i only like the thought of smoking weed, not the act itself. or if i'm about to go to sleep that's wonderful to just chill out - but i can't stand being stoned in public.
i'm not sure what the point of this post was, i just wanted an update on my life, my everything.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
expressing myself, public humiliation and self confidence
as far as the "self confidence" part of the title goes, mine is non existent after today.
in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.
i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:
"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.
unsuccessful to date, but still trying."
i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.
i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.
i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.
in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.
i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:
"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.
unsuccessful to date, but still trying."
i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.
i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.
i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.
Saturday, 6 August 2011
everyone hates me but i will not change
i just don't fucking want to, and fuck you for thinking you could make me.
sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.
ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.
so why make me feel like shit?
sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.
ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.
so why make me feel like shit?
Saturday, 30 July 2011
priorities and finances for the next week.
oh my god, once my boyfriends birthday is over, (it's on the 4th of August) i can begin to save again.
this week i did not earn much because i only worked one shift, so i couldn't really save anything.
i put away $15 for my phone bill but ended up spending $10 of that, so next week i'll have to put away $25 for it.
i also paid for my gym contribution, and spent $15 on art stuff for my drawings, so that's understandable for where all my money went this week.
i had about $20 left in my account after i paid all my bills and bought my art stuff but i had to put $5 on my go card because i went to brisbane on friday night. then i bought some food and other crap, so now i only have $7 left in my account.
luckily though i have nothing that i will be doing throughout the week, so it's not really a hassle that i have no money.
then when i get paid on thursday night, i have to pay some bills.
$25 goes to my phone bill, then that's $75 left.
$6 for gym, that's $69 left.
i saw a beautiful dress today reduced from around $160 to $30 because it had a tiny lipstick stain on it, if it is still there by friday i will buy it.
then i would have $39 left.
i will probably end up buying beer or weed for the weekend and after that i will put whatever i have left into savings.
i hope i don't spend too much excess money.
it's juleyin's birthday bbq on saturday as well, and you can drink if you want to but i'm not sure if i want to.
i might ask juleyin if he wants to just go halves with a 6 pack of beer, so we'll have a few drinks but i can't be drunk at a bbq with a lot of his family there. that would be humiliating.
i hope i can put away like $25-$30 into my savings.
the week after that i am going to save $50 minimum.
this week i did not earn much because i only worked one shift, so i couldn't really save anything.
i put away $15 for my phone bill but ended up spending $10 of that, so next week i'll have to put away $25 for it.
i also paid for my gym contribution, and spent $15 on art stuff for my drawings, so that's understandable for where all my money went this week.
i had about $20 left in my account after i paid all my bills and bought my art stuff but i had to put $5 on my go card because i went to brisbane on friday night. then i bought some food and other crap, so now i only have $7 left in my account.
luckily though i have nothing that i will be doing throughout the week, so it's not really a hassle that i have no money.
then when i get paid on thursday night, i have to pay some bills.
$25 goes to my phone bill, then that's $75 left.
$6 for gym, that's $69 left.
i saw a beautiful dress today reduced from around $160 to $30 because it had a tiny lipstick stain on it, if it is still there by friday i will buy it.
then i would have $39 left.
i will probably end up buying beer or weed for the weekend and after that i will put whatever i have left into savings.
i hope i don't spend too much excess money.
it's juleyin's birthday bbq on saturday as well, and you can drink if you want to but i'm not sure if i want to.
i might ask juleyin if he wants to just go halves with a 6 pack of beer, so we'll have a few drinks but i can't be drunk at a bbq with a lot of his family there. that would be humiliating.
i hope i can put away like $25-$30 into my savings.
the week after that i am going to save $50 minimum.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
crazy thought
i was showering tonight and a really weird scenario popped into my head.
i was thinking if i moved away, somewhere where i would never see anyone i knew again.
i was thinking that right before i left, i would fuck everyone i have ever wanted to, i would take so many drugs and i would be a complete and utter slut and ruin relationships just because i could.
then i would leave and start over and no one would know any different.
i have no idea where that came from. it's the best thing, to just fantasize about things you'd like to do but will probably never happen and in reality they wouldn't really work out.
i like to play things out in my head, then just imagine them.
the world inside my head is much better than this one, but i'm afraid sometimes i have difficulty distinguishing the two.
i was thinking if i moved away, somewhere where i would never see anyone i knew again.
i was thinking that right before i left, i would fuck everyone i have ever wanted to, i would take so many drugs and i would be a complete and utter slut and ruin relationships just because i could.
then i would leave and start over and no one would know any different.
i have no idea where that came from. it's the best thing, to just fantasize about things you'd like to do but will probably never happen and in reality they wouldn't really work out.
i like to play things out in my head, then just imagine them.
the world inside my head is much better than this one, but i'm afraid sometimes i have difficulty distinguishing the two.
Monday, 25 July 2011
dream diary
omg so good.
ok for shits and giggles, ie no reason at all, i decided to hop on a plane to america.
the plane landed and i was in the airport in LA. next to the airport was a train station, and i was about to get on a train and go to another city but then i saw my friend blake.
he was with some friends, as he had been in america for a few weeks longer than me and they were all pretty cool. they were all male.
i told him i was thinking about going to another city and he was all "hell no, LA is where the party scene is at" but without that black tone of voice. i told him that i would stay in LA with him and that we should go out that night.
then i asked where they were staying. then they said "what, you don't sleep here, you don't live here, you just stay up all night and keep walking around with your duffel bag."
fuck i wish i could just do that.
then we met up with some other guys who had two trashy looking girls with them. i didn't like the look of them but i was happy to have some female company (that's odd, i hate women). the men then somehow stripped me so all i was wearing was a t-shirt, and started throwing me around, catching me and then throwing me to the next person. it sounds violent and despicable but it wasn't, it was all in good fun, i was just worried about my bum bum showing. then one of the guys was just carrying me, it was kinda cute. then he stroked my head and said "hey, you have real hair!" it wasn't till then that i realised i was blonde in this dream, with permanent hair extensions. they looked really good and even though you could tell my hair was dead my hair looked awesome. i can't wait to look like a barbie again.
so anyway, then i got changed into a mini, tight cheetah print dress and black heels. i looked so stereotypical slut and i don't care i looked hot. i also had lovely, smokey dark eye makeup on and omg. i would fuck me. i was also a lot skinnier than i am, and WHY CAN'T I LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE? we got to a club, and it was like a private room in the back of it, almost like an apartment. there were cute black leather couches and rest rooms and a beaded doorway that headed back out to the club.
we sat around drinking fancy, fruity drinks, and i can't remember too much except that at one stage i fell over one of the couches backwards and ended up upside down. woopsies, i'm being mighty slutty in this dream.
then i hopped back on a plane back to australia to work one shift. (?!?!?!?!) afterwards i came home to wash my clothes and dye my regrowth before going back to america.
mum came into the bathroom while i was dying my hair and was like "oh hi sweetie! what are you doing home? how was your friends place?" and i was like "lol wtf i was overseas."
then after doing everything i needed to do i went back to the states and stayed there party-hopping for about a week.
when i am older i am going to do this for like a month i swear.
ok for shits and giggles, ie no reason at all, i decided to hop on a plane to america.
the plane landed and i was in the airport in LA. next to the airport was a train station, and i was about to get on a train and go to another city but then i saw my friend blake.
he was with some friends, as he had been in america for a few weeks longer than me and they were all pretty cool. they were all male.
i told him i was thinking about going to another city and he was all "hell no, LA is where the party scene is at" but without that black tone of voice. i told him that i would stay in LA with him and that we should go out that night.
then i asked where they were staying. then they said "what, you don't sleep here, you don't live here, you just stay up all night and keep walking around with your duffel bag."
fuck i wish i could just do that.
then we met up with some other guys who had two trashy looking girls with them. i didn't like the look of them but i was happy to have some female company (that's odd, i hate women). the men then somehow stripped me so all i was wearing was a t-shirt, and started throwing me around, catching me and then throwing me to the next person. it sounds violent and despicable but it wasn't, it was all in good fun, i was just worried about my bum bum showing. then one of the guys was just carrying me, it was kinda cute. then he stroked my head and said "hey, you have real hair!" it wasn't till then that i realised i was blonde in this dream, with permanent hair extensions. they looked really good and even though you could tell my hair was dead my hair looked awesome. i can't wait to look like a barbie again.
so anyway, then i got changed into a mini, tight cheetah print dress and black heels. i looked so stereotypical slut and i don't care i looked hot. i also had lovely, smokey dark eye makeup on and omg. i would fuck me. i was also a lot skinnier than i am, and WHY CAN'T I LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE? we got to a club, and it was like a private room in the back of it, almost like an apartment. there were cute black leather couches and rest rooms and a beaded doorway that headed back out to the club.
we sat around drinking fancy, fruity drinks, and i can't remember too much except that at one stage i fell over one of the couches backwards and ended up upside down. woopsies, i'm being mighty slutty in this dream.
then i hopped back on a plane back to australia to work one shift. (?!?!?!?!) afterwards i came home to wash my clothes and dye my regrowth before going back to america.
mum came into the bathroom while i was dying my hair and was like "oh hi sweetie! what are you doing home? how was your friends place?" and i was like "lol wtf i was overseas."
then after doing everything i needed to do i went back to the states and stayed there party-hopping for about a week.
when i am older i am going to do this for like a month i swear.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
i am no slut
and i'm fucking sick of people thinking i am.
i'm an open person, so i can talk about sex to people.
the majority of my friends are guys because most girls i try to be friends with always end up being bitchy and disown me, or they'll be particularly boring and won't want to things i like to do.
because in my spare time the main things i do is drink or smoke up with friends (most of those friends being guys) then i'm automatically labelled a slut.
and i'm comfortable in my own skin, so i can be naked around people, like getting changed in front of people or playing strip poker at parties.
i hate that people, mainly girls, think of me as someone with no self respect. i wish i could be one of those people who say they "don't care what other people think" but i fucking well do, but by the same token i will not change myself to please other people.
it makes me so upset. i hate people, i just want to be able to be myself without being judged and labelled.
i'm an open person, so i can talk about sex to people.
the majority of my friends are guys because most girls i try to be friends with always end up being bitchy and disown me, or they'll be particularly boring and won't want to things i like to do.
because in my spare time the main things i do is drink or smoke up with friends (most of those friends being guys) then i'm automatically labelled a slut.
and i'm comfortable in my own skin, so i can be naked around people, like getting changed in front of people or playing strip poker at parties.
i hate that people, mainly girls, think of me as someone with no self respect. i wish i could be one of those people who say they "don't care what other people think" but i fucking well do, but by the same token i will not change myself to please other people.
it makes me so upset. i hate people, i just want to be able to be myself without being judged and labelled.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
payday
this friday.
mum couldn't get down to skintastic for my appointment any sooner than friday, so i'm now getting my reverse navel piercing on friday at 2:30.
that's $30 gone of my around $157-ish pay for this week.
i want to try and save as much as i can.
so then i'm left with $127.
$12 goes to mum for the gym, then i'm left with $115.
$25 for my phone bill, left with $90.
$20-ish for pouch, left with $70.
then i want to put away $50 for savings and i'm left with $20 to do what i want with.
i'll probably spend it on drinks :/
that would be a good thing, money well spent, but i just hate that i spend all my money on payday then i'm broke for the rest of the week.
mum couldn't get down to skintastic for my appointment any sooner than friday, so i'm now getting my reverse navel piercing on friday at 2:30.
that's $30 gone of my around $157-ish pay for this week.
i want to try and save as much as i can.
so then i'm left with $127.
$12 goes to mum for the gym, then i'm left with $115.
$25 for my phone bill, left with $90.
$20-ish for pouch, left with $70.
then i want to put away $50 for savings and i'm left with $20 to do what i want with.
i'll probably spend it on drinks :/
that would be a good thing, money well spent, but i just hate that i spend all my money on payday then i'm broke for the rest of the week.
Friday, 8 July 2011
plans for the next week
pretty boring plans, hope i can find some time to go drinking with some cool people. doubt it.
haven't been to a single good party all holidays.
saturday (tomorrow) - i'm working from 9am till 4:30pm and then i'll be going home, playing with my new phone and packing.
saturday night - party at april's, i'm partying with my brother tomorrow night and i think it will be cool lol, i want to see him drunk.
sunday - working from 10am till 3:30pm. then nothing that night, i really want to drink with some of my friends. i'll ask juleyin if he wants to because i think he has sunday night and monday off.
monday - appointment at the optometrist, then i have to get a head x-ray which i'm sort of freaked out about, and then i have to go book my appointment at the piercers. then i might go to the gym, i haven't been in weeks ;/
tuesday - sleep in i suppose, go into town and hang around with juleyin if he's not working, then at 5-5:30 i'm getting my reverse navel done.
wednesday - adam (my brother) is having another surgery. i have to stay home to take care of him when he comes home from surgery around lunch time.
thursday - sleep in then work at 3pm till 8pm.
friday - might go to the city if i can get someone to come with me. if not, gym.
friday night - nothing, someone make plans with me.
haven't been to a single good party all holidays.
saturday (tomorrow) - i'm working from 9am till 4:30pm and then i'll be going home, playing with my new phone and packing.
saturday night - party at april's, i'm partying with my brother tomorrow night and i think it will be cool lol, i want to see him drunk.
sunday - working from 10am till 3:30pm. then nothing that night, i really want to drink with some of my friends. i'll ask juleyin if he wants to because i think he has sunday night and monday off.
monday - appointment at the optometrist, then i have to get a head x-ray which i'm sort of freaked out about, and then i have to go book my appointment at the piercers. then i might go to the gym, i haven't been in weeks ;/
tuesday - sleep in i suppose, go into town and hang around with juleyin if he's not working, then at 5-5:30 i'm getting my reverse navel done.
wednesday - adam (my brother) is having another surgery. i have to stay home to take care of him when he comes home from surgery around lunch time.
thursday - sleep in then work at 3pm till 8pm.
friday - might go to the city if i can get someone to come with me. if not, gym.
friday night - nothing, someone make plans with me.
holyyyyyy fucking shit
just found this tumblr post i did when i was in hospital at the start of the year. this shit's crazy man.
i don't use tumblr anymore and haven't for months so this was like on one of the first pages.
"So here I am, in the hospital I was born in.
It’s really quite bizarre, I’ve never been in hospital except for the time I dislocated and broke my wrist.
So basically, I have a haggard bout of pneumonia, a chest infection and an ear infection. I was admitted yesterday afternoon, with no warning. I was at the doctors and they sent me straight here! Had to go buy pajamas from target across the street. Last night was pretty rough. I got a really bad temperature, and had to be put on the nebulizer twice because I couldn’t breathe. Juleyin surprised me and came to see me when he heard though, which was amazing. I honestly love that boy to death. He was here again tonight, came up with my mother and brother. The nurse was checking my heart rate and asked him if he could help me get it a little higher ;) Haha! We had maddddd cuddles in my hospital bed and played with all the toys because I’m in the children’s ward. OH, forgot to mention - I’m the only one in the entire ward! Apparently kids don’t get sick anymore. So I’m left to play with all the toys on my own. So fucking keen. The etch n sketch is my favourite so far. Drew Juleyin tonight c;
But medically, I’m still, well, shit. I’ve had like fucking four litres of saline in my IV which makes me need to pee 24/7, plus tonnes of antibiotics - both orally and through my IV. And I have an oxygen tube on because I can’t breathe. My right lung is shot all to hell, and it doesn’t take a doctor to know why. This whole experience has made me think about my lifestyle and the choices I make.
What have I done to myself?"
got me thinking.
i haven't made any changes. lol.
i quit smoking for a week or two after i got out of hospital cause it could like, potentially kill me if i did lol, but then i started up again.
i might quit again soon if i can.
but i'm lazy and a stressed person, i probably won't.
i don't use tumblr anymore and haven't for months so this was like on one of the first pages.
"So here I am, in the hospital I was born in.
It’s really quite bizarre, I’ve never been in hospital except for the time I dislocated and broke my wrist.
So basically, I have a haggard bout of pneumonia, a chest infection and an ear infection. I was admitted yesterday afternoon, with no warning. I was at the doctors and they sent me straight here! Had to go buy pajamas from target across the street. Last night was pretty rough. I got a really bad temperature, and had to be put on the nebulizer twice because I couldn’t breathe. Juleyin surprised me and came to see me when he heard though, which was amazing. I honestly love that boy to death. He was here again tonight, came up with my mother and brother. The nurse was checking my heart rate and asked him if he could help me get it a little higher ;) Haha! We had maddddd cuddles in my hospital bed and played with all the toys because I’m in the children’s ward. OH, forgot to mention - I’m the only one in the entire ward! Apparently kids don’t get sick anymore. So I’m left to play with all the toys on my own. So fucking keen. The etch n sketch is my favourite so far. Drew Juleyin tonight c;
But medically, I’m still, well, shit. I’ve had like fucking four litres of saline in my IV which makes me need to pee 24/7, plus tonnes of antibiotics - both orally and through my IV. And I have an oxygen tube on because I can’t breathe. My right lung is shot all to hell, and it doesn’t take a doctor to know why. This whole experience has made me think about my lifestyle and the choices I make.
What have I done to myself?"
got me thinking.
i haven't made any changes. lol.
i quit smoking for a week or two after i got out of hospital cause it could like, potentially kill me if i did lol, but then i started up again.
i might quit again soon if i can.
but i'm lazy and a stressed person, i probably won't.
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
so much nostalgia
exams all week this week, ew.
it's so crazy to think about how much i've changed and how far i've come since this time last year. i remember when i had half yearlies last year i was at one of the most shameful times of my life.
i had been kicked out of my home and was bouncing from house to house, i was drinking and smoking non-stop and it was around this time that i first started doing drugs. i remember one thursday night having a big argument with my mum and decided i was leaving. the next day i set off with my partner-in-crime, tori, with duffel bags stuffed with all our valued possessions and we left it all at juleyin's house while we hit the town that day. juleyin and i were close at this time, we weren't dating but we were getting together and constantly fighting the feelings we had for each other. that night we went to a party on the beach, and i still think it was the best party i've ever been to. or at least one of them. i got very drunk very quickly and i was then used as currency, something i am so furious about. i had no idea what was going on, i was out of it. some people i was with wanted some smokes and drinks off these guys. they said no, so they offered me to them. they gave them a few smokes and then basically gave me away to them. i'm not sure exactly what i did with any of those guys.
then a while later the cops came. i had to climb this mountain thing and got scratches all over me, and i left my only warm jacket down on the beach. that was my favourite jacket and i never got it back. anyway, juleyin and i were hiding up on this mountain and the only thing that kept me from losing my balance was a tree. i slipped, and began tumbling down this rainforest/hill thing. i got absolutely covered in scrapes and bruises but i thought it was hilarious. a little while later juleyin carried me back to his house.
i continued with this lifestyle for about a week, and then started doing weed. i also kept jumping from house to house, until i realised i had no money, i was filthy and unhappy because juleyin was back up in brisbane. i went home again.
a few weeks passed and mum and i kept fighting, i was wagging, stealing and going out and getting smashed when i was told to stay home. then mum basically kicked me out.
i was living at my step mother's house for a while, but it didn't really work. it was at this time that the half yearlies were on, and that's why i'm so amazed, comparing this year and the last.
now, my mother is my best friend and i love her to death, i never wag and i try hard at school, and we never fight about me going out because i'm allowed to go to parties now and she trusts me.
i still do drugs, i still smoke and drink, but everyone has their own way to deal with things.
also, i'm in a loving committed relationship, (it's mine and juleyin's anniversary on sunday also) and i'm not slutting it up.
can't even imagine this time next year.
oh and i had pixie cropped, bleach blonde hair. look at me now!
O_O
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