29th of august

today has been ok, but at the same time pretty shitty.
i have felt like shit all day, i have felt so fucking out of place and UGH just been sad for so long, i can't help it and i wish i could and i wish i could feel at peace at school, i wish i could feel like i belong and i also wish i didn't care so much.

i wish that i looked different, i wish that i was cool with cool hair and cool clothes and cool websites and blogs but no.
i wish i was looked up to by people, i wish i was inspirational, artistic, anything but this.

 

today was shit, shit people in shit classes and shit me with no one to talk to.
after school i went to my nan's house with my cousin ayla, it's the only real time we've spent together in so long.
we cuddled up together in bed and watched titanic, one of our favourite movies.
gypsy darling had some nice cuddles with us too.

<img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-484" title="gypsy



then mum picked me up and we got some groceries, then went home. while at the shopping village mummy bought me a cute makeup organiser, she's so thoughtful.



then i had a shower, had dinner, other assorted things which leads me to now.
feeling like complete and utter shit.
had a discussion about the puppy we're meant to be getting and mum isn't sure anymore, because soon adam will have moved out and within two years i will have too.
then mum will have to get a smaller place, most likely and apartment, and you can't have pets there.

it's sad, but i think it's just another thing making me so upset. i need a drink.

imagine if i was single

holy fuck. i'm a whore as it is and i've been in a committed relationship for 15 months.

dream diary.

i was running down the street, every single person from the town had come to see and were all chasing myself and my friend, like we were animals.
they grabbed me, pulled me back - had no control. i screamed "i feel like Jesus!", and somehow got away.

then i somehow got back to the house, and out on the porch blake was fighting that amazingly hot guy from 24.
then some dumb blonde bitch came at me. she was on my back so i jumped up and landed on my back.

 

ugh can't even remember, it was fucked.

nothing and everything

i realise i haven't been blogging very often as of late - mostly because i thought i had nothing to blog about.
but then there's so much that goes on in just my every day life that i don't write down, because i think it isn't relevant.
just then i realised - i don't even give a fuck.
this blog is for me and me alone, i just like when others read it. it's just my way of documenting things, letting things out and sharing with the world my interests and thoughts.

today is saturday. this morning i bleached my hair, cleaned my room really well and then met up with stormey at tweed city because she finished work at 2:30.
i actually love storme to death. all of my good friends are males and she is the only female i can actually stand, and the only one i truly enjoy hanging out with. maybe not the only one, but she is friends with my friends and enjoys doing the things i do, and she is just really cool. we both have never been to sport on thursday afternoons for school, and most of the time we just get a bus or a lift into coolangatta and storme gets new piercings. i want more piercings, so bad. but mum wouldn't let me, i haven't asked but things with us are so shit lately, she treats me like an imbecile and is hesitant of letting me go out for some reason. so i don't want to start shit when i don't have to.
i am enjoying this weekend because i have been sober and at home for the majority of it, but at the same time i hate it.
i need more motivation to do things. at least i bleached my hair today, and i only cleaned my room because mum said i had to before i went out. this week i want to go to the gym, take photos, wax my eyebrows, give myself a manicure/pedicure and stretch my right ear. i could have done all of that last night and today but i have no motivation, when i am at home i never do anything. i also think i am an alcoholic, i swear to god. i am craving a drink so badly.
i wish i could drink at home, and smoke, but i'm also glad i can't - otherwise i would probably be drunk every day.

which brings me to another topic - drugs.
i have only ever done weed and speed, and i used to be stoned alllll the time. there are huge gaps in my memory from last year because of it. i remember one holidays i was stoned every single day and after two weeks my boyfriend and i could not remember a thing.
anyway, my point is that i hate smoking weed now.
i got high at school the other week, i don't even know why i was having a cigarette and someone passed me a joint. the whole time i was just wishing i was sober, i spent most of the next period outside the classroom sleeping. i felt horrible and tired and ugh, how did i used to function while high?
i only like the thought of smoking weed, not the act itself. or if i'm about to go to sleep that's wonderful to just chill out - but i can't stand being stoned in public.

i'm not sure what the point of this post was, i just wanted an update on my life, my everything.

expressing myself, public humiliation and self confidence

as far as the "self confidence" part of the title goes, mine is non existent after today.

in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.

i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:

"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.

unsuccessful to date, but still trying."

 

i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.

i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.

i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.

never have money, ever

this week (payday is the 19th)
i want to save $50, then i have to give $16 to mum, so i have  $34 left.
then i need to buy a new pouch which is around $25.
so basically i have $10 for the week. which SUCKS, not only for obvious reasons but also because i wanted to buy a new taper to stretch my ear which is $20.

 

why do i not have a credit card?

hatred.

i hate that my boyfriend is different when we're around other people.
i hate that my boyfriend is so tight on money and never tries to spoil me anymore.

i hate that it took me so long to realise where i want to be and who i want to be with.
i hate almost every girl at my school.
i hate my school and school in general.
i hate that i am so young.

i hate that i don't see my friends everyday, they're amazing and i wish i lived with the four of them.
i hate everything.

i love to complain.

everyone hates me but i will not change

i just don't fucking want to, and fuck you for thinking you could make me.

 

 

sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.

ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.

so why make me feel like shit?

guys i need serious halp

do i look better with short hair -



or long hair?



i am going to keep wearing extensions for like forever i was just wondering if i could get away with short hair while my hair is /slowly/ going blonde. because i might have to not wear my extensions for a while, while i am getting my hair to fully blonde. i don't know, i'm concerned and was wondering if i could pull it off.

here's some photos of me with short, blonde hair: