i am losing focus, i am losing reason to be here.
i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to feel this way.
i'm barely even alive anymore.
work is fucking horrible, every time i find someone who i feel appreciates my company i get spat on the face, and the last thing i ever want to do is be sober. someone take me away, someone give me something new, something exciting, something to make me feel like my time here is worthwhile.
i feel like if i get away, even for a few days, that things will somehow be better when i return. but that happens every time, and everything stays the same.
Showing posts with label self harm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self harm. Show all posts
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Saturday, 6 August 2011
everyone hates me but i will not change
i just don't fucking want to, and fuck you for thinking you could make me.
sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.
ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.
so why make me feel like shit?
sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.
ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.
so why make me feel like shit?
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