free resorts and brisbane mates.

so last night juleyin and i went around to kirra, to a place called Wyndham Vacation Resort.
juleyin's cousin zane and two of his mates mikey and georgia were staying at this resort because mikey's dad gets it for free once a year or something. it was pretty nice, we were up on the ninth floor with a beautiful view of the beach, and there was a lovely sauna/spa/pool area.

when we got there we started drinking, and i was drinking elevates. i had never tried them before, and a four-pack was around $13 which is pretty cheap, and that got me smashed. i was so happy to get really drunk again, it's been a while.
zane was complaining that he had no weed so i told him i had some, and then he said he had no spin, and i said i had some. he like killed me with a massive hug. i only had one cone, i was pretty drunk anyway.

i ended up going for a walk to buy more cigarettes, and now i'm wishing that i didn't because that was money my cousin gave me for me to go get her weed. which means i have to pay another $20 when i get paid this week for weed. i also need to buy a bottle of vodka, and juleyin's christmas present. and ayla's. crap. i'm going to need a loan off my mother.

i felt kind of used by the time we left, everyone kept sucking up to me to steal my smokes.
after i got back from buying cigarettes i was just hanging with everyone else for a bit, then i had another drink and i was just fucked. i lied down on one of the beds and ended up throwing up, but someone had put a towel there for me so it only went on the towel. i was so glad i threw up, i ate way too much yesterday.

a few hours later i woke up, with no idea what had happened. it was around 3:30 am. juleyin was asleep in the lounge room on the floor, zane was on the couch and georgia was in the bed next to me. i got changed into my spare clothes, took my extensions out and tidied everything up and then tried to go back to sleep. didn't happen.
i then got dressed again and re-did my makeup and went out. i went for a massive walk around the whole of kirra/coolangatta, and watched the sun rise. when i first left i went to get a pie and it was really good, and about ten minutes later i wanted to puke.

when i got back to the apartment (i was so shocked i got the right floor and room number i nearly forgot), it was about 6am. juleyin was in my bed and didn't even seem to care that i had been gone. i got into bed with him and he kept asking me if i went to the toilet, lol. i wish he cared more if i was out on my own for three hours, like shit i freak out if he's gone 20 minutes.

i went back to sleep and got up a few hours later, with a huge hangover. that's usually a sign it was a good night. we went down and bought bacon and eggs for everyone but we were the only ones that had any. i had one egg, a tiny bit of bacon and some yoghurt with muesli. eating makes me feel so sick immediately after now, i don't know what it is - whether it's psychological or if something is actually wrong with me. hm.





before we left. i also got a blood test done yesterday so that's why there is a bandage on my arm.



georgia, she was really nice.



zane and me looking really fucking creepy



me "rocking mikey's hat"



juleyin and zane



this photo was actually an accident but i really like it for some bizarre reason. while i was out on my walk.

brisbane trips

yesterday (friday the 16th) juleyin, brodie and i went to brisbane for the day. it wasn't as good as i had hoped, like it didn't really live up to the days i used to spend in the city, but it was still lovely and much better than being in tweed for the day. i think it wasn't as fun for me because i didn't have a girlfriend with me and i started my diet and was upset.

i had a bit of money to spend, and i didn't really spend that much so that made me happy.
i bought some makeup and makeup brushes,  a shirt, a $50 gift card for a christmas present and a cute canteen water bottle from sportsgirl.



brodie and i in the city <3 i love him.

 



what i bought, excluding the shirt.

 



said shirt.

back to black :-)

very happy with it! my hair also feels really fucking healthy after i dyed it, for some unknown reason.
here's some pictures i promised.









i really am happy with how it turned out :-) i've also decided to start wearing all black again, for a while i didn't ~ don't know why i was changing myself but i feel a lot more comfortable like this and even though i don't feel like i look pretty to the strangers eye, i feel good within myself, i feel more like myself.
below is a photo of what i wore today, my boyfriend and i were meant to shopping but he got called into work so we just went for a picnic.





we just went to a little spot by the river in kingscliff, and got lost on the way home. i don't really like kingscliff that much, the only other time i've really been there i was with my ex boyfriend, and he left me in the middle of the town with no money and no idea where i was. plus i was 13 and barely ever caught busses so i didn't know what to do.

 

expressing myself, public humiliation and self confidence

as far as the "self confidence" part of the title goes, mine is non existent after today.

in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.

i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:

"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.

unsuccessful to date, but still trying."

 

i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.

i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.

i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.

guys i need serious halp

do i look better with short hair -



or long hair?



i am going to keep wearing extensions for like forever i was just wondering if i could get away with short hair while my hair is /slowly/ going blonde. because i might have to not wear my extensions for a while, while i am getting my hair to fully blonde. i don't know, i'm concerned and was wondering if i could pull it off.

here's some photos of me with short, blonde hair:

    

 

 

my room/rearrangement of my furniture

i have too much fucking shit in my room.
i have too much shit in general.

i'm the biggest horder,  which basically means i keep all of my irrelevant, useless and old shit.
i plan on trying to get rid of some of this shit by the end of the holidays.

i need to really, and i mean really go through my shit and throw out what i no longer have use for.
well i won't be throwing anything out, but giving it to the salvation army etc. another reason why i need to get rid of all my stuff is that i have no use for it, people out there do, people with little to no money.

clothes aren't so much a priority. the main things i need to get rid of are the old plastic drawers i have. they mainly hold all my old makeup and jewellery etc and i never use or wear any of it, it just takes up space and annoys me.
and juleyin needs a set of plastic drawers to hold all his files and schoolwork so i'm going to give him mine if i can sort through all of it.
i also need to clean out my wardrobe, mainly down the bottom with all my shoes and in the other side, where i have useless, irrelevant shit like fairy costumes and dance clothing that i used when i was about five years old.
and my underwear/sock drawers. don't even get me started on those.

as far as my room goes, i really need to start saving for some new/better furniture.
if i can get rid of these plastic drawers then i can try and re-arrange my furniture in my room, (my wardrobe, drawers, bookshelf and desk) and maybe have more room.

then i want to get a nice dresser, like one of those things with a mirror on top and a few drawers underneath? like a dressing table, ugh i don't know if i even make sense.
but then i can get rid of my bookshelf and my wall mirror and i'd have a bit more room so then i can afford to put a double bed in my room. i need a double bed, the fact that my boyfriend sleeps on my bedroom floor when he stays over is just ridiculous.

 

so many purchases, so little time.

i only ever hang out with guys

legitimately.

i would love to have some girl friends, spend some time doing things i want to do, but i don't get along with any girls and whenever i do it always turns into a bitch fight sooner or later and that absolutely sucks.
the thing that i hate about only having male friends, is that i can't do anything with them if juleyin isn't there.
so if he's working or something, i have nothing to do. story of my life.
also, i can never do anything with them at night because juleyin works most nights and if i went out with them it might be a little weird. i'm always the only girl.

today, for instance;
it was me, josh, brodie, juleyin, blake and aaron.
we were like, doing burn-outs in aaron's car, cranking aussie hip-hop and squishing 6 people into his car all day.
i was the only girl, and everyone is really comfortable with me which i love, so we're not afraid to like jokingly hold hands or hug or anything, so to an outsider i must really look like some sort of genre-whore.
some of the guys i hang out with look emo, some of them look gangsta, some look indie and others look either normal or really weird.

i don't know but, i just want someone to have close to me.
for a while i forgot about my desperate need for a best friend, but it's come back now.
i don't mind whether it's a guy or a girl.