new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

UPDATE!

my "beautiful and amazing" boyfriend of two years broke up with me last week.
as such, i have been trying to fly under the radar while i am on suicide watch. i also drowned my sorrows with a new tongue piercing and spending all of my savings. i don't really want to delve into the details, but i do want to say that i think my mourning is over and i am prepared to start over, start this new life. because now that i am single i actually have nothing to do with my time and no one to talk to - hence, i am looking for new, interesting and wonderful people!
i want to focus on being the person i was when i met my now-ex-boyfriend.
i have also lost all the weight i put on while i was in the relationship. daisy is back!

i can't wait to show you what you threw away.

UPDATE!

my "beautiful and amazing" boyfriend of two years broke up with me last week.
as such, i have been trying to fly under the radar while i am on suicide watch. i also drowned my sorrows with a new tongue piercing and spending all of my savings. i don't really want to delve into the details, but i do want to say that i think my mourning is over and i am prepared to start over, start this new life. because now that i am single i actually have nothing to do with my time and no one to talk to - hence, i am looking for new, interesting and wonderful people!
i want to focus on being the person i was when i met my now-ex-boyfriend.

i can't wait to show you what you threw away.