Wednesday, 24 August 2011

expressing myself, public humiliation and self confidence

as far as the "self confidence" part of the title goes, mine is non existent after today.

in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.

i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:

"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.

unsuccessful to date, but still trying."


i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.

i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.

i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.

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