Tuesday 26 June 2012

youtube videos

so lately i have been receiving a lot of questions on my tumblr regarding my sex life: things i have done, opinions regarding that and so on. i have also received a lot of questions from people saying they "want" me, and that is very flattering to me! as a result i have also gotten the vibe that some people may think it is slutty of me to be answering these questions so openly. someone also wanted to hear my voice in real life, so i decided to record a youtube video detailing my opinions on a few issues.
i actually really enjoyed making the video and found it a lot more personal than writing text posts/taking photos etc. i am currently very ill but i think when i am better i will record some more on some different topics.
any ideas? leave a comment below! it would be greatly appreciated. ♥

here is the video from last week.


engagement party

Photobucket
taken 22/6/12.

so last friday night i went to a party to celebrate the engagement of my two good friends zac and sam. they are young but they are happy and therefore i am happy for them. i had not eaten that day, so things got a little messy for me, but overall it was a good night.
there was a cute guy there too, mark, who zac told me liked me. we made out a little and i gave him my number but i have not heard from him since. oh well.


Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

even though i look as drunk and messy in these photos as i was, i love these people and i love how happy i look in these photos.

Sunday 17 June 2012

shaved head and a lonely bed

today josie and i went on a picnic, it was beautiful. i have had a wonderful weekend.
last night i was with meg and gage, and we ended up driving up to see a friend of mine. didn't do all that much but i had a fantastic time.

Photobucket

Photobucket

so my appearance has changed a little over the last few weeks. a few weeks ago i cut my hair much shorter than it was, and bleached the top parts, leaving the underlayers black. i then dyed the top layers bright orange. i have also fallen in love with fake tanning, and the last week i shaved the sides of my head. i am so happy with the result. change is always welcome for me.

Photobucket

above is a better view of each side of my hair/head.

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

Photobucket

outfit featured in this post~:
choker - ebay
lace patterned shirt - vintage (passed down to me)
skirt - mink pink
opaque stockings - cotton on
thigh-high stockings - miss shop (myer)
platform shoes - payless shoes

Monday 11 June 2012

going through changes

it has been a chaotic few weeks.
a lot of changes have been made, and a lot of steps have been put into place for further changes.

over the past few weeks i have made the foolish yet inevitable mistake of mindless ex-sex, which ultimately has made me worse off than i ever was. i don't want to delve into details, but it ended, again, because he did not want anything from me, other than my body. i told myself i was ok with that but in the end i was just in too much pain. long story short, i broke it off - and it was one of the most painful things i have ever had to do.
now that i am positive there is nothing left between us, and there never will be again, i am able to move on. though i have never been in more pain, and never felt more alone.
i wish i could cope better on my own. i know this is what i wanted and that i will be able to address my own problems a bit better while on my own, but it is just hard. i am not sure why i feel the need to be in a relationship all the time, but i wish it wasn't like that. i think i like having the distraction of being able to focus on someone else rather than myself, but this is something that i need to do.

anyway, moving on. my mental health has been worse than ever over the past few weeks, and i find myself fantasizing of suicide more than ever before. because of this i have decided to go to the adolescent psychiatric facility that i was originally going to be committed to in february. i am now just waiting for a bed. i am also back in regular therapy with my psychologist, and have seen a psychiatrist who has changed my medication. at the moment i am off medication for two weeks, to let my current medication get out of my body completely. i will then begin taking my new one - hopefully it helps with my moods. later on in the week i have to go see an eating disorder specialist as well, i am hoping that it gives me some closure with the helplessness i am feeling - but at the same time i am terrified to talk about it.

regardless, i am taking steps towards getting better, no matter how hard and painful it is.
i have never been more terrified in my life.