everyone hates me but i will not change

i just don't fucking want to, and fuck you for thinking you could make me.

 

 

sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.

ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.

so why make me feel like shit?

-

I am filled with rage. And hurt.
You festering cunt, the knife was blunt,
So you stuck it slower into my side.
You know nothing of the anguish I’ve endured by the stem of your greed.
Once a whore, always a whore. Your malice has no end.
I long for your demise to my very core,

I’ll express no lament for you, dear friend.

i think with my vagina

and it will be the death of me.
ok it's the only conclusion i can come up with. i'm always fucking shit up, i'm always so determined to make the worst decision possible. i'm too greedy and too stupid. i need to change. i want to change my whole life and i want to change my personality. i can't believe how i treat people, and i can't believe how hard it is to stop it.
i'm a pathological liar and a self-destructive whore.