alone again: 3.0

a week or so ago, i lost my boyfriend for the second time. i honestly have no idea if i will get him back this time around.
the last week has been a surge of self-loathing and realisations, and i'm determined to not let this ruin me. i have taken quite a bit of time off school since things have been so hard for me as of late (even before the break up), and tomorrow i start again. i am terrified, and doubtful, and feeling the pressure. it's not like last year, i can no longer afford to take time off to get myself together. this is it, i only have two more terms left and i'm petrified.

i am attempting to channel my pain into productive things, and to really buckle down and give this everything i have. i just have to make it to the end of the year.

my focus over the next few weeks is to be driven, focused, and leave partying for the weekends.
i hate that i've lost you, but i may have just found myself.

life update

it seems things have been less chaotic lately, yet equally challenging on my stability.
my boyfriend and i have been back together for over two months now, and while things are going fantastic at this current point in time - it hasn't been easy. we have already had a few major fights and issues, though we were able to overcome them in a fashion we would never have been able to manage in the past. because of this, i am actually grateful for the turmoil he has caused within our relationship. we are much stronger now, and i could not be more pleased about that.

i have been back at school full time for about five weeks now, since the start of this term and the start of year twelve. things are proving harder than i expected, though, could i really expect anything less? i haven't attended school (properly) at all this year. just the occasional few classes before leaving anyway, and of course then there's the months on end that i rarely left the house, let alone attend school.

i have come a long way with my disorders, and while i am pleased about that i can feel myself slipping. but i now have the skills to work through it, the honeymoon phase wasn't going to last forever.
over the next few weeks/months i am going to focus on the fact that i really don't have that much longer at school, just one more year and i will be done; not to mention the fact that some of my favourite holidays are in the very near future! get out your wishlists and prepare for the flood of drunken posts & photos.

bits and pieces

today is ANZAC day. this doesn't hold much relevance to me, i am thankful and all that but my family doesn't really do anything special to celebrate. this morning we went for brunch at my nan & pop's house, it was nice and i am happy because i didn't eat a single thing.
afterwards we came home and then went off to the shops because i needed a few things - i am off to biology camp tomorrow morning and would not have gotten another chance. i bought a new memory card for my digital camera so i can take it to camp with me, comfy underwear, new foundation and lip gloss, slippers and the cutest white beanie.
a lot of these items weren't even for camp but i just couldn't resist. it was just my mother and i when we bought these too, i love spending time with her.

i was looking forward to camp but now i am uncertain. i have been feeling plain horrible today with no reason why. i had an awful dream, which didn't start the day off well, and i have had excruciating pains in my stomach for days now. i also had to take painkillers this morning, which did not sit well with me. i hate pain medication after all it put my body through.

anyway, because of camp i won't be updating for a few days, but (if i get service out there) i will be posting on twitter, which you can follow here if you'd like :-)



beanie!



smile smile, medusa wants to hide behind septum



new foundation and lip gloss :-)

moving on

same old, same old. this is all too familiar to me, everything is simply a repeat. i try to say i'm unhappy with the routine but last time i tried to change it i also tried to end my life. i don't understand what i am meant to do, where i am meant to go or where i am even headed.

things with my boyfriend are currently quite fantastic, he makes me happy and really does treat me well but i need to make sure i don't lose myself or my independence in this relationship like i always seem to do. i think things will work out for the best.

in almost every aspect of my life, things are getting back to normal. i feel this is a good thing but it also terrifies me, it's like nothing has changed and i haven't gotten any better, i'm just starting to move on from the hurt. i saw my GP today, and we had a good, long chat, and it really made me think. he was saying i need to start treating what goes on in my head as a disease, and not a weakness. but really, everyone has some degree of shit they go through, some degree of pain and suffering. it almost seems juvenile to go on about it like it's a serious problem. i'm happy to not change anything and to continue on the way i'm going, i'm happy not caring and just drifting. but there i go again, saying the same shit and changing my mind and regressing every time something goes the slightest bit wrong in my life. i am currently on easter break away from school, but once we go back i am hoping to god i have the strength to turn things around. i need to try and focus again, get organised. i also need to try to see the bigger picture, because when i do, all of my "issues" seem quite redundant.

these holidays i have a few things i want to do. i want to get my learners licence - mainly because i know this time next year i will be kicking myself if i don't get it now,  i want to get fit and i want to cut down on smoking so much. also, i want to spend more time with my girlfriends. i honestly hope i find the will to get these things done, everything sounds great in theory but i have next to no motivation and things just get harder the longer i put them off.

if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.

zacc ♥

so on the second of march zacc and i started dating, i honestly couldn't be happier.
things are moving so fast, and i know it's so quick to be with someone new but honestly, why should i wait to be happy? as cheesy as it sounds he is honestly the reason i'm still here. after my overdose i had planned to try again as soon as i was discharged from hospital, but somehow he changed that. i may be judged for putting these thoughts and occurrences on the internet but i'm not afraid to admit what i've done, i'm not ashamed and i'm not scared of anyone's words, thoughts or opinions. only my own.

since i was discharged from hospital i have not spent a single night in my own bed. i have been staying at zacc's for about a week now, i just don't feel comfortable at home and things are so difficult - particularly with my mother. i don't think she is coping very well at all. i understand why she is so scared to let me out of her sight etc, but it makes recovering a thousand times harder and i don't need that right now.
i also have not been to school in a very long time. i tried to go last monday, and even though i only had one class - had a breakdown afterwards. i don't know what it is about school, the students, the teachers, the workload or the environment - but i just can't handle it just yet. i am going to be working on my assignments from home until i am ready to go back. i hope i am able to, but it's just hard for me. perhaps i might even end up doing my year 11 &12 at tafe.

zacc makes life easier, simple. even though we have been together for a very short time it feels like forever, i'm so comfortable with him and don't feel the need to impress him - i just have to be myself and know that he loves me for that. i'm trying not to get too attached in case things don't work out for the best, but it's a bit late for that. hopefully things don't end for a very long time, because he's just so fucking perfect and i don't know what i would do without him. he's already my whole world, been waiting for this for so long. (i've had a thing for him since i was 12 years old when we went to school together !)

don't fuck it up daisy, he's perfect and he wants you.

new school and weather conditions

i went for an interview on monday, and got accepted into the school i want to go to. the deputy was basically begging me to come to their school.
today (wednesday the 25th), was meant to be my first day but everything has flooded. this sucks. i am really excited but the only problem will be the travelling. i am now going to a qld school, and it has this awesome system where the seniors start at 7:45 monday to thursday and school ends at 3pm ~ and we get fridays off. i'm not sure how this will work for my thursday night shift, i may have to give it up, or start at about 5pm instead of 3pm. :/
though i'm not too concerned with that. i can tell them i can work all of friday, and if that's not good enough then i guess i will just have my sunday shift. i should probably look for a job at a place where i can work night times, like coles or woolworths. that would also be better pay.
because of all the rain and flooding today, i am just at home with my brother and bella. funny enough, my mother went to work and is now STUCK at work. i hope she can come home soon. :'( tonight i am meant to be going to a party in bilambil (which is on a hill), so i will still be right to go, but we will need to be careful when going there. i really wish i could get out of the house right now but i'm not that stupid.
while i have nothing to do today i am going to print off some images i like off the internet and attempt to sketch them. wish me luck !

if any turn out well i will post some photos at a later date.

organisation and the week ahead.

i bought a yearly planner a few months ago and i intend on using mine this year.
recently i have been trying to plan out my days better, but it's not going so well. i always end up staying at someone's house out of a spur-of-the-moment thing, and my plans never stick and i hate it.
i think it will be better when i start school again. speaking of which ~ i need to apply for the schools i want ASAP!! if i don't this week i am actually fucked, and my mother will send me back to banora. i cannot go back there.
there are many reasons i need to go to a new school. these include:

• i like the qld educations system a lot better and would rather finish my education in a qld school


• i need a new start, sick of people's shit and sick of being bullied


• i need to meet new people. more than anything.

when i start school again i will begin planning my days out better and writing down details of which class i have at what time, what we did so i can revise and what homework needs to be done. i will be travelling a lot to get to school so i will hopefully be able to do my homework while on busses etc.
i am excited to get organised, and all i want to do is to get good results, be a good student/better person and get my shit sorted.
i am actually quite sick of doing nothing all day, every day. i'm sick of chain-smoking, eating so much, my fucked up sleeping pattern and all the drinking and staying out.
honestly, all i want is to start school and begin saving.
i went to centrelink with my mother today, and if i move out my mother no longer gets family assistance or her healthcare card - and without the healthcare card alone she will be bankrupt from all of her heart medications that are around over $50 each. so basically i can't move out for another two years. i suppose i am ok with this, there's no way i'd leave my mum out to dry like that and i have everything i want/need at home. it's scary how crazy i get without normal broadband internet or the comfort of my own bed or even my setup in my room, it's comforting. not to mention how dependent i am on my mum.
not financially, emotionally. she's the one person i talk to about everything. besides maybe elle, but i can always tell my mother anything and know i won't be judged.

tomorrow i am working from 3pm to 8pm, and after that i am going to a gig and then elle is staying at mine after the gig. these plans are set in stone, so i guess i can write them in my planner ;-)

xoxo

the future.

i've been thinking about moving out a lot lately. mostly about what i have to do in preparation for when i do move out. this includes:
~ buying new furniture and re-doing my room (new wardrobe, new bed & sheets etc, duchess/dressing table)
~ start saving so i have some extra cash when i move out
~ buy my camera and all the other things i'm saving for beforehand, because i won't be able to save much if i'm living out of home.

i was talking to my mother, and she made it clear to me that i will be living in this house until i move out. i had expected that as a family we would be moving soon, but then i realised that was counter-productive. then when i moved out my mother would have to move again, to get a smaller place.
so i have begun preparing. i am going to start by saving for my camera and furniture simultaneously, mainly because i can't decide which i need/want more.  i will be getting a bit of cash for my birthday which should help with my saving, (as long as i don't spend too much of it on shopping and my party). i'm also slowly getting rid of all the useless crap i have floating throughout my room. this not only includes old clothing and shoes etc that i no longer want, but also schooling stuff, and childhood memorabilia that i really must work up the courage to give away, or if i can't - pack it into some boxes and store it away.
i'm so incredibly happy after christmas, i have everything i need to be happy and continue living my life the way i want to. i have my doc martens (which i feel so comfortable in, and they're fantastic for all the hiking i end up doing at parties etc), my new gorgeous studded handbag (which can fit everything in it not to mention how in love i am with it), and i have new underwear and bras which i desperately needed.
this year will be a new beginning for me, i am going to focus more on myself and less on destroying myself. i want to focus on my art, my health and a healthy way of losing weight, saving and getting back in touch with myself.

i'm far too excited.

 

boyfriend progress

i have been trying to treat my boyfriend like a king lately.
for too long he's been treating me like dirt and no matter how many times i say it, or yell at him, or cry and ask him to try harder - nothing ever changes.
and his response is always "i'm just so stressed out babe, omg you're so irrational"

gets irritating.
but the past few days have been a little better. his last HSC exam was on wednesday so since then he's been a little more relaxed, and i've just been telling him how amazing he is and how much i love him and doing anything i can to make him happy.
it makes ME happy when we're like that.

i think i've also gotten all lovey-dovey from hanging around joel and jazmine too much. they're too perfect, i wish i wasn't over the honeymoon period.
but juleyin and i are almost at a year and a half, which is a VERY good effort on both sides.

i get sick of people and juleyin must want to shoot me somedays.

but we're getting better, and i miss him so much right now.
he's camping in byron at the moment with brodie (on the trip i basically organised) but i can't go because my school certificate exams are monday-wednesday.
fucking hell.

when he gets back i am going to give him the best welcome-home-sex of all time.

first day of spring

three months of spring or six months of summer?
i am keen for either.

ugh, today has been shit but also wonderful.
the sun was shining and it was lovely and warm outside, i slept in till about 9 o'clock, i bought lots of lovely things and got a good lovin' from my boyfee.

last night juleyin and i went out to our favourite restaurant - the one we went to on our one year anniversary. it's in surfer's paradise and overlooks the main street and it is the best food i have ever tasted. it is italian and the pasta is made fresh every day, you wouldn't think it would make that much difference but if i could eat that pasta every day i would. and i'm not even a huge fan of pasta. it is also very open dress, like you can wear casual clothes or fancy-ish clothes and not be stared at like a retard. i always go to non-fancy restaurants and i'll be wearing a dress and heels and i'll feel so ridiculous. last night i wore a floral short-ish dress and beautiful $200 flats that give me mad blisters. by the end of the night i had taken them off. anyway - where the fuck was i going with this?

lol so we went out to dinner, then drove home and had some drinks. we were drinking my bourbon and coke, and juleyin really doesn't like bourbon but drank it anyway, i was like ugh if you don't like it don't drink it. i was pretty happy to be drunk, i really need to stop obsessively drinking i am becoming an alcoholic. even now i am dying for a drink but then i would have drank every night this past week. this saddens me, like i don't really care but juleyin does and he makes me feel so bad about it. he does have a point though, i'm fifteen. i can't believe that on random nights or during the day i'll be like "i feel like a drink" or "i need a drink". i'm too young for this shit.
vvv a photo of me at juleyin's after dinner blowing smoke rings. wish the photo turned out better.

so we slept in this morning, and got up around 9 o'clock. by the time we got to school it was after recess, i only went to two classes today - one of which i had a math exam and the other i was doing nothing. why did i even go to school? then it was time to leave again because it is sports day and i refuse to both stay at school nor partake in physical activity. it's getting really hard to leave the school now, i wish it was like it used to be when no one cared. juleyin and i went to the shops because he needed to talk to optus about his plan, and i bought a beautiful floral handbag that was on sale, i got it for $30. image featured below.

bad photo but it's so beautiful, i love it.

then we went to juleyin's and hung around there till i had to go to work. while at work i had several shitty customers, i was about to pass out the entire time and my boss kept coming in so i had to work. my allergies are also playing up. but while on my break i bought this amazing sketching book, it was $17 but well worth it - it's awesome and shows you how to draw animals, faces (and parts of faces etc), cars, dancers, flowers etc. i am so happy with it.

oh!! and also today the white stockings i ordered arrived. they are so pretty and actually quite strong so i doubt they will ladder too easily. i hope. if not they're only $10 c:
below is a photo of me wearing them, i feel like a ballerina.

29th of august

today has been ok, but at the same time pretty shitty.
i have felt like shit all day, i have felt so fucking out of place and UGH just been sad for so long, i can't help it and i wish i could and i wish i could feel at peace at school, i wish i could feel like i belong and i also wish i didn't care so much.

i wish that i looked different, i wish that i was cool with cool hair and cool clothes and cool websites and blogs but no.
i wish i was looked up to by people, i wish i was inspirational, artistic, anything but this.

 

today was shit, shit people in shit classes and shit me with no one to talk to.
after school i went to my nan's house with my cousin ayla, it's the only real time we've spent together in so long.
we cuddled up together in bed and watched titanic, one of our favourite movies.
gypsy darling had some nice cuddles with us too.

<img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-484" title="gypsy



then mum picked me up and we got some groceries, then went home. while at the shopping village mummy bought me a cute makeup organiser, she's so thoughtful.



then i had a shower, had dinner, other assorted things which leads me to now.
feeling like complete and utter shit.
had a discussion about the puppy we're meant to be getting and mum isn't sure anymore, because soon adam will have moved out and within two years i will have too.
then mum will have to get a smaller place, most likely and apartment, and you can't have pets there.

it's sad, but i think it's just another thing making me so upset. i need a drink.

expressing myself, public humiliation and self confidence

as far as the "self confidence" part of the title goes, mine is non existent after today.

in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.

i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:

"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.

unsuccessful to date, but still trying."

 

i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.

i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.

i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.

everyone hates me but i will not change

i just don't fucking want to, and fuck you for thinking you could make me.

 

 

sometimes i do wish my life was different. i wish i never started having sex when i was barely 13, i wish i didn't like to drink so much and i wish i didn't feel a release from self harming - whether it be socially, physically, or showing through in the actions i take (ie drug taking etc).
there is very little wrong with my life, but i am always sad. i wish people didn't effect me, i wish i didn't get better, and healthy again.
last year when i was still getting over the 2009 events, i was a rock. nobody could touch me, i was abused through the internet every single day but i actually liked it, i loved the attention and i loved that i could laugh it off.
then juleyin managed to convince me he actually did care for me and didn't just want me for sex, and i started feeling again and omg fuck why the fucking fuck did i do that.
i hate people!!
my lifestyle is perfectly fine, so what if i like to drink, and smoke, and only hang around guys.
what does that have to do with anyone else?
i am not trashy, i have been with the one man for over 14 months now.

ugh i don't even know what i'm rambling about i'm just sad and i don't want to change who i am and how i live my life to make it easier for people to be friends with me.
i really don't mind if people don't want to be friends with me, that's fair enough, it's just the way you treat a person.
the way you talk about them, and feel so secure in your circle of judgement that you don't think, you're just a pawn.
you're no one, i am no one. i'm merely a chapter in your bitchy teenage life that will have no relevance to you what so ever in the long run.

so why make me feel like shit?

brisbane and the holidays.

very happy and excited that the holidays are here!
the last week or so of school was very stressful, what with the assignment i had due ~ but i got it done and it's seriously the best feeling in the world. i basically have no work to do over the holidays and i couldn't be happier!

because of this, and the fact i only work thrusdays and sundays, i absolutely want to get away for a few days.
i had planned to go this week but of course i got my period, so i'd rather go next week. i have no idea where we'd stay though..
i think it'd just be juleyin and i, i asked him to see if we could stay at his cousin zane's house, but he's not sure if there's any room there. iunno, i'd just love to spend a night or two out of tweed. i really need it.

other priorities for the holidays are:
- my piercings.
ok i'm so pissed off on this topic. when school went back last term i came to mum with tonnes of good results and said i wanted a piercing because i clearly deserved it. my grandparents were trying to find a new house at the time and she said when everything has settled down. i later revisited the idea, and she said we'll wait till my half yearly exam results come back. then when they did, (and i got really good results) she said in the holidays.
i'm freaking sick and tired of it. i tried to bring it up last night and she ate me alive. i was devastated and got so upset.
i honestly don't understand my mother when it comes to me getting piercings. she let me get my septum and my tragus done about a year ago, but now she won't let me get any more when i just wanted some piercings in my belly, as opposed to the "bull ring" she let me get through my nose
i don't know. i don't think it makes sense.

i know a lot of people think i must be stupid, needing my mother's approval for piercings, but i like to respect her wishes when i can and she's really particular with things like this. but when i turn sixteen in february next year i'll be doing whatever i want as far as piercings and stretchers go, so merh.
i just don't want to wait till then to get piercings that aren't even that bad.
there's a "2 for $50" piercing special going on at the moment and i really want to get my reverse navel and my tongue done, but i don't see mum letting me. this makes me incredibly sad - i hate that i only have seven piercings now. i've taken a few out now...

- another thing i have to get done these holidays is my room. i plan on going through my plastic draws and my bookshelf, and throwing out all my old crap that i have. it's going to be hard, and it's going to take forever.

i want it to be next year, stat.

entry #1

i'm over this fucking shitcunt town. and truth betold i'm over my friend circle too. everyone's a mess, i'm a mess. everyone likes to pick on people for the sake of it, and then if someone stands up for them, they pounce on you.
people suck, school sucks, i'm miserable.
i bought my laptop 3 days ago, i couldn't be happier it's the biggest reward for saving half my money. there's a million things i need to do, i'm all over the place. but at least school will be over in a few days. couldn't be happier about that.

to do list:~

- get extension on history assignment
- do history assignment
- wax eyebrows
- finish english "prejudice" story
- change subjects
- bleach spare extensions that i don't wear
- wax eyebrows
- cut toenails
- paint nails
- paint toenails
- tat designs

ok i need to do these all really soon. i realise most of them are irrelevant little things but i work best when i work with lists. i want most, if not all of these done within the week.

i definitely need to get my english story done and submitted by the end of the week, same goes with my history assignment. fuck this shit, i don't want to do either of them they're so boring and gay. mainly the history one. like basically, i don't give a fuck so stop trying to woo me with your sexy muscles and baseball tees. (i have the hots for my history teacher ~lawl~~)
i also need to change my subjects or i'm screwed.

as for the rest of the list, it's mainly beauty-orientated so i want to get that done for the weekend. even though i'm not doing anything. fuck. -____-

saturday i have to go out to my nan's house because they're moving monday and i won't get a chance to say goodbye to my childhood home otherwise because i'm working sunday. and then obviously, i'm not doing anything on sunday because i'm working so i'm all bored and lonely all weekend yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. :l
then monday i have to help them move in. i hate it, i hate that they're moving but they have to, they lived too far away from us (or anyone for that matter) and if something happened they need to be closer to us.

i suppose tuesday will be my first opportunity to go anywhere or do anything. i'll see if juleyin wants to go away with me the first week or second week n_n

 

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

school is no longer important to me~~

legit.

i have decided to become a pot head and stop trying.
not really but maybe then i won't be so motherfucking stressed every second of every day.
i've had so many exams, and assignments, and everything in between over the past few weeks.
i'm such a mess every day and i can't take it. it's all school and home issues.
we also got our subject selection sheets etc yesterday, i told my mum what i wanted to do and she raged at me saying they were shit subjects and i won't make it to uni. i couldn't stop crying.

i want to do:
- drama
- advanced english
- modern history
- software design and development
- textiles + design
- biology

i am very happy with these but upset that i won't get any free periods.
there's so many other classes that i want to do but they don't count towards an ATAR so there's really no point in me doing them.

can next year just come now?

miserable.

so so sick of this!
every day, i basically want to die. i'm not sure when my life became so pointless and irrelevant, or when i lost my ambition, but this year has been a total disaster and i'm ready for the next chapter to begin. i want to move houses, i need a bigger room, bigger bed and new things.
i want to be in senior school, study things i like and actually have priorities. legit i get no enjoyment from any of my classes, except maybe ist - but they're all so gay and boring and uninteresting to me. i should just start getting really grilled before school so it's at least a little interesting.
mostly though, i want to be 16. i'll be earning more money per hour, and i'll be receiving youth allowance off centerlink. with more money, i'll be able to get the things i want quicker, and save more. i'll also be able to get all the piercings i want which is a giant and wonderful thing. and, my mother will have no excuse to not let me out whenever i want. and i'll be driving. watch out pedestrians!!~

i suppose i'm just sick and tired of being so goddamn depressed all the time. i know i'm putting a lot of pressure on next year to be amazing, but more than anything i just want this year to be over.

friday the 3rd of june.

i.e. yesterday.
it went splendidly! i had my final exam, science, and i actually didn't find it difficult at all. i finished sooooo early and had to kill about 40 minutes so i drew on a piece of paper and wrote t.mills and jeffree star lyrics all over it. picture is down tharrrrr ↓
i could not be happier. i should get some of my results back by next week, yaaaaaayy. if they're good, hello piercings! (they'll be good, it's kay guys ;D)

i'm getting my reverse navel but i just really hope i'm allowed to get my tongue done. probs not.
mufti went lovely, i felt super cute - i had a red, white and black theme going on.

we skipped last period because there was no reason to go to science after a two hour science exam, and ayla had left so i'd just be lonely basically. so we went to tweed city early, and i got my vans!! they were $10 cheaper than i thought, which was awesome because i then had extra money for the night. then zac took me home, i love him so much we never hang out anymore but lately we have been, i've missed him so much he's actually the best person to be around and we have so much in common, we just get along really well. always have.

then i spent god knows how long looking at merch online and have decided i need some whitechapel shirts and i also need a nice band jumper. if i ever have spare money this is what i'm spending it on. here's some of my favourites that i found: this Miss May I hoodie, this baseball tee, another baseball tee, this Whitechapel jumper, and this amazing Whitechapel zip up,.
fuck, i want them all so bad and so much more.

then i finally got ready and my brother dropped me down to juleyin's and we walked over to the restaurant. mostly everyone was there before us so at least we weren't waiting for ages.
i ordered a chicken tostada for dinner, it was so yummy and it didn't feel too rich or bad for me. it was pretty fresh, actually. i was so happy to see rhi as well, it totally made my night. i love her so much and i hadn't even seen her since she got back from america.

then when we were leaving the restaurant something really weird/scary happened. juleyin, josh, luke, rhi and i were walking through the fire exits of showcase and then we got to a door that was jammed. it was the only way out so juleyin had to kick it open. a security guard was on the other side when we got it open and as soon as he saw juleyin he grabbed him and started trying to "rough him up". i was so scared and the security guy was yelling at us so loud and swearing more than i bloody do! he kept trying to hit juleyin and he was just like 'uh what the fuck?' luke, rhi and i were out side and the security guy was in the fire exit with juleyin and josh, then he turned to me and said 'don't you go anywhere you little cunt' i was beside myself, he was literally the worst person i've ever met. then luke just grabbed me and said we had to run but they'd be fine. i was so scared about juleyin but we ran, and a few minutes later juleyin called luke saying they got away and to meet them at cold rock where the others from dinner were. i ran up to juleyin and his mouth was bleeding - that cunt had punched him in the face and there was a massive gash in his inner lip, srs you have no idea how deep it was! i felt so horrible, but i was very proud of him for sticking up for us. the security guard also started punching josh in the stomach, chest and back when he was doing absolutely everything he asked. ugh i was so mad and wanted to kill that guy.

so we got some icecream and went to todd's for the party. juleyin went with hayden and i went with zac. i hadn't planned on drinking but people kept feeding me shots and i ended up pretty drunk, but i'm so proud of myself i didn't mix drugs and alcohol i stuck to one, that's the reason i always get so fucked up - i'll already be drunk and then someone will give me weed.
then after a while hayden drove us back to my house, it was only a bit after 12 when we got home and mum asked me to be home as early as i could so i'm very happy about that. i also took my makeup off and brushed my teeth before i went to bed even though i was sooooo drunk, so proud!!

this morning i woke up at like 7:30am and couldn't get back to sleep for some reason. i was so shocked i didn't have a hangover, and then i realised i was still drunk - hahaha! i drank lots of water and watched skins with breakfast. then juleyin got called into work and i've been doing chores since then slash writing this!

here's some photos of my drawing after my exam, what i wore to school yesterday, what i looked like at dinner and assorted photos from the party and dinner.

so much nostalgia

exams all week this week, ew.

it's so crazy to think about how much i've changed and how far i've come since this time last year. i remember when i had half yearlies last year i was at one of the most shameful times of my life.
i had been kicked out of my home and was bouncing from house to house, i was drinking and smoking non-stop and it was around this time that i first started doing drugs. i remember one thursday night having a big argument with my mum and decided i was leaving. the next day i set off with my partner-in-crime, tori, with duffel bags stuffed with all our valued possessions and we left it all at juleyin's house while we hit the town that day. juleyin and i were close at this time, we weren't dating but we were getting together and constantly fighting the feelings we had for each other. that night we went to a party on the beach, and i still think it was the best party i've ever been to. or at least one of them. i got very drunk very quickly and i was then used as currency, something i am so furious about. i had no idea what was going on, i was out of it. some people i was with wanted some smokes and drinks off these guys. they said no, so they offered me to them. they gave them a few smokes and then basically gave me away to them. i'm not sure exactly what i did with any of those guys.
then a while later the cops came. i had to climb this mountain thing and got scratches all over me, and i left my only warm jacket down on the beach. that was my favourite jacket and i never got it back. anyway, juleyin and i were hiding up on this mountain and the only thing that kept me from losing my balance was a tree. i slipped, and began tumbling down this rainforest/hill thing. i got absolutely covered in scrapes and bruises but i thought it was hilarious. a little while later juleyin carried me back to his house.
i continued with this lifestyle for about a week, and then started doing weed. i also kept jumping from house to house, until i realised i had no money, i was filthy and unhappy because juleyin was back up in brisbane. i went home again.

a few weeks passed and mum and i kept fighting, i was wagging, stealing and going out and getting smashed when i was told to stay home. then mum basically kicked me out.
i was living at my step mother's house for a while, but it didn't really work. it was at this time that the half yearlies were on, and that's why i'm so amazed, comparing this year and the last.

now, my mother is my best friend and i love her to death, i never wag and i try hard at school, and we never fight about me going out because i'm allowed to go to parties now and she trusts me.

i still do drugs, i still smoke and drink, but everyone has their own way to deal with things.
also, i'm in a loving committed relationship, (it's mine and juleyin's anniversary on sunday also) and i'm not slutting it up.
can't even imagine this time next year.

oh and i had pixie cropped, bleach blonde hair. look at me now!
O_O