update and progress

single again, but this time it feels right.
i am hurt, zacc is a wonderful person and i will miss him, but i am hoping we can remain friends. i am mostly excited to start spending some energy and much-needed time on myself. hopefully i can get back into my exercise regime, though i somehow doubt it. i will try and go for a walk/run this afternoon.
eating is not going so good, must work on that and work hard. i keep failing every day.

as far as school work goes, i am pretty content! i have finished all due assignments and i am trying to work out a frequent study routine. so far working out very well!
pleased to say i am also getting back into old hobbies as a result of my new organised lifestyle - i am getting back into knitting! it calms the fuck out of me and is a great way to keep myself distracted and off bad thoughts. i am also altering/making my own clothes again which really does make me happy.

as far as my appearance goes i am both pleased and excited. i have been feeling almost attractive lately with new make-up and a hair cut. over the course of the next few months i am hoping to have better skin (the cooler weather is really drying mine out), more piercings and healthier, longer hair. every time i wash my hair i treat it and use morrocaniol, i am moisturising twice daily and use a face mask every so often as well to keep my skin hydrated. hopefully it pays off.

i am devoting the remainder of the week to myself, my happiness and my appearance. want to exercise more, wax my eyebrows and use a face mask, dye my hair and on the weekend i want to go out and just have fun - without the need for alcohol.

wish me luck petals x

moving on

same old, same old. this is all too familiar to me, everything is simply a repeat. i try to say i'm unhappy with the routine but last time i tried to change it i also tried to end my life. i don't understand what i am meant to do, where i am meant to go or where i am even headed.

things with my boyfriend are currently quite fantastic, he makes me happy and really does treat me well but i need to make sure i don't lose myself or my independence in this relationship like i always seem to do. i think things will work out for the best.

in almost every aspect of my life, things are getting back to normal. i feel this is a good thing but it also terrifies me, it's like nothing has changed and i haven't gotten any better, i'm just starting to move on from the hurt. i saw my GP today, and we had a good, long chat, and it really made me think. he was saying i need to start treating what goes on in my head as a disease, and not a weakness. but really, everyone has some degree of shit they go through, some degree of pain and suffering. it almost seems juvenile to go on about it like it's a serious problem. i'm happy to not change anything and to continue on the way i'm going, i'm happy not caring and just drifting. but there i go again, saying the same shit and changing my mind and regressing every time something goes the slightest bit wrong in my life. i am currently on easter break away from school, but once we go back i am hoping to god i have the strength to turn things around. i need to try and focus again, get organised. i also need to try to see the bigger picture, because when i do, all of my "issues" seem quite redundant.

these holidays i have a few things i want to do. i want to get my learners licence - mainly because i know this time next year i will be kicking myself if i don't get it now,  i want to get fit and i want to cut down on smoking so much. also, i want to spend more time with my girlfriends. i honestly hope i find the will to get these things done, everything sounds great in theory but i have next to no motivation and things just get harder the longer i put them off.

if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.

new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

UPDATE!

my "beautiful and amazing" boyfriend of two years broke up with me last week.
as such, i have been trying to fly under the radar while i am on suicide watch. i also drowned my sorrows with a new tongue piercing and spending all of my savings. i don't really want to delve into the details, but i do want to say that i think my mourning is over and i am prepared to start over, start this new life. because now that i am single i actually have nothing to do with my time and no one to talk to - hence, i am looking for new, interesting and wonderful people!
i want to focus on being the person i was when i met my now-ex-boyfriend.
i have also lost all the weight i put on while i was in the relationship. daisy is back!

i can't wait to show you what you threw away.

exercise entry/healthy bodies!

i feel so clean, i feel amazing.
i have been trying to cut down to 500 calories a day - it hasn't been going too well but not for lack of trying. my eating habits are getting a lot better and starting today am going to return to the gym as frequently as possible.

today i ate:
breakfast ~ nothing
lunch ~ "mini curry rice bowl" from top noodle
dinner ~ crumbed chicken breast, mashed potato and salad

as far as exercise goes:
i went to the gym and did ab exercises, running on the treadmill, cycling and rowing.
ab exercises:
~ hold body up for 1 minute (works your core)
~ 40 regular sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 10 side-to-side sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 20 leg raises.

treadmill:
distance covered ~ 2.92 kms
time spent ~ 31 minutes
calories burned ~ 132

exercise bike:
distance covered ~ 6.85 kms
time spent ~ 22.5 mins
calories burned ~ 100

rowing machine:
distance covered ~ 520 metres
time spent ~ 3.2 minutes lol (this was cut short as we had to leave the gym).
calories burned ~ 26

 

i have also successfully quit marijuana. one day i will try and quit cigarettes, but for the moment, i couldn't feel cleaner.

the future.

i've been thinking about moving out a lot lately. mostly about what i have to do in preparation for when i do move out. this includes:
~ buying new furniture and re-doing my room (new wardrobe, new bed & sheets etc, duchess/dressing table)
~ start saving so i have some extra cash when i move out
~ buy my camera and all the other things i'm saving for beforehand, because i won't be able to save much if i'm living out of home.

i was talking to my mother, and she made it clear to me that i will be living in this house until i move out. i had expected that as a family we would be moving soon, but then i realised that was counter-productive. then when i moved out my mother would have to move again, to get a smaller place.
so i have begun preparing. i am going to start by saving for my camera and furniture simultaneously, mainly because i can't decide which i need/want more.  i will be getting a bit of cash for my birthday which should help with my saving, (as long as i don't spend too much of it on shopping and my party). i'm also slowly getting rid of all the useless crap i have floating throughout my room. this not only includes old clothing and shoes etc that i no longer want, but also schooling stuff, and childhood memorabilia that i really must work up the courage to give away, or if i can't - pack it into some boxes and store it away.
i'm so incredibly happy after christmas, i have everything i need to be happy and continue living my life the way i want to. i have my doc martens (which i feel so comfortable in, and they're fantastic for all the hiking i end up doing at parties etc), my new gorgeous studded handbag (which can fit everything in it not to mention how in love i am with it), and i have new underwear and bras which i desperately needed.
this year will be a new beginning for me, i am going to focus more on myself and less on destroying myself. i want to focus on my art, my health and a healthy way of losing weight, saving and getting back in touch with myself.

i'm far too excited.

 

i will be thin.

i can't stop thinking about it, i could cry all day.
i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin.

free resorts and brisbane mates.

so last night juleyin and i went around to kirra, to a place called Wyndham Vacation Resort.
juleyin's cousin zane and two of his mates mikey and georgia were staying at this resort because mikey's dad gets it for free once a year or something. it was pretty nice, we were up on the ninth floor with a beautiful view of the beach, and there was a lovely sauna/spa/pool area.

when we got there we started drinking, and i was drinking elevates. i had never tried them before, and a four-pack was around $13 which is pretty cheap, and that got me smashed. i was so happy to get really drunk again, it's been a while.
zane was complaining that he had no weed so i told him i had some, and then he said he had no spin, and i said i had some. he like killed me with a massive hug. i only had one cone, i was pretty drunk anyway.

i ended up going for a walk to buy more cigarettes, and now i'm wishing that i didn't because that was money my cousin gave me for me to go get her weed. which means i have to pay another $20 when i get paid this week for weed. i also need to buy a bottle of vodka, and juleyin's christmas present. and ayla's. crap. i'm going to need a loan off my mother.

i felt kind of used by the time we left, everyone kept sucking up to me to steal my smokes.
after i got back from buying cigarettes i was just hanging with everyone else for a bit, then i had another drink and i was just fucked. i lied down on one of the beds and ended up throwing up, but someone had put a towel there for me so it only went on the towel. i was so glad i threw up, i ate way too much yesterday.

a few hours later i woke up, with no idea what had happened. it was around 3:30 am. juleyin was asleep in the lounge room on the floor, zane was on the couch and georgia was in the bed next to me. i got changed into my spare clothes, took my extensions out and tidied everything up and then tried to go back to sleep. didn't happen.
i then got dressed again and re-did my makeup and went out. i went for a massive walk around the whole of kirra/coolangatta, and watched the sun rise. when i first left i went to get a pie and it was really good, and about ten minutes later i wanted to puke.

when i got back to the apartment (i was so shocked i got the right floor and room number i nearly forgot), it was about 6am. juleyin was in my bed and didn't even seem to care that i had been gone. i got into bed with him and he kept asking me if i went to the toilet, lol. i wish he cared more if i was out on my own for three hours, like shit i freak out if he's gone 20 minutes.

i went back to sleep and got up a few hours later, with a huge hangover. that's usually a sign it was a good night. we went down and bought bacon and eggs for everyone but we were the only ones that had any. i had one egg, a tiny bit of bacon and some yoghurt with muesli. eating makes me feel so sick immediately after now, i don't know what it is - whether it's psychological or if something is actually wrong with me. hm.





before we left. i also got a blood test done yesterday so that's why there is a bandage on my arm.



georgia, she was really nice.



zane and me looking really fucking creepy



me "rocking mikey's hat"



juleyin and zane



this photo was actually an accident but i really like it for some bizarre reason. while i was out on my walk.

re-vamping my room and motivation

i have decided to completely re-do my room this week, hopefully i have the time and the money. i mainly want to get piles and piles of my favourite images off tumblr printed, maybe down at harvey norman where they have really good quality printers. hopefully it won't be too expensive?
i also want to draw up my diet plan on a massive piece of paper and stick it on my wall so i never forget, as well as do lots of sketches of thin, beautiful women to keep me motivated.

i also really want to buy some sheer, black curtains to put in front of my blinds but i'm not sure if i'll have the money/find them easily. hmph. i might ask mum for a loan.

the main thing is that i want to put posters and pictures up all over my room, and also set up the fairy lights that i bought today.

i want my room to feel like home again.

The ABC Diet - Ana Boot Camp

admittedly the title scares me a little - i do not have an eating disorder. i just hate my body with a burning passion and this has proved successful. i'm not sure if i'm even following it correctly, i'm just not eating.

the ABC diet is a 50-day diet which tricks your body into thinking it's going into starvation mode. each day you have a certain amount of calories you can have, ranging from 50 to 800. there are also  six "fasting" days where you consume 0 calories.

i have read that after the 50 days a lot of peple put on all of the weight again, but i'm just going to stick to it, or stick to eating the bare minimum. you don't lose weight and then expect to keep it off when you're not working for it.

i started this diet yesterday, the 16th of December, 2011.
my limit for yesterday was 500 calories ~ i consumed 501 in total and i didn't eat a single thing, just coffee and a low fat smoothie.

i also get the shakes if i don't eat (because my body sugar gets low very easily) so i also bought some barley sugar lollies, which are about 20 calories each and they stop me from shaking when i haven't eaten.

 

the 50 day calorie plan goes ~

Day 1- 500 calories

Day 2- 500 calories

Day 3- 300 calories

Day 4- 400 calories

Day 5- 100 calories

Day 6- 200 calories

Day 7- 300 calories

Day 8- 400 calories

Day 9- 500 calories

Day 10- FAST

Day 11- 150 calories

Day 12- 200 calories

Day 13- 400 calories

Day 14- 350 calories

Day 15- 250 calories

Day 16- 200 calories

Day 17- FAST

Day 18- 200 calories

Day 19- 100 calories

Day 20- FAST

Day 21- 300 calories

Day 22- 250 calories

Day 23- 200 calories

Day 24- 150 calories

Day 25- 100 calories

Day 26- 50 calories

Day 27- 100 calories

Day 28- 200 calories

Day 29- 200 calories

Day 30- 300 calories

Day 31- 800 calories

Day 32- FAST

Day 33- 250 calories

Day 34- 350 calories

Day 35- 450 calories

Day 36- FAST

Day 37- 300 calories

Day 38- 450 calories

Day 39- 400 calories

Day 40- 350 calories

Day 41- 300 calories

Day 42- 250 calories

Day 43- 200 calories

Day 44- 200 calories

Day 45- 250 calories

Day 46- 200 calories

Day 47- 300 calories

Day 48- 200 calories

Day 49- 150 calories

Day 50- FAST

Slowly return to a normal diet.

 

i have also realised that my first fasting day is Christmas Day. that won't happen in any way shape or form so i am going to fast for two days afterwards (or as long as i can) and then re-start my diet where i left off.