alone again: 3.0

a week or so ago, i lost my boyfriend for the second time. i honestly have no idea if i will get him back this time around.
the last week has been a surge of self-loathing and realisations, and i'm determined to not let this ruin me. i have taken quite a bit of time off school since things have been so hard for me as of late (even before the break up), and tomorrow i start again. i am terrified, and doubtful, and feeling the pressure. it's not like last year, i can no longer afford to take time off to get myself together. this is it, i only have two more terms left and i'm petrified.

i am attempting to channel my pain into productive things, and to really buckle down and give this everything i have. i just have to make it to the end of the year.

my focus over the next few weeks is to be driven, focused, and leave partying for the weekends.
i hate that i've lost you, but i may have just found myself.

Nowhere, Nothing

excerpt i found from my english book from the beginning of 2012, a piece i wrote about my suicide attempt. i found this yesterday, a piece of writing we had to compose that depicted a "journey", and it was so hard to read. sharing it for no particular reason whatsoever.

"Nowhere, Nothing. 05/03/12.

I have a constant sickness in my stomach, and my chest feels as though there's something missing. It's a constant aching, and no amount of doctors and psychiatrists have the ability to make that go away.

Most of the time I'm told that it's not the destination that matters most, but the journey. But what if it's not a journey I want to take? What if the destination - no matter where that might be - isn't where I want to go?

I woke up in what was an obviously familiar place. It smelled of my childhood toys, dusted and forgotten. I felt comfortable though I was unable to move, I felt stuck - I was positioned on my stomach with my face in a pillow. I then realised I was in a bed - my bed. I heard my door open and the accompanying gush of air that always caused my blinds to clash against the window. I heard a familiar voice exclaim a familiar phrase, "Daisy, get up for school!"
I could hear her so clearly, her words spoke to me with such precision, clearer than I'd ever heard anything before. I was so completely aware, and yet I could not respond. After my mother repeated my name a few times - and I still failed to respond - she turned on my bedroom light and rushed over to me. She rolled my onto my side and in that instant i reaslied that the "stuck" feeling I was experiencing was due to the blood covering my entire body, that had dried, and thus bound me to my sheets. She asked me "What the fuck have you done?!" and yelled out to my brother for help, to call the ambulance, to save me from what I did not want saving from.

The rest was a blur of vomiting, needles and examinations until i woke up in the emergency ward at the local hospital. It would seem that this would be the destination my journey led me to, that sooner or later I will be be back here and will not leave. I am on a journey but I am going nowhere - I have no purpose, no need, no want or desire to be here.

The only mistake I made was not taking enough."