goals for the remainder of the year

the main connotation for this is to be more productive.
there are 48 days left of the year and i plan to make them count.

my first step ~

•  working more and getting fit.
  it's become abundantly clear to me that i have gained a substantial amount of weight. i now have a mass of 54 kilograms (kgs) or 119 pounds (lbs). how fucking disgusting is that. i used to weigh around 50kgs, which is still more than i'd like but i stayed that weight for a very long time, and it's not as if i'm still growing. i will be this height for the rest of my life, most likely. i always have this thing where i will stick to my diet and get all happy for a week or so and then i will relapse and binge and binge and binge. i have trained my stomach in the opposite way. i have been eating far more than i need to and now i get hungry and i get the shakes really easily, even if it's only been a few hours since i've eaten.
  my goal for the remainder of the year is to not eat less, but just eat healthy. and to get back into my regime at the gym. i want to go three times a week at least.
  i also want to begin working more. i only get two shifts a week and i have been telling my boss for weeks that i will be free and he almost refuses to give me extra shifts. i am going to go into work tomorrow and talk to the other manager who does the rosters and ask her for extra shifts. if a few weeks go by and i still haven't picked up extra work i will start applying at different places to perhaps start working a second job. i need more money and i need a reason to not sit at home every day doing nothing, because unless i have to get up early or do something with the day - i won't.
  ~


• saving more and spending my money more appropriately.
  like fuck, i'm sick of spending all my money from that week and and everything i saved from the week before. maybe i should just stay home when i'm not going to the gym or doing something productive like seeing friends or going out to buy a specific thing.
  there are so many things that i want and i need a lot of money for them, (most of them are online) and i spend so much money in real life on things that i really don't need. my only exception on buying things in real life is clothes. because i really need a new summer wardrobe and new clothes are cleansing and invigorating.
  so i really want to start spending less money, or mainly, stop going out as much on shopping days because i spend a shit load of money on food that i don't need and makes me fat, and i'm encouraged to buy shit i don't need. if it's not clothing or something cheap, i must not buy it.
  ~


•  lastly, motivation itself.
  there are so many things i want to do. and want to get back into. these include my art, making clothes, knitting and i really fucking want to re-arrange my room and set up a shrine-type thing, i have everything i need but i just can't be bothered to do it. i also need to do a big spring clean and throw out loads of old clothes.

day of shopping

best kind of day.
for me, at least.

today my boyfriend and i drove to harbour town, which is a big shopping centre composed mainly of factory outlets etc so things are generally a lot cheaper.
unfortunately we were driving up in his mum's car because she has borrowed his car for a few days ~ long story short it broke down and yesterday we had to drive to lismore to pick it up from the mechanics. everyone seems to hate lismore, but i think it's beautiful. maybe the people aren't, but i love all the old cathedrals and beautiful countryside that we drove past on our way there/once we got were there. my absolute dream is to live in a country town, in an old elizabethan country house with beautiful trees out the front with wonderful flowers and a swing attached to it. i would make my money off a little store in town that i owned that would sell things like clothing, ornaments, sewing/knitting utensils, candles/dreamcatchers etc and nic-nacs.

so anyway we drove up to harbour town, mainly because juleyin needed a new button up (business) shirt for his formal which is this tuesday.

after a few hours of browsing through menswear stores (omg most boring experience of my life) i was sort of allowed to "go off" and shop for myself ahah. my boyfriend is so cute when it comes to shopping for things he wants/needs. we both fight over where to go first.

so he bought his shirt and some cuff links, and i bought two pairs of shoes (all up $30) and a pair of high waisted jeans, a velvet jacket and a beautiful dress (all up $35) i'm the best bargain shopper.

- high waisted jeans.

high waisted jeans

jeans, further back

- business-like dress.

business-like dress

dress, close up

dress, different angle

- velvet jacket with metallic beading.

velvet jacket with beautiful beading, you can't see the beading properly because of the flash :-(

side view, my side-profile is just shocking

back view of the velvet jacket

- pointed flats with a slight platform. favourite purchase of the day.

favourite purchase of the day, slightly platform pointed shoes

better view of the point

- cream and beige floral flats.

floral flats

other view

i am losing patience

i am losing focus, i am losing reason to be here.
i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to feel this way.

i'm barely even alive anymore.

work is fucking horrible, every time i find someone who i feel appreciates my company i get spat on the face, and the last thing i ever want to do is be sober. someone take me away, someone give me something new, something exciting, something to make me feel like my time here is worthwhile.
i feel like if i get away, even for a few days, that things will somehow be better when i return. but that happens every time, and everything stays the same.

omg i need to save, fuck!

fuck fuck fuck! why can i not have a thousand dollars right now.

like seriously, that's all i need. then i can buy my camera and the rest i can save for in a matter of weeks.
i currently have a rather expensive shopping list/list of things i want dearly.
not to mention christmas is coming up and i need to save for presents!!! :'(

ok, the list.

• a shit load of lace for my sewing


• creepers


• more funky sunglasses


• socks (just like mid-shin length)


• more skirts


• dresser


•  blonde curly wig


• 24" extensions because these ones are amazing but quite thin so i could make them long + short but thick if that makes sense


• fairy lights - i found them at work for cheap but they're multicoloured ones i just want white ones :-(


• over-the-knee socks, maybe with some patterns on them?


• and of course, my camera.

fuck, i need money! i hope i can get some extra shifts during the next few weeks!!

boyfriend progress

i have been trying to treat my boyfriend like a king lately.
for too long he's been treating me like dirt and no matter how many times i say it, or yell at him, or cry and ask him to try harder - nothing ever changes.
and his response is always "i'm just so stressed out babe, omg you're so irrational"

gets irritating.
but the past few days have been a little better. his last HSC exam was on wednesday so since then he's been a little more relaxed, and i've just been telling him how amazing he is and how much i love him and doing anything i can to make him happy.
it makes ME happy when we're like that.

i think i've also gotten all lovey-dovey from hanging around joel and jazmine too much. they're too perfect, i wish i wasn't over the honeymoon period.
but juleyin and i are almost at a year and a half, which is a VERY good effort on both sides.

i get sick of people and juleyin must want to shoot me somedays.

but we're getting better, and i miss him so much right now.
he's camping in byron at the moment with brodie (on the trip i basically organised) but i can't go because my school certificate exams are monday-wednesday.
fucking hell.

when he gets back i am going to give him the best welcome-home-sex of all time.