tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60550236305317404312024-02-19T13:57:28.202+10:00Violently Subtleviolentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.comBlogger166125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-26383742857161100692013-05-02T20:29:00.000+10:002013-05-02T20:29:27.879+10:00versatile<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i am constantly torn between long hair and short hair, coloured hair or blonde hair, black hair or some combination of all of the above.<br />
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two weeks ago i dyed my hair green, and a few days ago i changed it to a dark pink/magenta. i think i am going to enjoy playing around with my hair while it is so short and versatile, and when it is long enough for me to put my extensions back in i probably will. short hair is so fun and easy, but i have been feeling rather boyish of late so i think it's the way to go.</div>
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violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-8675175777045125712013-04-18T22:34:00.001+10:002013-04-18T22:34:30.780+10:00alternative pathways<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i have recently dropped out of high school (with only two terms to go), and it was honestly the best decision i have ever made. most people probably expected me to feel regretful and upset by now, but i knew what i was doing when i made the decision and i haven't missed school for a single second.<br />
i guess what a lot of adults (and students, too) don't realise is that there are many, many different means of getting into university or other forms of tertiary education. i did not make the decision to leave school lightly. i have taken months off at a time for personal reasons and i have attempted to return on at least five different occasions, so no one can say i didn't try.<br />
for the last few weeks i have been getting back in touch with myself - drawing, writing, reading and knitting - these activities mean absolutely everything to me, and i haven't been able to get back into them until recently because i wasn't in the right frame of mind. i could not be happier to be able to do what i love again, and to take some time to remember who i am and, well, remind myself why i shouldn't end it all.<br />
i am currently deciding on one out of two TAFE courses that start in july, and i am very, very excited.<br />
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my relationship is also stronger and better than ever, and i feel like myself again. i think i just might be ok.<br />
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violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-28723499005774647552013-02-24T17:34:00.002+10:002013-02-24T17:34:41.179+10:00alone again: 3.0<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=IMG_20130224_171637_zpsa2efa860.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/IMG_20130224_171637_zpsa2efa860.jpg" width="640" /></a>
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a week or so ago, i lost my boyfriend for the second time. i honestly have no idea if i will get him back this time around.<br />
the last week has been a surge of self-loathing and realisations, and i'm determined to not let this ruin me. i have taken quite a bit of time off school since things have been so hard for me as of late (even before the break up), and tomorrow i start again. i am terrified, and doubtful, and feeling the pressure. it's not like last year, i can no longer afford to take time off to get myself together. this is it, i only have two more terms left and i'm petrified.<br />
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i am attempting to channel my pain into productive things, and to really buckle down and give this everything i have. i just have to make it to the end of the year.</div>
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my focus over the next few weeks is to be driven, focused, and leave partying for the weekends.<br />
i hate that i've lost you, but i may have just found myself.</div>
violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-64567929703501316482013-02-06T11:34:00.000+10:002013-02-06T11:34:31.096+10:00Nowhere, Nothing<b>excerpt i found from my english book from the beginning of 2012, a piece i wrote about my suicide attempt. </b>i found this yesterday, a piece of writing we had to compose that depicted a "journey", and it was so hard to read. sharing it for no particular reason whatsoever.<br />
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"<i>Nowhere, Nothing. 05/03/12.<br /><br />I have a constant sickness in my stomach, and my chest feels as though there's something missing. It's a constant aching, and no amount of doctors and psychiatrists have the ability to make that go away.<br /><br />Most of the time I'm told that it's not the destination that matters most, but the journey. But what if it's not a journey I want to take? What if the destination - no matter where that might be - isn't where I want to go?<br /><br />I woke up in what was an obviously familiar place. It smelled of my childhood toys, dusted and forgotten. I felt comfortable though I was unable to move, I felt stuck - I was positioned on my stomach with my face in a pillow. I then realised I was in a bed - my bed. I heard my door open and the accompanying gush of air that always caused my blinds to clash against the window. I heard a familiar voice exclaim a familiar phrase, "Daisy, get up for school!"<br />I could hear her so clearly, her words spoke to me with such precision, clearer than I'd ever heard anything before. I was so completely aware, and yet I could not respond. After my mother repeated my name a few times - and I still failed to respond - she turned on my bedroom light and rushed over to me. She rolled my onto my side and in that instant i reaslied that the "stuck" feeling I was experiencing was due to the blood covering my entire body, that had dried, and thus bound me to my sheets. She asked me "What the fuck have you done?!" and yelled out to my brother for help, to call the ambulance, to save me from what I did not want saving from.<br /><br />The rest was a blur of vomiting, needles and examinations until i woke up in the emergency ward at the local hospital. It would seem that this would be the destination my journey led me to, that sooner or later I will be be back here and will not leave. I am on a journey but I am going nowhere - I have no purpose, no need, no want or desire to be here.<br /><br />The only mistake I made was not taking enough."</i>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-53569804194034638882013-01-19T17:47:00.000+10:002013-01-19T17:47:08.412+10:00acrylic lovehave recently discovered the joy of doing my own fake nails. my hands look so slender and beautiful with them and cutting/filing/decorating them is just so much fun! i am waiting on a few packages in the mail, some of which contain rhinestones/bows etc i can put on my nails. so excited!<br />
here are two images from my first two attempts.<br />
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second attempt, hot pink with assorted embellishments and glitter.violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-47307978441824309492013-01-04T14:31:00.000+10:002013-01-04T14:31:34.535+10:00NYE<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=IMG_20130101_135006.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/IMG_20130101_135006.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=IMG_20130101_135133.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/IMG_20130101_135133.jpg" width="640" /></a>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-24488478289274212382012-11-06T22:15:00.000+10:002012-11-06T22:15:29.884+10:00life update<a href="http://s1143.beta.photobucket.com/user/violentlysubtle_/library/" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/sparklecroppedjpg.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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it seems things have been less chaotic lately, yet equally challenging on my stability.<br />
my boyfriend and i have been back together for over two months now, and while things are going fantastic at this current point in time - it hasn't been easy. we have already had a few major fights and issues, though we were able to overcome them in a fashion we would never have been able to manage in the past. because of this, i am actually grateful for the turmoil he has caused within our relationship. we are much stronger now, and i could not be more pleased about that.<br />
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i have been back at school full time for about five weeks now, since the start of this term and the start of year twelve. things are proving harder than i expected, though, could i really expect anything less? i haven't attended school (properly) at all this year. just the occasional few classes before leaving anyway, and of course then there's the months on end that i rarely left the house, let alone attend school.<br />
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i have come a long way with my disorders, and while i am pleased about that i can feel myself slipping. but i now have the skills to work through it, the honeymoon phase wasn't going to last forever.<br />
over the next few weeks/months i am going to focus on the fact that i really don't have that much longer at school, just one more year and i will be done; not to mention the fact that some of my favourite holidays are in the very near future! get out your wishlists and prepare for the flood of drunken posts & photos.<br />
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violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-78204336155911534092012-10-20T21:52:00.001+10:002012-10-20T21:52:36.744+10:00back to blonde<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=IMG_20121020_124840.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/IMG_20121020_124840.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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*QUICK APOLOGY*<br />
over the past few weeks i have been insanely busy - i have been going out a lot, away on camp for a week, started year 12 and in general just being a lazy motherfucker when it comes to my blog. hopefully i can find some sort of motivation considering the amount of school work i have actually been doing as of late. if i can study i can blog, right?<br />
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this post should probably have come sooner as i have been back blonde for a while now, but regardless, i am actually incredibly happy with my hair for once. i have received so many compliments, and i actually feel beautiful for the first time in a long time.
<br />i feel like myself again. (◡‿◡✿)<br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=IMG_20121006_124922.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/IMG_20121006_124922.jpg" width="640" /></a>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-76352868853571903332012-09-10T18:43:00.000+10:002012-09-10T18:43:07.900+10:00beach outing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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went to the beach with my boyfriend yesterday, here are just a few snapshots i got. ps, i think i am finally showing how much effort i am putting into losing weight and working out/taking care of my body.<br /><br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1050109-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1050109-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-31142415799276896332012-09-09T19:50:00.002+10:002012-09-09T19:50:45.896+10:00back together<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=baby.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/baby.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
so my boyfriend of two years and i broke up in february this year, and i am very pleased to say we started dating again on the 31st of august.<br />
i am as infatuated with him as i ever was, he is such an amazing person and i am so glad that we are giving things another shot, i have missed having him in my life - not only as a boyfriend, but as a person and a friend.<br />
all of the recent photos i have of us together are rather crap, but here's a few old ones any way - with the oldest being from early 2010.<br />
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<br />violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-41537231769865639992012-08-27T21:48:00.000+10:002012-08-27T21:48:36.368+10:00new piercings & recent outings<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=meowjpg-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/meowjpg-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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last thursday i got two new tongue piercings. i used to have my tongue pierced, though i had to take it out due to being in hospital at the start of the year. i decided to get two this time, one where the old one used to be and one pushed a little further back.<br />
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i have also been out quite a bit this past week for parties and hangs with some friends.<br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=IMG-20120825-03004-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/IMG-20120825-03004-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-28253228783636201652012-08-21T20:04:00.001+10:002012-08-21T20:04:32.321+10:00just a few snapshots<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=mrowjpg.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/mrowjpg.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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my good friend B needed models for one of her major projects in art and photography, so of course i put up my hand.<br />
i don't know what it is, maybe i'm just an attention whore - but i love anything where the focus is on me or if people are working on me. eg, when someone is drawing me and i have to stay perfectly still, or doing my makeup, or if they're photographing me. i just love it.<br />
here's some photos from that day, most of which were actually from my camera that i took when some other models were being photographed. >.<<br />
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sneaky giggle :3violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-69899363115803576532012-08-19T20:00:00.000+10:002012-08-19T20:00:09.348+10:00and bullshit<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=400414_451142628239699_234768629_n.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="640" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/400414_451142628239699_234768629_n.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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and party, and bullshit.<br />
lately i have been going out, a lot. this is actually quite an unusual thing for me, as over the past few months i have become somewhat of a hermit.<br />
drinking and partying seems to be the only thing to take my mind off things, the only thing that makes me feel happy - and oddly enough lately people seem to be having a lot more parties and there is a sudden influx of people who actually want to see me. i have a few gatherings lined up in the near future - hopefully i remember to get some photos seeing as i always seem to forget to!<br />
i've been trying to spend more time on doing things for myself, but it's proving harder than i thought. i actually don't even <i><b>know</b> </i>what makes me happy or what i enjoy any more. running seems like an easier option for the time being.violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-6899546775964960922012-08-19T15:06:00.000+10:002012-08-19T15:08:41.566+10:00spring is on the way<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1040991-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1040991-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a>
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today it is the 19th of august, which means in twelve days spring will be here.<br />
the air is already getting nicer, the days are getting longer and the sun is showing its warm, beautiful self more and more each day. i could not be happier.<br />
yesterday i went to the beach for the first time since the beginning months of the year, and while the trip was not fantastic due to the chill wind that blew piles of sand in my face, it was something. i could not be more excited for the warm weather and the sense of joy that comes with it.<br />
lately it has occurred to me that i have now spent 3/4 of the year wasted being miserable and a slave to my own thoughts - so i am overjoyed to have the end of the year on it's way.<br />
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it is now more crucial than ever to have my body in pristine condition, i simply cannot wait for summer to come when i can tan every other day and have a reason to work out/shave my legs. also excited for summer fashion and in general not shivering to death every time a breeze passes by or when it gets past 4pm.<br />
though i have been fake tanning a fair bit lately, i need the real deal.<br />
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on another note, i am almost blonde. hair is a current mixture of dull orange/yellow and strawberry blonde with my dark underlayers. hopefully only one or two more bleaches and i will be blonde again!<br />
the future is looking up.</div>
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1040992-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1040992-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1040990-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1040990-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-49134459496592060972012-07-25T22:48:00.000+10:002012-07-25T22:48:05.457+10:00personal project (note: includes nudity)~small disclaimer~: these photographs are mine, they were taken for a personal, artistic project and are in <b><i>no</i></b> way, shape or form child pornography. if you have nothing nice to say please keep your comments to yourself.<br />
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over the weekend my friend B and i got together to help each other out with a few little projects. i was modelling for her with a few different photo shoots for her photography and art assignments, and she also did another shoot as a favour to me - my first nude photo shoot.<br />
i have always wanted to but never had the opportunity until now. it was a lot of fun and i'm very excited to do something similar soon.<br />
this particular shoot had a few different purposes/meanings behind it:<br />
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<li>recreating some favourite photographers' work</li>
<li>the beauty of the human body despite disfigurement</li>
<li>inner beauty and being comfortable in your own skin</li>
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(to do with the first dot point) we were experimenting with dark lighting and the effect of shadows, and as such, a few of the images turned out pretty crummy with quality. nonetheless i have a few favourites. they are -</div>
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because of the issues with the lighting etc we're doing another similar shoot in the near future, i am very excited to see how they turn out. :-)</div>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-25535902264676640032012-07-03T14:42:00.000+10:002012-07-03T14:42:37.658+10:00overnight camping trip<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1040595-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1040595-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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a delayed post as this was the other day, but anyway. over the weekend a few friends and i went camping just for the night at a lovely spot by the river. there was alcohol, a fire, a sound system and good people. there was a bit of teen drama but that's to be expected. overall it was a good night.<br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1060874-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1060874-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1060875-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1060875-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-43790360643672040262012-06-26T14:05:00.002+10:002012-06-26T14:05:30.424+10:00youtube videosso lately i have been receiving a <i style="font-weight: bold;">lot </i>of questions on my tumblr regarding my sex life: things i have done, opinions regarding that and so on. i have also received a lot of questions from people saying they "want" me, and that is very flattering to me! as a result i have also gotten the vibe that some people may think it is slutty of me to be answering these questions so openly. someone also wanted to hear my voice in real life, so i decided to record a youtube video detailing my opinions on a few issues.<br />
i actually really enjoyed making the video and found it a lot more personal than writing text posts/taking photos etc. i am currently very ill but i think when i am better i will record some more on some different topics.<br />
any ideas? leave a comment below! it would be greatly appreciated. ♥<br />
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here is the video from last week.<br />
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<br />violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-38928716743638848022012-06-26T13:49:00.000+10:002012-06-26T13:49:25.350+10:00engagement party<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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taken 22/6/12.<br />
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so last friday night i went to a party to celebrate the engagement of my two good friends zac and sam. they are young but they are happy and therefore i am happy for them. i had not eaten that day, so things got a little messy for me, but overall it was a good night.<br />
there was a cute guy there too, mark, who zac told me liked me. we made out a little and i gave him my number but i have not heard from him since. oh well.<br />
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even though i look as drunk and messy in these photos as i was, i love these people and i love how happy i look in these photos.violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-39019585568091844592012-06-17T18:16:00.000+10:002012-06-17T18:16:46.634+10:00shaved head and a lonely bedtoday josie and i went on a picnic, it was beautiful. i have had a wonderful weekend.<br />
last night i was with meg and gage, and we ended up driving up to see a friend of mine. didn't do all that much but i had a fantastic time.<br />
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so my appearance has changed a little over the last few weeks. a few weeks ago i cut my hair <i style="font-weight: bold;">much </i>shorter than it was, and bleached the top parts, leaving the underlayers black. i then dyed the top layers bright orange. i have also fallen in love with fake tanning, and the last week i shaved the sides of my head. i am so happy with the result. change is always welcome for me.<br />
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above is a better view of each side of my hair/head.<br />
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outfit featured in this post~:</div>
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choker - ebay</div>
lace patterned shirt - vintage (passed down to me)<br />
skirt - mink pink<br />
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opaque stockings - cotton on</div>
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thigh-high stockings - miss shop (myer)</div>
platform shoes - payless shoesviolentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-8740294696460571052012-06-11T19:35:00.000+10:002012-06-11T19:35:05.030+10:00going through changesit has been a chaotic few weeks.<br />a lot of changes have been made, and a lot of steps have been put into place for further changes.<br /><br />over the past few weeks i have made the foolish yet inevitable mistake of mindless ex-sex, which ultimately has made me worse off than i ever was. i don't want to delve into details, but it ended, again, because he did not want anything from me, other than my body. i told myself i was ok with that but in the end i was just in too much pain. long story short, i broke it off - and it was one of the most painful things i have ever had to do.<br />now that i am positive there is nothing left between us, and there never will be again, i am able to move on. though i have never been in more pain, and never felt more alone.<br />i wish i could cope better on my own. i know this is what i wanted and that i will be able to address my own problems a bit better while on my own, but it is just hard. i am not sure why i feel the need to be in a relationship all the time, but i wish it wasn't like that. i think i like having the distraction of being able to focus on someone else rather than myself, but this is something that i need to do.<br /><br /><div>
anyway, moving on. my mental health has been worse than ever over the past few weeks, and i find myself fantasizing of suicide more than ever before. because of this i have decided to go to the adolescent psychiatric facility that i was originally going to be committed to in february. i am now just waiting for a bed. i am also back in regular therapy with my psychologist, and have seen a psychiatrist who has changed my medication. at the moment i am off medication for two weeks, to let my current medication get out of my body completely. i will then begin taking my new one - hopefully it helps with my moods. later on in the week i have to go see an eating disorder specialist as well, i am hoping that it gives me some closure with the helplessness i am feeling - but at the same time i am terrified to talk about it.</div>
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regardless, i am taking steps towards getting better, no matter how hard and painful it is.<br />i have never been more terrified in my life.</div>violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-30013932474003344132012-05-27T15:18:00.000+10:002012-05-27T15:20:47.522+10:00hair/appearance update<br />
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/forever bumming around on photoshop and other photo editors.<br />
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i have been so lazy with my blogging lately, mostly because i have had nothing to blog about. but i recently acquired a few gorgeous new garments/accessories and i am very excited to get some good pictures.<br />
i have recently dyed my hair again (just re-doing the black) and have given my extensions a trim. they are now no longer ratty at the ends, they are thicker and are at a more natural length.<br />
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my septum pincher arrived a while ago, and my septum is now stretched to 2.1mm. i also got my medusa changed to a silver ball so they match. unfortunately i have also gotten my first blow out on my right stretcher. the other night i upsized to 22mm and i realised the next morning that it had turned into a blow out. it is very painful, and all i can really to do help it is regularly put bio-oil on it, and when i am able to take it out - massage it. hopefully it resolves itself and i won't have to downsize! when it is all healed up i have a 22mm steel tunnel to change it to.<br />
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<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=Collages.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/Collages.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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my now-22mm lobe. hopefully soon to be changed to a steel tunnel.
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my pentagram choker also arrived (featured in the first photo), along with another more simple lace choker and some studs i had ordered. when i have the time and motivation i will continue on with my alterations on my clothes.<br />
<br />violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-71735407965065018062012-05-24T20:20:00.000+10:002012-05-24T20:20:41.464+10:00back on tracki have been meaning to post lately, (i have a few new things to show you guys), but unfortunately lately i have been feeling too insecure with my weight and appearance to be able to take photos, and hence, upload them.<br />
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this post is about my health/weight loss and my skincare.<br />
honestly, i am loving the winter weather. i have <i><b>very</b></i> sensitive skin and the cooler weather has begun to dry my skin out, this is why i have started moisturising (with either my mango body butter from the body shop or a watermelon infused body lotion from fiji) every day/night after i shower. my skin is feeling wonderful, and i have actually received compliments on my skin since i have started doing this. it's a wonderful confidence boost.<br />
my skin (on my face) has also been going very well. i have been moisturising like crazy on my face also due to the weather, and i have not had a single spot in weeks. for once i am very specific and careful to take my makeup off and clean my piercings before bed, no matter where i am. every night i use a special eye-makeup remover (for my sensitive eyes), then a neutrogena face scrub - and wipe off/gently massage with a warm face washer. i then use rose-hip oil (2-3 drops on a wet palm and rub together) all over my face and neck, followed by an organic rose hip moisturiser. i also use a hydrating face mask every 1-2 weeks.<br />
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webcam quality, (obviously no make up).<br />
looking rather sullen & ill, but i think my skin looks fabulous.<br />
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image #1 - progress photo of my thighs, image #2 - cigarettes and mother energy drink (what i seem to be living off lately), image #3 - writing in bed cuddling my puppy, she makes everything better.<br />
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eating and exercising (over the past week or so) has been pretty topsy turvy. one day i am doing wonderful and the next i binge. i have done extremely well the past three days and i am high as a kite, must remember this feeling to keep me focussed.<br />i don't have much to say as far as my weight issues go because i am far too insecure about it. but anyway, there is a photo.violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-7313917618703788072012-05-08T14:53:00.001+10:002012-05-08T14:53:43.004+10:00update and progress<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=P1040201-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/P1040201-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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single again, but this time it feels right.<br />
i am hurt, zacc is a wonderful person and i will miss him, but i am hoping we can remain friends. i am mostly excited to start spending some energy and much-needed time on myself. hopefully i can get back into my exercise regime, though i somehow doubt it. i will try and go for a walk/run this afternoon.<br />eating is not going so good, must work on that and work hard. i keep failing every day.<br />
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as far as school work goes, i am pretty content! i have finished all due assignments and i am trying to work out a frequent study routine. so far working out very well!<br />
pleased to say i am also getting back into old hobbies as a result of my new organised lifestyle - i am getting back into knitting! it calms the fuck out of me and is a great way to keep myself distracted and off bad thoughts. i am also altering/making my own clothes again which really does make me happy.<br />
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as far as my appearance goes i am both pleased and excited. i have been feeling <strike>almost</strike> attractive lately with new make-up and a hair cut. over the course of the next few months i am hoping to have better skin (the cooler weather is really drying mine out), more piercings and healthier, longer hair. every time i wash my hair i treat it and use morrocaniol, i am moisturising twice daily and use a face mask every so often as well to keep my skin hydrated. hopefully it pays off.<br />
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i am devoting the remainder of the week to myself, my happiness and my appearance. want to exercise more, wax my eyebrows and use a face mask, dye my hair and on the weekend i want to go out and just have fun - without the need for alcohol.<br />
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wish me luck petals xviolentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-71062337017114538042012-05-04T22:42:00.001+10:002012-05-04T22:42:42.290+10:00pure hate<a href="http://s1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/?action=view&current=blah-Copy.jpg" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="480" src="http://i1143.photobucket.com/albums/n635/violentlysubtle_/blah-Copy.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
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i have spent this evening bumming around, taking photos and playing with photoshop.<br />
in the above photos i am wearing my boyfriends "pure hate" tshirt that he gave to me, it's so long that i wear it as a dress and so damn comfy. can't decide if i want to alter it or not, it's a dream to wear.<br />today i got a hair cut, and i am very happy with the result. it's a bit shorter, but that just means it will grow better. i am also growing my layers out and i am in love with my fringe, we pushed it back further so it goes right to my ears - and i don't have stupid front bangs.<br />
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i'm afraid things haven't been going so well lately. my moods have dropped dramatically, and the things that seem to make me feel better are either horrible for my body or horrible for my mental stability. i wish i could explain further but i'm afraid i just <i>can't.</i><br />
words are failing me again, my mind is failing me again. i have all these circulating feelings and no words to describe the way i feel. i am in constant pain and i don't know what to do or why i'm even feeling like this.<br /><strike>whatever.</strike><br />
as far as school and my personal life goes, things are relatively sweet. i have gotten organised again, and started using my planner every day like i used to - the difference it makes is remarkable. i live by my planner, if it is in there i will have more chance of doing it than if a gun was pointed to my head. i also have finished most of my assignments and outstanding work to be done - and i am working on forming a regular study routine. i am also working on a major textiles & design project due in about a months time, and i am so happy with how it's coming along, and the ideas i have for it.<br />the 2nd of may also marked two months for zacc and i. he's so wonderful, he treats me so well. to celebrate we went out shopping and i got a few gorgeous things including new makeup, nail polish, a few chokers and the most gorgeous dress which i will make a post about when i am able to get some decent shots of myself in it.<br />also have a few garments that i am working on (mainly old clothes that i am altering), and i am excited to see them finished. will upload photographs then.violentlysubtlehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05477390070273490908noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055023630531740431.post-79471760873460082392012-05-02T22:09:00.000+10:002012-05-02T22:10:22.294+10:00casual gatheringon the weekend i attended a gathering at my friend's house. luckily he lives in the next street from me, so getting home etc wasn't really an issue. things got a little out of hand unfortunately, i drank far too much and broke my streak of no drugs. messy messy. none the less, i had a quite pleasant night and rather enjoyed myself.<br />
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i have decided not to drink for a while though, my liver already has permanent damage done to it and i have been drinking at least once a week even since i got out of hospital for liver problems. i really need to start taking care of myself. i have also recently discovered there are very few foods i can eat - lately i have felt awfully sick after eating/drinking dairy products and i feel so sick if i have carbohydrates or anything that tends to expand in your stomach (breads etc). i have stopped eating fast food/crap and i've been drinking a lot more water. feel so clean.<br />
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anyway, here's some photos from the party. :-)<br />
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i love meg! (<a href="http://kindoflovely.com/" target="_blank">Kind of Lovely</a>)<br />
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