new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

holyyyyyy fucking shit

just found this tumblr post i did when i was in hospital at the start of the year. this shit's crazy man.
i don't use tumblr anymore and haven't for months so this was like on one of the first pages.

"So here I am, in the hospital I was born in.

It’s really quite bizarre, I’ve never been in hospital except for the time I dislocated and broke my wrist.
So basically, I have a haggard bout of pneumonia, a chest infection and an ear infection. I was admitted yesterday afternoon, with no warning. I was at the doctors and they sent me straight here! Had to go buy pajamas from target across the street. Last night was pretty rough. I got a really bad temperature, and had to be put on the nebulizer twice because I couldn’t breathe. Juleyin surprised me and came to see me when he heard though, which was amazing. I honestly love that boy to death. He was here again tonight, came up with my mother and brother. The nurse was checking my heart rate and asked him if he could help me get it a little higher ;) Haha! We had maddddd cuddles in my hospital bed and played with all the toys because I’m in the children’s ward. OH, forgot to mention - I’m the only one in the entire ward! Apparently kids don’t get sick anymore. So I’m left to play with all the toys on my own. So fucking keen. The etch n sketch is my favourite so far. Drew Juleyin tonight c;
But medically, I’m still, well, shit. I’ve had like fucking four litres of saline in my IV which makes me need to pee 24/7, plus tonnes of antibiotics - both orally and through my IV. And I have an oxygen tube on because I can’t breathe. My right lung is shot all to hell, and it doesn’t take a doctor to know why. This whole experience has made me think about my lifestyle and the choices I make.

What have I done to myself?"

got me thinking.

i haven't made any changes. lol.
i quit smoking for a week or two after i got out of hospital cause it could like, potentially kill me if i did lol, but then i started up again.

i might quit again soon if i can.
but i'm lazy and a stressed person, i probably won't.