moving on

same old, same old. this is all too familiar to me, everything is simply a repeat. i try to say i'm unhappy with the routine but last time i tried to change it i also tried to end my life. i don't understand what i am meant to do, where i am meant to go or where i am even headed.

things with my boyfriend are currently quite fantastic, he makes me happy and really does treat me well but i need to make sure i don't lose myself or my independence in this relationship like i always seem to do. i think things will work out for the best.

in almost every aspect of my life, things are getting back to normal. i feel this is a good thing but it also terrifies me, it's like nothing has changed and i haven't gotten any better, i'm just starting to move on from the hurt. i saw my GP today, and we had a good, long chat, and it really made me think. he was saying i need to start treating what goes on in my head as a disease, and not a weakness. but really, everyone has some degree of shit they go through, some degree of pain and suffering. it almost seems juvenile to go on about it like it's a serious problem. i'm happy to not change anything and to continue on the way i'm going, i'm happy not caring and just drifting. but there i go again, saying the same shit and changing my mind and regressing every time something goes the slightest bit wrong in my life. i am currently on easter break away from school, but once we go back i am hoping to god i have the strength to turn things around. i need to try and focus again, get organised. i also need to try to see the bigger picture, because when i do, all of my "issues" seem quite redundant.

these holidays i have a few things i want to do. i want to get my learners licence - mainly because i know this time next year i will be kicking myself if i don't get it now,  i want to get fit and i want to cut down on smoking so much. also, i want to spend more time with my girlfriends. i honestly hope i find the will to get these things done, everything sounds great in theory but i have next to no motivation and things just get harder the longer i put them off.

if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.

zacc ♥

so on the second of march zacc and i started dating, i honestly couldn't be happier.
things are moving so fast, and i know it's so quick to be with someone new but honestly, why should i wait to be happy? as cheesy as it sounds he is honestly the reason i'm still here. after my overdose i had planned to try again as soon as i was discharged from hospital, but somehow he changed that. i may be judged for putting these thoughts and occurrences on the internet but i'm not afraid to admit what i've done, i'm not ashamed and i'm not scared of anyone's words, thoughts or opinions. only my own.

since i was discharged from hospital i have not spent a single night in my own bed. i have been staying at zacc's for about a week now, i just don't feel comfortable at home and things are so difficult - particularly with my mother. i don't think she is coping very well at all. i understand why she is so scared to let me out of her sight etc, but it makes recovering a thousand times harder and i don't need that right now.
i also have not been to school in a very long time. i tried to go last monday, and even though i only had one class - had a breakdown afterwards. i don't know what it is about school, the students, the teachers, the workload or the environment - but i just can't handle it just yet. i am going to be working on my assignments from home until i am ready to go back. i hope i am able to, but it's just hard for me. perhaps i might even end up doing my year 11 &12 at tafe.

zacc makes life easier, simple. even though we have been together for a very short time it feels like forever, i'm so comfortable with him and don't feel the need to impress him - i just have to be myself and know that he loves me for that. i'm trying not to get too attached in case things don't work out for the best, but it's a bit late for that. hopefully things don't end for a very long time, because he's just so fucking perfect and i don't know what i would do without him. he's already my whole world, been waiting for this for so long. (i've had a thing for him since i was 12 years old when we went to school together !)

don't fuck it up daisy, he's perfect and he wants you.

new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

UPDATE!

my "beautiful and amazing" boyfriend of two years broke up with me last week.
as such, i have been trying to fly under the radar while i am on suicide watch. i also drowned my sorrows with a new tongue piercing and spending all of my savings. i don't really want to delve into the details, but i do want to say that i think my mourning is over and i am prepared to start over, start this new life. because now that i am single i actually have nothing to do with my time and no one to talk to - hence, i am looking for new, interesting and wonderful people!
i want to focus on being the person i was when i met my now-ex-boyfriend.
i have also lost all the weight i put on while i was in the relationship. daisy is back!

i can't wait to show you what you threw away.

free resorts and brisbane mates.

so last night juleyin and i went around to kirra, to a place called Wyndham Vacation Resort.
juleyin's cousin zane and two of his mates mikey and georgia were staying at this resort because mikey's dad gets it for free once a year or something. it was pretty nice, we were up on the ninth floor with a beautiful view of the beach, and there was a lovely sauna/spa/pool area.

when we got there we started drinking, and i was drinking elevates. i had never tried them before, and a four-pack was around $13 which is pretty cheap, and that got me smashed. i was so happy to get really drunk again, it's been a while.
zane was complaining that he had no weed so i told him i had some, and then he said he had no spin, and i said i had some. he like killed me with a massive hug. i only had one cone, i was pretty drunk anyway.

i ended up going for a walk to buy more cigarettes, and now i'm wishing that i didn't because that was money my cousin gave me for me to go get her weed. which means i have to pay another $20 when i get paid this week for weed. i also need to buy a bottle of vodka, and juleyin's christmas present. and ayla's. crap. i'm going to need a loan off my mother.

i felt kind of used by the time we left, everyone kept sucking up to me to steal my smokes.
after i got back from buying cigarettes i was just hanging with everyone else for a bit, then i had another drink and i was just fucked. i lied down on one of the beds and ended up throwing up, but someone had put a towel there for me so it only went on the towel. i was so glad i threw up, i ate way too much yesterday.

a few hours later i woke up, with no idea what had happened. it was around 3:30 am. juleyin was asleep in the lounge room on the floor, zane was on the couch and georgia was in the bed next to me. i got changed into my spare clothes, took my extensions out and tidied everything up and then tried to go back to sleep. didn't happen.
i then got dressed again and re-did my makeup and went out. i went for a massive walk around the whole of kirra/coolangatta, and watched the sun rise. when i first left i went to get a pie and it was really good, and about ten minutes later i wanted to puke.

when i got back to the apartment (i was so shocked i got the right floor and room number i nearly forgot), it was about 6am. juleyin was in my bed and didn't even seem to care that i had been gone. i got into bed with him and he kept asking me if i went to the toilet, lol. i wish he cared more if i was out on my own for three hours, like shit i freak out if he's gone 20 minutes.

i went back to sleep and got up a few hours later, with a huge hangover. that's usually a sign it was a good night. we went down and bought bacon and eggs for everyone but we were the only ones that had any. i had one egg, a tiny bit of bacon and some yoghurt with muesli. eating makes me feel so sick immediately after now, i don't know what it is - whether it's psychological or if something is actually wrong with me. hm.





before we left. i also got a blood test done yesterday so that's why there is a bandage on my arm.



georgia, she was really nice.



zane and me looking really fucking creepy



me "rocking mikey's hat"



juleyin and zane



this photo was actually an accident but i really like it for some bizarre reason. while i was out on my walk.

brisbane trips

yesterday (friday the 16th) juleyin, brodie and i went to brisbane for the day. it wasn't as good as i had hoped, like it didn't really live up to the days i used to spend in the city, but it was still lovely and much better than being in tweed for the day. i think it wasn't as fun for me because i didn't have a girlfriend with me and i started my diet and was upset.

i had a bit of money to spend, and i didn't really spend that much so that made me happy.
i bought some makeup and makeup brushes,  a shirt, a $50 gift card for a christmas present and a cute canteen water bottle from sportsgirl.



brodie and i in the city <3 i love him.

 



what i bought, excluding the shirt.

 



said shirt.

depression/weight loss issues

i am just miserable, all the time.
and it's not even like i'm doing anything about it. one day i'll feel wonderful because i won't eat much or i'll eat healthily and the next day i'll get high and eat my body weight in fucking chocolate.

my depression also seems to be back and i've lost all motivation and i've lost everything that made me happy.
work has also been terrible lately and i've been having the worst few days of my life. the other night juleyin and i went out for dinner to try to cheer me up, i still felt horrible. i was quiet and upset the whole night, then when we got home (to juleyin's) he had a massive go at me for "treating him like shit", when i was just quiet because i was so sad.
he ended up getting high and i got drunk, still didn't help.
the past day or so have been a little better, but still quite awful.

yesterday juleyin took me on a surprise picnic because we had to cancel our shopping plans, and i hadn't eaten all day and i was feeling so wonderful and skinny. it was about 2:30pm and i ate a lot of brie and stuffed peppers on crackers. it wasn't even that bad because it was all 50% reduced fat but fuck, immediately afterwards i thought to myself "how great would i feel right now if instead i just drank a whole bottle of water".

i am also hypo-glycemic which is the reason why i get the shakes if i haven't eaten or if i have too much coffee and don't eat. so i was thinking i could buy some barley-sugar lollies to suck on. i'm not concerned about the sugar in them, in fact that's why i need them. to keep my blood sugar level up without having to eat. i'm excited to try this theory out, i'll buy some tomorrow and not eat all day and see if i get the shakes. tomorrow i am going to brisbane so that will be good. i will get a bubble tea for lunch because they fill me up anyway.

i am writing this post from home, i have been working all day and got home an hour or so. today was the longest shift i've ever worked, i just realised. i'm glad i working all day thursday instead of thursday night.

today i have eaten: a steak burger my mother gave me for lunch. i'm sort of happy with that, i wish i had eaten some nuts or an apple or something but my mother made it for me and i couldn't just like, throw it out. i think dinner is soon, i will just aim to eat as slow as possible. i.e. not much.

after work today i got changed because i wanted to do some shopping, and then realised i hadn't been paid. i got all dressed up for nothing.



taken when i got home, i was wearing an oversized, long-sleeve black shirt and stockings, as well as my platform sneakers. the whole five minutes i was out wearing this i could just feel everyone's eyes burning holes in my thighs. i was just thinking how good this would look on a skinny person.



as you've probably realised, i have a new thing for black and white photos.



i just think i look nice in this one.

back to black :-)

very happy with it! my hair also feels really fucking healthy after i dyed it, for some unknown reason.
here's some pictures i promised.









i really am happy with how it turned out :-) i've also decided to start wearing all black again, for a while i didn't ~ don't know why i was changing myself but i feel a lot more comfortable like this and even though i don't feel like i look pretty to the strangers eye, i feel good within myself, i feel more like myself.
below is a photo of what i wore today, my boyfriend and i were meant to shopping but he got called into work so we just went for a picnic.





we just went to a little spot by the river in kingscliff, and got lost on the way home. i don't really like kingscliff that much, the only other time i've really been there i was with my ex boyfriend, and he left me in the middle of the town with no money and no idea where i was. plus i was 13 and barely ever caught busses so i didn't know what to do.

 

day of shopping

best kind of day.
for me, at least.

today my boyfriend and i drove to harbour town, which is a big shopping centre composed mainly of factory outlets etc so things are generally a lot cheaper.
unfortunately we were driving up in his mum's car because she has borrowed his car for a few days ~ long story short it broke down and yesterday we had to drive to lismore to pick it up from the mechanics. everyone seems to hate lismore, but i think it's beautiful. maybe the people aren't, but i love all the old cathedrals and beautiful countryside that we drove past on our way there/once we got were there. my absolute dream is to live in a country town, in an old elizabethan country house with beautiful trees out the front with wonderful flowers and a swing attached to it. i would make my money off a little store in town that i owned that would sell things like clothing, ornaments, sewing/knitting utensils, candles/dreamcatchers etc and nic-nacs.

so anyway we drove up to harbour town, mainly because juleyin needed a new button up (business) shirt for his formal which is this tuesday.

after a few hours of browsing through menswear stores (omg most boring experience of my life) i was sort of allowed to "go off" and shop for myself ahah. my boyfriend is so cute when it comes to shopping for things he wants/needs. we both fight over where to go first.

so he bought his shirt and some cuff links, and i bought two pairs of shoes (all up $30) and a pair of high waisted jeans, a velvet jacket and a beautiful dress (all up $35) i'm the best bargain shopper.

- high waisted jeans.

high waisted jeans

jeans, further back

- business-like dress.

business-like dress

dress, close up

dress, different angle

- velvet jacket with metallic beading.

velvet jacket with beautiful beading, you can't see the beading properly because of the flash :-(

side view, my side-profile is just shocking

back view of the velvet jacket

- pointed flats with a slight platform. favourite purchase of the day.

favourite purchase of the day, slightly platform pointed shoes

better view of the point

- cream and beige floral flats.

floral flats

other view

boyfriend progress

i have been trying to treat my boyfriend like a king lately.
for too long he's been treating me like dirt and no matter how many times i say it, or yell at him, or cry and ask him to try harder - nothing ever changes.
and his response is always "i'm just so stressed out babe, omg you're so irrational"

gets irritating.
but the past few days have been a little better. his last HSC exam was on wednesday so since then he's been a little more relaxed, and i've just been telling him how amazing he is and how much i love him and doing anything i can to make him happy.
it makes ME happy when we're like that.

i think i've also gotten all lovey-dovey from hanging around joel and jazmine too much. they're too perfect, i wish i wasn't over the honeymoon period.
but juleyin and i are almost at a year and a half, which is a VERY good effort on both sides.

i get sick of people and juleyin must want to shoot me somedays.

but we're getting better, and i miss him so much right now.
he's camping in byron at the moment with brodie (on the trip i basically organised) but i can't go because my school certificate exams are monday-wednesday.
fucking hell.

when he gets back i am going to give him the best welcome-home-sex of all time.

i need someone new in my life

i am completely alone in the world.

my boyfriend is here but it doesn't feel like it, he has become so selfish and we never seem happy any more, we spend time together and i'll just be angry or he'll be rude and i'll cry but won't let him see because i'm too proud.

i suppose if he was gone things would be a lot worse

i just want someone to spend time with and take photos with and go shopping with and help me dye my hair and wax my bikini line for me and all the wonderful things girls like me do

crazy thought

i was showering tonight and a really weird scenario popped into my head.
i was thinking if i moved away, somewhere where i would never see anyone i knew again.
i was thinking that right before i left, i would fuck everyone i have ever wanted to, i would take so many drugs and i would be a complete and utter slut and ruin relationships just because i could.
then i would leave and start over and no one would know any different.

 

i have no idea where that came from. it's the best thing, to just fantasize about things you'd like to do but will probably never happen and in reality they wouldn't really work out.
i like to play things out in my head, then just imagine them.
the world inside my head is much better than this one, but i'm afraid sometimes i have difficulty distinguishing the two.

never, ever happy

and i'm sick to death of it. it's mostly when i'm at home.
not that being at home is bad, i love it and i barely even go out anymore, it's just being alone i think.
but at the same time, i mostly like to be on my own because people always hate me and they suck.

lately i've been hanging out with some really lovely people though. by lovely i mean cunts that are particularly funny and do fun things, things that i like to do, instead of boring shit that everyone else i know does.
i'm not making any sense, i never know what i'm talking about and i hate myself.

the other night my boyfriend also basically told me he's losing feelings for me. he says it's hard to love someone who's always snappy and always angry.
i try so hard. he doesn't see it and i feel horrible that i even have to try, but my mind is just so set in stone.

i get it from my father, and i hate that because i do not get along with my dad at ALL.
i'm so stubborn, and i have OCD with certain things and i will yell at anyone if they mess those things up. for instance, doing the dishes or really anything that involves the kitchen. man i sound like a stereotypical woman.
but seriously, it's so bad and it's what sparks most of the fights between my boyfriend and i when he's at my house.
i hate when people cook things at my house and don't clean up, or don't clean up the right way. or when they leave the toaster on, or the microwave on. things like that. hate hate hate.

i'm also just incredibly snappy because i'm always on edge. apart from my diagnosed anxiety i also have horrible self esteem and always think everything is directed at me.
then if i'm upset, which is pretty much always, i'm just generally rude and overly sarcastic to my boyfriend.
i hate that about myself, well i hate almost everything about myself, but i just wish i was a kind, decent person.

this rant has made no sense at all.

i am no slut

and i'm fucking sick of people thinking i am.

i'm an open person, so i can talk about sex to people.
the majority of my friends are guys because most girls i try to be friends with always end up being bitchy and disown me, or they'll be particularly boring and won't want to things i like to do.
because in my spare time the main things i do is drink or smoke up with friends (most of those friends being guys) then i'm automatically labelled a slut.
and i'm comfortable in my own skin, so i can be naked around people, like getting changed in front of people or playing strip poker at parties.

i hate that people, mainly girls, think of me as someone with no self respect. i wish i could be one of those people who say they "don't care what other people think" but i fucking well do, but by the same token i will not change myself to please other people.
it makes me so upset. i hate people, i just want to be able to be myself without being judged and labelled.

so fucking sick

fucking fuck fuck.
and fuck my boyfriend for making me sick.
and fuck him because he's sexy and a good fuck.
fuckedy fuck fuck.

fuck.

i only ever hang out with guys

legitimately.

i would love to have some girl friends, spend some time doing things i want to do, but i don't get along with any girls and whenever i do it always turns into a bitch fight sooner or later and that absolutely sucks.
the thing that i hate about only having male friends, is that i can't do anything with them if juleyin isn't there.
so if he's working or something, i have nothing to do. story of my life.
also, i can never do anything with them at night because juleyin works most nights and if i went out with them it might be a little weird. i'm always the only girl.

today, for instance;
it was me, josh, brodie, juleyin, blake and aaron.
we were like, doing burn-outs in aaron's car, cranking aussie hip-hop and squishing 6 people into his car all day.
i was the only girl, and everyone is really comfortable with me which i love, so we're not afraid to like jokingly hold hands or hug or anything, so to an outsider i must really look like some sort of genre-whore.
some of the guys i hang out with look emo, some of them look gangsta, some look indie and others look either normal or really weird.

i don't know but, i just want someone to have close to me.
for a while i forgot about my desperate need for a best friend, but it's come back now.
i don't mind whether it's a guy or a girl.

first impressions

i am honestly the worst at them. swear to god.

today made me realise that. i met this guy for the first time today.
i was like "hey, i'm daisy" and he was like "you're daisy wong. everyone knows you, how could you think i don't know you? i know everything about you."
i was half creeped out half flattered.
anyway, i realised throughout the day i talk about sex quite a bit, every five seconds i light up another smoke and i'm really big on public displays of affection. also, all the people i hang out with are dudes so i must seem like a blokey-slut.

does that make sense?

i also laugh at everything, making me seem stupid (i'm actually very intelligent but i'm just socially slow and awkward), and i tend to do silly things and constantly sound out of it.
not to mention the way i stare off all the time and my abnormally-squeaky voice which i'm sure must annoy the people who don't know me well.

long story short, i shouldn't meet new people.
and then when i meet new people when i'm drunk it's like all of that on steroids.

self-esteem, body image and sexual appetite.

as you're undoubtedly aware, i have some self-esteem issues. as does every woman these days. thing is, i never used to. then bam! i want to kill myself every time i look in the mirror.

though, remarkably, lately these have been resolving themselves.

over the past few months i've been feeling so shit and trying my absolute hardest to lose weight. as a result of my horrible self-esteem, i could never get into the mood because i could never feel sexy whilst naked so my libido virtually shrivelled up. i still had sex, but i never really enjoyed it.

then, last week or so, all these feelings i had just disappeared! now i eat whatever i want to and i don't feel bad, plus my sex drive is back and my relationship with my boyfriend is going a lot better as a result. i've gained 2 kilos since this has happened, which makes me sad, but i'm not too bothered. i just need to keep going to the gym and eating healthy when possible, and i'll become fit and not jiggly. that's enough for me to feel good about myself.

entry #2

you're still numero two.

MONDAY.
first day at school in like literally a week. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i have to complete a history assignment and a "prejudice" story by the end of the term, fairly sure. i really need to talk to my teachers about those.
but school isn't important. not to me at the moment, anyway.
two weeks holidays after this week - fuck yes.
i want to go away with juleyin in the holidays. maybe go and stay in brisbane at zanes.

[[[[[PERSONAL SHIT I CAN'T POST ON MY BLOG]]]]]

i really want to stay at his with juleyin for a few days and we can all party together in brisbane.
i think it would be mad and exactly the kind of thing i need.
zane must feel so good about himself, knowing everyone wants him.. can't imagine what that would be like.

to do list:~

- get extension on history assignment
- do history assignment
- wax eyebrows
- finish english "prejudice" story
- change subjects
- bleach spare extensions that i don't wear
- wax eyebrows
- cut toenails
- paint nails
- paint toenails
- tat designs

ok i need to do these all really soon. i realise most of them are irrelevant little things but i work best when i work with lists. i want most, if not all of these done within the week.

i definitely need to get my english story done and submitted by the end of the week, same goes with my history assignment. fuck this shit, i don't want to do either of them they're so boring and gay. mainly the history one. like basically, i don't give a fuck so stop trying to woo me with your sexy muscles and baseball tees. (i have the hots for my history teacher ~lawl~~)
i also need to change my subjects or i'm screwed.

as for the rest of the list, it's mainly beauty-orientated so i want to get that done for the weekend. even though i'm not doing anything. fuck. -____-

saturday i have to go out to my nan's house because they're moving monday and i won't get a chance to say goodbye to my childhood home otherwise because i'm working sunday. and then obviously, i'm not doing anything on sunday because i'm working so i'm all bored and lonely all weekend yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. :l
then monday i have to help them move in. i hate it, i hate that they're moving but they have to, they lived too far away from us (or anyone for that matter) and if something happened they need to be closer to us.

i suppose tuesday will be my first opportunity to go anywhere or do anything. i'll see if juleyin wants to go away with me the first week or second week n_n

 

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