moving on

same old, same old. this is all too familiar to me, everything is simply a repeat. i try to say i'm unhappy with the routine but last time i tried to change it i also tried to end my life. i don't understand what i am meant to do, where i am meant to go or where i am even headed.

things with my boyfriend are currently quite fantastic, he makes me happy and really does treat me well but i need to make sure i don't lose myself or my independence in this relationship like i always seem to do. i think things will work out for the best.

in almost every aspect of my life, things are getting back to normal. i feel this is a good thing but it also terrifies me, it's like nothing has changed and i haven't gotten any better, i'm just starting to move on from the hurt. i saw my GP today, and we had a good, long chat, and it really made me think. he was saying i need to start treating what goes on in my head as a disease, and not a weakness. but really, everyone has some degree of shit they go through, some degree of pain and suffering. it almost seems juvenile to go on about it like it's a serious problem. i'm happy to not change anything and to continue on the way i'm going, i'm happy not caring and just drifting. but there i go again, saying the same shit and changing my mind and regressing every time something goes the slightest bit wrong in my life. i am currently on easter break away from school, but once we go back i am hoping to god i have the strength to turn things around. i need to try and focus again, get organised. i also need to try to see the bigger picture, because when i do, all of my "issues" seem quite redundant.

these holidays i have a few things i want to do. i want to get my learners licence - mainly because i know this time next year i will be kicking myself if i don't get it now,  i want to get fit and i want to cut down on smoking so much. also, i want to spend more time with my girlfriends. i honestly hope i find the will to get these things done, everything sounds great in theory but i have next to no motivation and things just get harder the longer i put them off.

if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.

alterations

in desperate need of new piercings, bigger stretchers and tattoos.

unfortunately i'm at a loss as far as money goes. nevertheless, tomorrow i am getting my medusa pierced! i am unbelievably excited. i have been re-scheduled twice already so i am trying to not get too excited in case it doesn't happen for whatever reason, but my luck can't be that bad can it?

my appointment is in the afternoon so i will call around midday to confirm my appointment and how much money i need for it. zaccy is coming with me, thank god. i'm scared but mostly excited. i am also a little concerned that my septum might knock my new piercing. i have recently stretched it to 14gauge and the ring is a big bigger, and the ball sits exactly where my medusa is going to be. i may have to buy a small 14g horseshoe but i don't know if i have enough money for that.. i eventually want to stretch my septum to a 12 or 10 gauge with a silver crescent-type pincher.

here is a picture off the internet of the size my septum is and where it will sit near my medusa.

i also recently upsized my right lobe to 20mm. unfortunately my left isn't ready to go up to 18mm yet so i am left with one 16mm and one 20mm. this annoys me so much. this means i also need to buy an 18mm squishy so my ear will stretch even if it's not ready, because i usually just wait-stretch (wait until i have enough room to put a bigger stretcher in painlessly). so that's another thing i need around $10 for. not working is killing me but i am nowhere near ready to start looking for another job.

tattoos have also been on my mind a shit load, but being broke and under 18 makes that very difficult. i know quite a few people who would tattoo me but i am terrified of home jobs, like legit terrified. i know i have my shitty home job cross on my toe but that is faded to all hell now, and i actually loved it when i first got it done. i would like someone to go over it soon.

i just want to cover myself in beautiful tattoos and be happy forever.

my shitty, home job..

zacc ♥

so on the second of march zacc and i started dating, i honestly couldn't be happier.
things are moving so fast, and i know it's so quick to be with someone new but honestly, why should i wait to be happy? as cheesy as it sounds he is honestly the reason i'm still here. after my overdose i had planned to try again as soon as i was discharged from hospital, but somehow he changed that. i may be judged for putting these thoughts and occurrences on the internet but i'm not afraid to admit what i've done, i'm not ashamed and i'm not scared of anyone's words, thoughts or opinions. only my own.

since i was discharged from hospital i have not spent a single night in my own bed. i have been staying at zacc's for about a week now, i just don't feel comfortable at home and things are so difficult - particularly with my mother. i don't think she is coping very well at all. i understand why she is so scared to let me out of her sight etc, but it makes recovering a thousand times harder and i don't need that right now.
i also have not been to school in a very long time. i tried to go last monday, and even though i only had one class - had a breakdown afterwards. i don't know what it is about school, the students, the teachers, the workload or the environment - but i just can't handle it just yet. i am going to be working on my assignments from home until i am ready to go back. i hope i am able to, but it's just hard for me. perhaps i might even end up doing my year 11 &12 at tafe.

zacc makes life easier, simple. even though we have been together for a very short time it feels like forever, i'm so comfortable with him and don't feel the need to impress him - i just have to be myself and know that he loves me for that. i'm trying not to get too attached in case things don't work out for the best, but it's a bit late for that. hopefully things don't end for a very long time, because he's just so fucking perfect and i don't know what i would do without him. he's already my whole world, been waiting for this for so long. (i've had a thing for him since i was 12 years old when we went to school together !)

don't fuck it up daisy, he's perfect and he wants you.