Thursday, 12 April 2012

moving on

same old, same old. this is all too familiar to me, everything is simply a repeat. i try to say i'm unhappy with the routine but last time i tried to change it i also tried to end my life. i don't understand what i am meant to do, where i am meant to go or where i am even headed.
things with my boyfriend are currently quite fantastic, he makes me happy and really does treat me well but i need to make sure i don't lose myself or my independence in this relationship like i always seem to do. i think things will work out for the best.
in almost every aspect of my life, things are getting back to normal. i feel this is a good thing but it also terrifies me, it's like nothing has changed and i haven't gotten any better, i'm just starting to move on from the hurt. i saw my GP today, and we had a good, long chat, and it really made me think. he was saying i need to start treating what goes on in my head as a disease, and not a weakness. but really, everyone has some degree of shit they go through, some degree of pain and suffering. it almost seems juvenile to go on about it like it's a serious problem. i'm happy to not change anything and to continue on the way i'm going, i'm happy not caring and just drifting. but there i go again, saying the same shit and changing my mind and regressing every time something goes the slightest bit wrong in my life. i am currently on easter break away from school, but once we go back i am hoping to god i have the strength to turn things around. i need to try and focus again, get organised. i also need to try to see the bigger picture, because when i do, all of my "issues" seem quite redundant.
these holidays i have a few things i want to do. i want to get my learners licence - mainly because i know this time next year i will be kicking myself if i don't get it now,  i want to get fit and i want to cut down on smoking so much. also, i want to spend more time with my girlfriends. i honestly hope i find the will to get these things done, everything sounds great in theory but i have next to no motivation and things just get harder the longer i put them off.

if my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.


  1. probably my favourite band at the moment!
    glad you appreciate them! :-)

  2. They've been my favorite band for nearly a year an a half. Want to marry his voice/knowledge.

  3. Hey, thanks for stopping by and following my blog, been checking out yours and it's incredible, so brave to be so completely honest about how you feel, and it resonates completely with me. I went through depression a few years ago when studying but wasn't brave enough to tell anyone about it like you are, I just locked myself in my room for weeks and stopped eating I didn't realise it was depression until I visited the doctor for a different problem he said the same thing to treat it like a disease. you'll get through it, it's the toughest time of your life but when you come out the other end you realise you can go through anything. And remember you're helping people by talking about it, other people will be going through it too x
    secret stare

    1. no problem sweetie! :-)
      oh thankyou so much, and i am sad to hear that. yes, this is the only place i really can talk about it haha.
      thanks for the kind words <3