never, ever happy

and i'm sick to death of it. it's mostly when i'm at home.
not that being at home is bad, i love it and i barely even go out anymore, it's just being alone i think.
but at the same time, i mostly like to be on my own because people always hate me and they suck.

lately i've been hanging out with some really lovely people though. by lovely i mean cunts that are particularly funny and do fun things, things that i like to do, instead of boring shit that everyone else i know does.
i'm not making any sense, i never know what i'm talking about and i hate myself.

the other night my boyfriend also basically told me he's losing feelings for me. he says it's hard to love someone who's always snappy and always angry.
i try so hard. he doesn't see it and i feel horrible that i even have to try, but my mind is just so set in stone.

i get it from my father, and i hate that because i do not get along with my dad at ALL.
i'm so stubborn, and i have OCD with certain things and i will yell at anyone if they mess those things up. for instance, doing the dishes or really anything that involves the kitchen. man i sound like a stereotypical woman.
but seriously, it's so bad and it's what sparks most of the fights between my boyfriend and i when he's at my house.
i hate when people cook things at my house and don't clean up, or don't clean up the right way. or when they leave the toaster on, or the microwave on. things like that. hate hate hate.

i'm also just incredibly snappy because i'm always on edge. apart from my diagnosed anxiety i also have horrible self esteem and always think everything is directed at me.
then if i'm upset, which is pretty much always, i'm just generally rude and overly sarcastic to my boyfriend.
i hate that about myself, well i hate almost everything about myself, but i just wish i was a kind, decent person.

this rant has made no sense at all.