spring is on the way

today it is the 19th of august, which means in twelve days spring will be here.
the air is already getting nicer, the days are getting longer and the sun is showing its warm, beautiful self more and more each day. i could not be happier.
yesterday i went to the beach for the first time since the beginning months of the year, and while the trip was  not fantastic due to the chill wind that blew piles of sand in my face, it was something. i could not be more excited for the warm weather and the sense of joy that comes with it.
lately it has occurred to me that i have now spent 3/4 of the year wasted being miserable and a slave to my own thoughts - so i am overjoyed to have the end of the year on it's way.

it is now more crucial than ever to have my body in pristine condition, i simply cannot wait for summer to come when i can tan every other day and have a reason to work out/shave my legs. also excited for summer fashion and in general not shivering to death every time a breeze passes by or when it gets past 4pm.
though i have been fake tanning a fair bit lately, i need the real deal.

on another note, i am almost blonde. hair is a current mixture of dull orange/yellow and strawberry blonde with my dark underlayers. hopefully only one or two more bleaches and i will be blonde again!
the future is looking up.

personal project (note: includes nudity)

~small disclaimer~: these photographs are mine, they were taken for a personal, artistic project and are in no way, shape or form child pornography. if you have nothing nice to say please keep your comments to yourself.

over the weekend my friend B and i got together to help each other out with a few little projects. i was modelling for her with a few different photo shoots for her photography and art assignments, and she also did another shoot as a favour to me - my first nude photo shoot.
i have always wanted to but never had the opportunity until now. it was a lot of fun and i'm very excited to do something similar soon.
this particular shoot had a few different purposes/meanings behind it:

• recreating some favourite photographers' work
• the beauty of the human body despite disfigurement
• inner beauty and being comfortable in your own skin

(to do with the first dot point) we were experimenting with dark lighting and the effect of shadows, and as such, a few of the images turned out pretty crummy with quality. nonetheless i have a few favourites. they are -

because of the issues with the lighting etc we're doing another similar shoot in the near future, i am very excited to see how they turn out. :-)

overnight camping trip

a delayed post as this was the other day, but anyway. over the weekend a few friends and i went camping just for the night at a lovely spot by the river. there was alcohol, a fire, a sound system and good people. there was a bit of teen drama but that's to be expected. overall it was a good night.

youtube videos

so lately i have been receiving a lot of questions on my tumblr regarding my sex life: things i have done, opinions regarding that and so on. i have also received a lot of questions from people saying they "want" me, and that is very flattering to me! as a result i have also gotten the vibe that some people may think it is slutty of me to be answering these questions so openly. someone also wanted to hear my voice in real life, so i decided to record a youtube video detailing my opinions on a few issues.
i actually really enjoyed making the video and found it a lot more personal than writing text posts/taking photos etc. i am currently very ill but i think when i am better i will record some more on some different topics.
any ideas? leave a comment below! it would be greatly appreciated. ♥

here is the video from last week.

engagement party

taken 22/6/12.

so last friday night i went to a party to celebrate the engagement of my two good friends zac and sam. they are young but they are happy and therefore i am happy for them. i had not eaten that day, so things got a little messy for me, but overall it was a good night.
there was a cute guy there too, mark, who zac told me liked me. we made out a little and i gave him my number but i have not heard from him since. oh well.














even though i look as drunk and messy in these photos as i was, i love these people and i love how happy i look in these photos.

shaved head and a lonely bed

today josie and i went on a picnic, it was beautiful. i have had a wonderful weekend.
last night i was with meg and gage, and we ended up driving up to see a friend of mine. didn't do all that much but i had a fantastic time.

so my appearance has changed a little over the last few weeks. a few weeks ago i cut my hair much shorter than it was, and bleached the top parts, leaving the underlayers black. i then dyed the top layers bright orange. i have also fallen in love with fake tanning, and the last week i shaved the sides of my head. i am so happy with the result. change is always welcome for me.



above is a better view of each side of my hair/head.

outfit featured in this post~:

choker - ebay

lace patterned shirt - vintage (passed down to me)
skirt - mink pink

opaque stockings - cotton on

thigh-high stockings - miss shop (myer)

platform shoes - payless shoes

going through changes

it has been a chaotic few weeks.
a lot of changes have been made, and a lot of steps have been put into place for further changes.

over the past few weeks i have made the foolish yet inevitable mistake of mindless ex-sex, which ultimately has made me worse off than i ever was. i don't want to delve into details, but it ended, again, because he did not want anything from me, other than my body. i told myself i was ok with that but in the end i was just in too much pain. long story short, i broke it off - and it was one of the most painful things i have ever had to do.
now that i am positive there is nothing left between us, and there never will be again, i am able to move on. though i have never been in more pain, and never felt more alone.
i wish i could cope better on my own. i know this is what i wanted and that i will be able to address my own problems a bit better while on my own, but it is just hard. i am not sure why i feel the need to be in a relationship all the time, but i wish it wasn't like that. i think i like having the distraction of being able to focus on someone else rather than myself, but this is something that i need to do.

anyway, moving on. my mental health has been worse than ever over the past few weeks, and i find myself fantasizing of suicide more than ever before. because of this i have decided to go to the adolescent psychiatric facility that i was originally going to be committed to in february. i am now just waiting for a bed. i am also back in regular therapy with my psychologist, and have seen a psychiatrist who has changed my medication. at the moment i am off medication for two weeks, to let my current medication get out of my body completely. i will then begin taking my new one - hopefully it helps with my moods. later on in the week i have to go see an eating disorder specialist as well, i am hoping that it gives me some closure with the helplessness i am feeling - but at the same time i am terrified to talk about it.

regardless, i am taking steps towards getting better, no matter how hard and painful it is.
i have never been more terrified in my life.