alone again: 3.0

a week or so ago, i lost my boyfriend for the second time. i honestly have no idea if i will get him back this time around.
the last week has been a surge of self-loathing and realisations, and i'm determined to not let this ruin me. i have taken quite a bit of time off school since things have been so hard for me as of late (even before the break up), and tomorrow i start again. i am terrified, and doubtful, and feeling the pressure. it's not like last year, i can no longer afford to take time off to get myself together. this is it, i only have two more terms left and i'm petrified.

i am attempting to channel my pain into productive things, and to really buckle down and give this everything i have. i just have to make it to the end of the year.

my focus over the next few weeks is to be driven, focused, and leave partying for the weekends.
i hate that i've lost you, but i may have just found myself.

Nowhere, Nothing

excerpt i found from my english book from the beginning of 2012, a piece i wrote about my suicide attempt. i found this yesterday, a piece of writing we had to compose that depicted a "journey", and it was so hard to read. sharing it for no particular reason whatsoever.

"Nowhere, Nothing. 05/03/12.

I have a constant sickness in my stomach, and my chest feels as though there's something missing. It's a constant aching, and no amount of doctors and psychiatrists have the ability to make that go away.

Most of the time I'm told that it's not the destination that matters most, but the journey. But what if it's not a journey I want to take? What if the destination - no matter where that might be - isn't where I want to go?

I woke up in what was an obviously familiar place. It smelled of my childhood toys, dusted and forgotten. I felt comfortable though I was unable to move, I felt stuck - I was positioned on my stomach with my face in a pillow. I then realised I was in a bed - my bed. I heard my door open and the accompanying gush of air that always caused my blinds to clash against the window. I heard a familiar voice exclaim a familiar phrase, "Daisy, get up for school!"
I could hear her so clearly, her words spoke to me with such precision, clearer than I'd ever heard anything before. I was so completely aware, and yet I could not respond. After my mother repeated my name a few times - and I still failed to respond - she turned on my bedroom light and rushed over to me. She rolled my onto my side and in that instant i reaslied that the "stuck" feeling I was experiencing was due to the blood covering my entire body, that had dried, and thus bound me to my sheets. She asked me "What the fuck have you done?!" and yelled out to my brother for help, to call the ambulance, to save me from what I did not want saving from.

The rest was a blur of vomiting, needles and examinations until i woke up in the emergency ward at the local hospital. It would seem that this would be the destination my journey led me to, that sooner or later I will be be back here and will not leave. I am on a journey but I am going nowhere - I have no purpose, no need, no want or desire to be here.

The only mistake I made was not taking enough."

acrylic love

have recently discovered the joy of doing my own fake nails. my hands look so slender and beautiful with them and cutting/filing/decorating them is just so much fun! i am waiting on a few packages in the mail, some of which contain rhinestones/bows etc i can put on my nails. so excited!
here are two images from my first two attempts.

first attempt, plain black.

second attempt, hot pink with assorted embellishments and glitter.

NYE

life update

it seems things have been less chaotic lately, yet equally challenging on my stability.
my boyfriend and i have been back together for over two months now, and while things are going fantastic at this current point in time - it hasn't been easy. we have already had a few major fights and issues, though we were able to overcome them in a fashion we would never have been able to manage in the past. because of this, i am actually grateful for the turmoil he has caused within our relationship. we are much stronger now, and i could not be more pleased about that.

i have been back at school full time for about five weeks now, since the start of this term and the start of year twelve. things are proving harder than i expected, though, could i really expect anything less? i haven't attended school (properly) at all this year. just the occasional few classes before leaving anyway, and of course then there's the months on end that i rarely left the house, let alone attend school.

i have come a long way with my disorders, and while i am pleased about that i can feel myself slipping. but i now have the skills to work through it, the honeymoon phase wasn't going to last forever.
over the next few weeks/months i am going to focus on the fact that i really don't have that much longer at school, just one more year and i will be done; not to mention the fact that some of my favourite holidays are in the very near future! get out your wishlists and prepare for the flood of drunken posts & photos.

back to blonde

*QUICK APOLOGY*
over the past few weeks i have been insanely busy - i have been going out a lot, away on camp for a week, started year 12 and in general just being a lazy motherfucker when it comes to my blog. hopefully i can find some sort of motivation considering the amount of school work i have actually been doing as of late. if i can study i can blog, right?

this post should probably have come sooner as i have been back blonde for a while now, but regardless, i am actually incredibly happy with my hair for once. i have received so many compliments, and i actually feel beautiful for the first time in a long time.
i feel like myself again. (◡‿◡✿)

beach outing

went to the beach with my boyfriend yesterday, here are just a few snapshots i got. ps, i think i am finally showing how much effort i am putting into losing weight and working out/taking care of my body.