new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

organisation and the week ahead.

i bought a yearly planner a few months ago and i intend on using mine this year.
recently i have been trying to plan out my days better, but it's not going so well. i always end up staying at someone's house out of a spur-of-the-moment thing, and my plans never stick and i hate it.
i think it will be better when i start school again. speaking of which ~ i need to apply for the schools i want ASAP!! if i don't this week i am actually fucked, and my mother will send me back to banora. i cannot go back there.
there are many reasons i need to go to a new school. these include:

• i like the qld educations system a lot better and would rather finish my education in a qld school


• i need a new start, sick of people's shit and sick of being bullied


• i need to meet new people. more than anything.

when i start school again i will begin planning my days out better and writing down details of which class i have at what time, what we did so i can revise and what homework needs to be done. i will be travelling a lot to get to school so i will hopefully be able to do my homework while on busses etc.
i am excited to get organised, and all i want to do is to get good results, be a good student/better person and get my shit sorted.
i am actually quite sick of doing nothing all day, every day. i'm sick of chain-smoking, eating so much, my fucked up sleeping pattern and all the drinking and staying out.
honestly, all i want is to start school and begin saving.
i went to centrelink with my mother today, and if i move out my mother no longer gets family assistance or her healthcare card - and without the healthcare card alone she will be bankrupt from all of her heart medications that are around over $50 each. so basically i can't move out for another two years. i suppose i am ok with this, there's no way i'd leave my mum out to dry like that and i have everything i want/need at home. it's scary how crazy i get without normal broadband internet or the comfort of my own bed or even my setup in my room, it's comforting. not to mention how dependent i am on my mum.
not financially, emotionally. she's the one person i talk to about everything. besides maybe elle, but i can always tell my mother anything and know i won't be judged.

tomorrow i am working from 3pm to 8pm, and after that i am going to a gig and then elle is staying at mine after the gig. these plans are set in stone, so i guess i can write them in my planner ;-)

xoxo

re-vamping my room and motivation

i have decided to completely re-do my room this week, hopefully i have the time and the money. i mainly want to get piles and piles of my favourite images off tumblr printed, maybe down at harvey norman where they have really good quality printers. hopefully it won't be too expensive?
i also want to draw up my diet plan on a massive piece of paper and stick it on my wall so i never forget, as well as do lots of sketches of thin, beautiful women to keep me motivated.

i also really want to buy some sheer, black curtains to put in front of my blinds but i'm not sure if i'll have the money/find them easily. hmph. i might ask mum for a loan.

the main thing is that i want to put posters and pictures up all over my room, and also set up the fairy lights that i bought today.

i want my room to feel like home again.

style evaluation

conclusion - i have none.

please allow me to change everything.
lately all i have been wearing is leggings, t-shirts and jackets. with either vans or boots.

this post isn't to rant about what i wear but i'm seriously so upset that i have no specific style any more. my mother constantly tells me i have my own unique style, but doesn't everyone? mine is just a combination of everything i find appealing, and most of the time it really doesn't go together.

i'm feeling lost, with everything. the way i look is a huge part of that, it always has been.
break up with your boyfriend, shave your hair. become emotionally deranged, become a weed smoking hippy.
i don't know why i'm even feeling like this, i'm not that upset or anything but i'm just.. lost. that's the only way i can describe it. i'm not feeling like myself and i'm feeling without purpose. my purpose used to be "helping people smile" or some bullshit, my old psychologist/rape therapist wrote this on a piece of paper after i told her this a few years ago, and it's stuck up in my wardrobe. it's complete and utter nonsense now, but i couldn't just throw it away.



i'd write what it says but i'm afraid i'm not quite comfortable with doing that.

where was i going with this?
i am always happier when i've been shopping, i always feel happy when i'm shopping, or when i've dramatically done something different with my hair, or with my room. i'm actually quite superficial. unfortunately my allergies have now prevented me from wearing any eye makeup at all, maybe that's contributing to the way i feel. i feel so fucking ugly without eye makeup on, i feel bare and boring and disgusting. and a lack of money has been why i haven't been really shopping too much. more than anything i fucking want a pair of doc martens, they'd go beautifully with my leggings that i've been wearing everywhere lately and i think they would look a little nicer than my leather boots i've been wearing lately. they look good, and i still love my boots, but they're not very edgy. edge is what i'm looking for, i want to feel and look different again.







today i am wearing my "om" necklace, my velvet shirt, leggings and my boots. feeling ok with what i'm wearing but ugh. my legs still look fat in these photos but trust me, they're fatter in real life.

this weekend (saturday) i am going to the valley and the city with stormey. i want to go to the markets and just get away from tweed. i hope i don't spend too much money, the next thing i'm buying (once i have the money) is a pair of doc martens.

please, let me save money. for my docs and for my camera.

 

 

and you don't have to say it, trust me, i know how pathetic i sound.

first day of spring

three months of spring or six months of summer?
i am keen for either.

ugh, today has been shit but also wonderful.
the sun was shining and it was lovely and warm outside, i slept in till about 9 o'clock, i bought lots of lovely things and got a good lovin' from my boyfee.

last night juleyin and i went out to our favourite restaurant - the one we went to on our one year anniversary. it's in surfer's paradise and overlooks the main street and it is the best food i have ever tasted. it is italian and the pasta is made fresh every day, you wouldn't think it would make that much difference but if i could eat that pasta every day i would. and i'm not even a huge fan of pasta. it is also very open dress, like you can wear casual clothes or fancy-ish clothes and not be stared at like a retard. i always go to non-fancy restaurants and i'll be wearing a dress and heels and i'll feel so ridiculous. last night i wore a floral short-ish dress and beautiful $200 flats that give me mad blisters. by the end of the night i had taken them off. anyway - where the fuck was i going with this?

lol so we went out to dinner, then drove home and had some drinks. we were drinking my bourbon and coke, and juleyin really doesn't like bourbon but drank it anyway, i was like ugh if you don't like it don't drink it. i was pretty happy to be drunk, i really need to stop obsessively drinking i am becoming an alcoholic. even now i am dying for a drink but then i would have drank every night this past week. this saddens me, like i don't really care but juleyin does and he makes me feel so bad about it. he does have a point though, i'm fifteen. i can't believe that on random nights or during the day i'll be like "i feel like a drink" or "i need a drink". i'm too young for this shit.
vvv a photo of me at juleyin's after dinner blowing smoke rings. wish the photo turned out better.

so we slept in this morning, and got up around 9 o'clock. by the time we got to school it was after recess, i only went to two classes today - one of which i had a math exam and the other i was doing nothing. why did i even go to school? then it was time to leave again because it is sports day and i refuse to both stay at school nor partake in physical activity. it's getting really hard to leave the school now, i wish it was like it used to be when no one cared. juleyin and i went to the shops because he needed to talk to optus about his plan, and i bought a beautiful floral handbag that was on sale, i got it for $30. image featured below.

bad photo but it's so beautiful, i love it.

then we went to juleyin's and hung around there till i had to go to work. while at work i had several shitty customers, i was about to pass out the entire time and my boss kept coming in so i had to work. my allergies are also playing up. but while on my break i bought this amazing sketching book, it was $17 but well worth it - it's awesome and shows you how to draw animals, faces (and parts of faces etc), cars, dancers, flowers etc. i am so happy with it.

oh!! and also today the white stockings i ordered arrived. they are so pretty and actually quite strong so i doubt they will ladder too easily. i hope. if not they're only $10 c:
below is a photo of me wearing them, i feel like a ballerina.

nothing and everything

i realise i haven't been blogging very often as of late - mostly because i thought i had nothing to blog about.
but then there's so much that goes on in just my every day life that i don't write down, because i think it isn't relevant.
just then i realised - i don't even give a fuck.
this blog is for me and me alone, i just like when others read it. it's just my way of documenting things, letting things out and sharing with the world my interests and thoughts.

today is saturday. this morning i bleached my hair, cleaned my room really well and then met up with stormey at tweed city because she finished work at 2:30.
i actually love storme to death. all of my good friends are males and she is the only female i can actually stand, and the only one i truly enjoy hanging out with. maybe not the only one, but she is friends with my friends and enjoys doing the things i do, and she is just really cool. we both have never been to sport on thursday afternoons for school, and most of the time we just get a bus or a lift into coolangatta and storme gets new piercings. i want more piercings, so bad. but mum wouldn't let me, i haven't asked but things with us are so shit lately, she treats me like an imbecile and is hesitant of letting me go out for some reason. so i don't want to start shit when i don't have to.
i am enjoying this weekend because i have been sober and at home for the majority of it, but at the same time i hate it.
i need more motivation to do things. at least i bleached my hair today, and i only cleaned my room because mum said i had to before i went out. this week i want to go to the gym, take photos, wax my eyebrows, give myself a manicure/pedicure and stretch my right ear. i could have done all of that last night and today but i have no motivation, when i am at home i never do anything. i also think i am an alcoholic, i swear to god. i am craving a drink so badly.
i wish i could drink at home, and smoke, but i'm also glad i can't - otherwise i would probably be drunk every day.

which brings me to another topic - drugs.
i have only ever done weed and speed, and i used to be stoned alllll the time. there are huge gaps in my memory from last year because of it. i remember one holidays i was stoned every single day and after two weeks my boyfriend and i could not remember a thing.
anyway, my point is that i hate smoking weed now.
i got high at school the other week, i don't even know why i was having a cigarette and someone passed me a joint. the whole time i was just wishing i was sober, i spent most of the next period outside the classroom sleeping. i felt horrible and tired and ugh, how did i used to function while high?
i only like the thought of smoking weed, not the act itself. or if i'm about to go to sleep that's wonderful to just chill out - but i can't stand being stoned in public.

i'm not sure what the point of this post was, i just wanted an update on my life, my everything.

expressing myself, public humiliation and self confidence

as far as the "self confidence" part of the title goes, mine is non existent after today.

in english, we are studying a new topic entitled "displacement". we had to compose a creative writing piece, entailing a personal recount of an experience where we have felt displaced.

i told my story of when i ran away to brisbane when i was 13/14 years old.
i wrote:

"i was at my now-boyfriend's house in brisbane, at the start of last year.
his beautiful, perfect looking cousin walked into the kitchen, i was standing there, wearing nothing but underwear, drinking goon. he introduced himself, basically told me he'd "heard all about me" then dismissed me and told me to put some clothes on. i got dressed, and came back out.
that night, juleyin and i went to his cousin zane's house. we were not dating, just sleeping together. at zane's house were two beautiful girls waiting for us so we could go out that night. they were blonde, had beautiful clothes and makeup and were so elegant. i was standing there in ripped jeans with black spiky hair, wishing to change everything about myself.
i didn't realise it then, but i was very unhappy with the way my life was at this time.
i have since made it one of my main goals to change these aspects of mine.

unsuccessful to date, but still trying."

 

i read this to the class, because our teacher assured us that there would be no judging in the room and that it was very brave of us to present what we had written to the class.
worst. mistake.

i don't know whether it's because i'm in the top class and the closest thing these people do to breaking a law or doing something wrong is having one cruiser or something - but the looks they all gave me just chilled me to the bone.
the teacher gave me a look of complete disgust and didn't even say anything, i didn't get a thankyou for sharing like she had said to all the others, i got nothing.
ironically this made me feel even more 'displaced' and i went back to sit in my seat, alone in the front row.

i am trying to change, but i'm only really changing the physical aspects of myself.
i don't think i am ready to change my persona, for better or for worse, my psychological state is not stable enough for that at the moment.

crazy thought

i was showering tonight and a really weird scenario popped into my head.
i was thinking if i moved away, somewhere where i would never see anyone i knew again.
i was thinking that right before i left, i would fuck everyone i have ever wanted to, i would take so many drugs and i would be a complete and utter slut and ruin relationships just because i could.
then i would leave and start over and no one would know any different.

 

i have no idea where that came from. it's the best thing, to just fantasize about things you'd like to do but will probably never happen and in reality they wouldn't really work out.
i like to play things out in my head, then just imagine them.
the world inside my head is much better than this one, but i'm afraid sometimes i have difficulty distinguishing the two.

dream diary

omg so good.

ok for shits and giggles, ie no reason at all, i decided to hop on a plane to america.
the plane landed and i was in the airport in LA. next to the airport was a train station, and i was about to get on a train and go to another city but then i saw my friend blake.
he was with some friends, as he had been in america for a few weeks longer than me and they were all pretty cool. they were all male.
i told him i was thinking about going to another city and he was all "hell no, LA is where the party scene is at" but without that black tone of voice. i told him that i would stay in LA with him and that we should go out that night.
then i asked where they were staying. then they said "what, you don't sleep here, you don't live here, you just stay up all night and keep walking around with your duffel bag."

fuck i wish i could just do that.

then we met up with some other guys who had two trashy looking girls with them. i didn't like the look of them but i was happy to have some female company (that's odd, i hate women). the men then somehow stripped me so all i was wearing was a t-shirt, and started throwing me around, catching me and then throwing me to the next person. it sounds violent and despicable but it wasn't, it was all in good fun, i was just worried about my bum bum showing. then one of the guys was just carrying me, it was kinda cute. then he stroked my head and said "hey, you have real hair!" it wasn't till then that i realised i was blonde in this dream, with permanent hair extensions. they looked really good and even though you could tell my hair was dead my hair looked awesome. i can't wait to look like a barbie again.
so anyway, then i got changed into a mini, tight cheetah print dress and black heels. i looked so stereotypical slut and i don't care i looked hot. i also had lovely, smokey dark eye makeup on and omg. i would fuck me. i was also a lot skinnier than i am, and WHY CAN'T I LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE? we got to a club, and it was like a private room in the back of it, almost like an apartment. there were cute black leather couches and rest rooms and a beaded doorway that headed back out to the club.
we sat around drinking fancy, fruity drinks, and i can't remember too much except that at one stage i fell over one of the couches backwards and ended up upside down. woopsies,  i'm being mighty slutty in this dream.
then i hopped back on a plane back to australia to work one shift. (?!?!?!?!) afterwards i came home to wash my clothes and dye my regrowth before going back to america.
mum came into the bathroom while i was dying my hair and was like "oh hi sweetie! what are you doing home? how was your friends place?" and i was like "lol wtf i was overseas."
then after doing everything i needed to do i went back to the states and stayed there party-hopping for about a week.

when i am older i am going to do this for like a month i swear.

-

I am filled with rage. And hurt.
You festering cunt, the knife was blunt,
So you stuck it slower into my side.
You know nothing of the anguish I’ve endured by the stem of your greed.
Once a whore, always a whore. Your malice has no end.
I long for your demise to my very core,

I’ll express no lament for you, dear friend.

friday and friday night.

was pretty freakin' good.
didn't do all that much, but i really like simplistic things. i like shopping in the day, drinks at  night without too many dramas and then going home and sleeping in my own bed.
that's exactly what i did on friday and friday night.

ok so on friday i was meant to go to Pacific Fair with juleyin and some of our other friends. brodie couldn't come because he just got approved to move into a new house and had to sort out stuff to do with that, blake got called into work and we couldn't get a hold of ash so he didn't come.
i got dropped off at juleyin's around 11am and the car was gone and we had no idea when it would be back, so we had to catch a bus up. my hatred for public transport has increased even more. there was this white trash fuckwit couple who were screaming and swearing really loud, and they were trying to sell weed to everyone on the bus, including me and juleyin. they got off at Palm Beach, no surprise there. there was also some bogan ass lady whining on her phone crazy loud, having a sook about how she doesn't have a sook.
i can't wait until juleyin gets his car.

so we got to pac fair, and for the first part i didn't know what to buy. i looked everywhere for nice things but i didn't find much. for lunch i got a kebab, and then later i bought a "storm" ice cream from Hungry Jacks and a lemonade.
towards the end of the day i found some really lovely things, which made me so incredibly happy!
all day i had been searching for a pair of really nice high-waisted shorts. i didn't want to, but i was prepared to pay quite a bit for a nice pair. but even the most expensive ones i didn't even like.
but then at the end of the day i found the prettiest pair for $20! n_______n

i also found this cute beret for $10, i don't really need another one but i thought it would be cute and i could wear it with some of my red-ish outfits etc.  and for just if i don't feel like wearing a bandanna - seeing as i wear a different one every day.



speaking of which, i picked up two bandanna's, $5 each ^-^ i got a pink one and a green one.

then i went on a sticker-frenzy. OH. MY GOD.
stickers are the best thing in my life i swear to god, i love them more than life and they are making my journal so pretty. i'm putting stickers on like every page/entry now, just to make it prettier. i'm pretty devastated that i left my drama book at school over the holidays because  i need to do that book up as well, and i need to write down reflections etc. OH WELL. my drama teacher can bite me, i hate her.
the stickers that i bought were: a sheet of tiny ant stickers ~ which i thought was adorable,  a sheet of cutesy cartoon glitter birds, a sheet of glittery unicorns, a sheet of glittery hippos that say "hip hip hooray!", a sheet of the cutest moo cows ever, a sheet of hard, plastic glittery flowers and a sheet of normal flower stickers just like the hard plastic ones.

i also bought a big tub of foam puppy stickers for $2. there's millions i swear, and they're all different colours. they're foam cut-outs of different types of puppies, bones, and big things that say "WOOF".




the only other thing i bought was this environmental arm-band. it was $2 and it had silhouettes of naked women on it. and it was promoting recycling. of course i bought it.



i am bursting with joy due to my new stickers. i also have all the others i bought the other day.
n____________________________________________n

i think that was all that i bought, i somehow ended up spending $70.
but i'm ok with that, i got plenty of nice stuff for myself and i am so happy as a result.

then after we came back from pac fair we went to juleyin's. it was raining so we got pretty wet, which sucked.
then andy picked me up and we drove out to billy's in cabarita. the car was full ~ black dylan was in the front and jazi, hannah and i were squished in the back. i'd never met hannah before but she was so cool, we became pretty good friends by the end of the night.
we finally got to billy's and for the first part of the night i was really depressed. i don't even know why. i had a few drinks but i was nowhere near drunk, and for the first hour or so that we were there i was just sitting on the couch, smoking or writing in my journal, lamely enough.
then andy kept making me drinks because he felt really bad that i was so upset, and he knows when i drink i just dance around haha. so then i got pretty drunk and i was dancing and it was all really lovely.
then hannah got really sick, and i had been sticking with her all night. she was really smashed and i kept her with me at all times so she didn't get with someone gross or do something stupid.
but yeah, i found her in the bathroom and she said she thought she was going to be sick. i got her over to the toilet and she threw up. she's such a good girl, she threw up tonnes and only missed the toilet once. but she even cleaned it up herself, i told her i'd do it for her.
then i called her mum and got her to come get her. then a few other people came around.
after about 10 o'clock juleyin arrived and said hi to everyone, then he took me and dylan home and juleyin stayed over at mine.
i was well sober by then so that was good, i got to brush my teeth and take my makeup off and get into my pajamas, instead of just passing out in my bed. juleyin also slept in my room, which is a rare thing for mum to let us do :)

entry #2

you're still numero two.

MONDAY.
first day at school in like literally a week. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i have to complete a history assignment and a "prejudice" story by the end of the term, fairly sure. i really need to talk to my teachers about those.
but school isn't important. not to me at the moment, anyway.
two weeks holidays after this week - fuck yes.
i want to go away with juleyin in the holidays. maybe go and stay in brisbane at zanes.

[[[[[PERSONAL SHIT I CAN'T POST ON MY BLOG]]]]]

i really want to stay at his with juleyin for a few days and we can all party together in brisbane.
i think it would be mad and exactly the kind of thing i need.
zane must feel so good about himself, knowing everyone wants him.. can't imagine what that would be like.

journal

is finally finished. thank god, i hate un-personalised things.
this is what it looks like.

finished journal. with Marilyn Manson lyrics and tonnes of stickers, i'm happy.

i'm very happy i've started using a journal again, i need something that i can write in that i don't post online. there's so many thoughts that i have that i could never post, too many people would be hurt, too much shit would be caused.

i'm still going to post the entries from this journal onto my blog, but leave out the really personal things. because this journal is actually just an A5 visual art diary i can also draw in it. i'm also collecting lots of cool stickers to fill it with, stickers are actually the best thing in the world to me.
but yeah, because it's a visual art diary i also use it to draw my tattoo designs. i can't draw so they're not too good, but when i finish some i'll take photos and post them.

today for this journal i bought some really cute fairy stickers, one of which is on the front and there was also lots of cute flowers and fairy wands on the sheet, so now i have some of them too. i also bought some rhinestones that i was going to put on the front but i was sadly disappointed, they were iron-on rhinestones. so i'm going to use them on the denim vest i'm currently personalising and on some other clothes i want to do up. but the thing is, they didn't come with any instructions and i'm not sure whether i just iron them on like normal iron-on patches or...? if someone could comment with any advice i'd greatly appreciate it!
i also bought some cute pink muffin stickers, they're meant to be put on the walls but they work just as well on books etc.
n__________n
then mummy bought me the new, good coloured pencils i want and a cute pink pencil case. this is for my tattoo designs, they're going to be very colourful and i need good pencils to illustrate this.
i am VERY pleased with the things i have bought today. means i get to cross lots of things off my list down there VVVV.

~irrelevant small things~ i need to buy.

there are a lot of things that i really want and need to make me content right now.

i need some things to do up my journal, so far this is what it looks like.

haha, the stickers on the top say "MOTHER CUNTING TIT FUCK"

vans sticker and one that says "hardcore" aha

"stoner boner"
lettered stickers are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

so anyway, that's how it's going. but i need to buy:
- silver rhinestones to put the word CUNT in the middle
- pink muffin decal stickers to go above the rhinestones
- other cool stickers online to fill the book with. c:

i actually love stickers that much, i feel like a little kid playing and it makes me so happy, they make my st00f look cool.

i also need/want to buy~:
- creepers. i forgot how fucking cool they are and i want cool shoes to wear when i like go out etc. my vans will always be day-to-day shoes but i want something to wear when i go out shopping somewhere out of tweed or something.

-  team sheen shirt. to be blunt, i fucking love charlie sheen and i need a shirt soooooooo badly. srs. i need one.

- a good belt that can attach belt buckles. i have found so many cool belt buckles, thing is ~ i don't have a belt that can change buckles lol. as a matter of fact i don't have any good belts at all at the moment, my friend borrowed mine and i never got it back.

- septum ring. the one that i have now used to be a beautiful metallic navy blue, now it's faded to a gross metal colour, it's not even silver it's just a weird faded colour. i'm going to just buy a nice silver one this time.

- iron-on patches. i bought a really cute button up tee for three dollars, but it's a plain pale blue because it was for children's school uniforms and i want to cover it with cute iron-on patches and do it up. i think it could look nice. i also want to use them on a denim jacket.

- monte marte 24 pack of coloured pencils. we have them at work for $10-something and i get a 20% discount. i need good colours to work on my tat designs, and i don't really have any good quality ones anymore.

- pencil case. i also need something nice and cute to hold all my coloured stuff, my everyday pencil case just has pens etc in it and it's tiny.

- more skin coloured stockings. mine all have ladders and look ridiculous.

- denim-patterned vans. super cute. something to wear with dresses. this isn't a very high priority on this list.

- denim jacket. sorry for being such a "trend follower", i need one to cover in buttons, iron-on patches and other cool shit.

entry #1

i'm over this fucking shitcunt town. and truth betold i'm over my friend circle too. everyone's a mess, i'm a mess. everyone likes to pick on people for the sake of it, and then if someone stands up for them, they pounce on you.
people suck, school sucks, i'm miserable.
i bought my laptop 3 days ago, i couldn't be happier it's the biggest reward for saving half my money. there's a million things i need to do, i'm all over the place. but at least school will be over in a few days. couldn't be happier about that.