back to blonde

*QUICK APOLOGY*
over the past few weeks i have been insanely busy - i have been going out a lot, away on camp for a week, started year 12 and in general just being a lazy motherfucker when it comes to my blog. hopefully i can find some sort of motivation considering the amount of school work i have actually been doing as of late. if i can study i can blog, right?

this post should probably have come sooner as i have been back blonde for a while now, but regardless, i am actually incredibly happy with my hair for once. i have received so many compliments, and i actually feel beautiful for the first time in a long time.
i feel like myself again. (◡‿◡✿)

back on track

i have been meaning to post lately, (i have a few new things to show you guys), but unfortunately lately i have been feeling too insecure with my weight and appearance to be able to take photos, and hence, upload them.

this post is about my health/weight loss and my skincare.
honestly, i am loving the winter weather. i have very sensitive skin and the cooler weather has begun to dry my skin out, this is why i have started moisturising (with either my mango body butter from the body shop or a watermelon infused body lotion from fiji) every day/night after i shower. my skin is feeling wonderful, and i have actually received compliments on my skin since i have started doing this. it's a wonderful confidence boost.
my skin (on my face) has also been going very well. i have been moisturising like crazy on my face also due to the weather, and i have not had a single spot in weeks. for once i am very specific and careful to take my makeup off and clean my piercings before bed, no matter where i am. every night i use a special eye-makeup remover (for my sensitive eyes), then a neutrogena face scrub - and wipe off/gently massage with a warm face washer. i then use rose-hip oil (2-3 drops on a wet palm and rub together) all over my face and neck, followed by an organic rose hip moisturiser. i also use a hydrating face mask every 1-2 weeks.




webcam quality, (obviously no make up).
looking rather sullen & ill, but i think my skin looks fabulous.




image #1 - progress photo of my thighs, image #2 - cigarettes and mother energy drink (what i seem to be living off lately), image #3 - writing in bed cuddling my puppy, she makes everything better.

eating and exercising (over the past week or so) has been pretty topsy turvy. one day i am doing wonderful and the next i binge. i have done extremely well the past three days and i am high as a kite, must remember this feeling to keep me focussed.
i don't have much to say as far as my weight issues go because i am far too insecure about it. but anyway, there is a photo.

update and progress

single again, but this time it feels right.
i am hurt, zacc is a wonderful person and i will miss him, but i am hoping we can remain friends. i am mostly excited to start spending some energy and much-needed time on myself. hopefully i can get back into my exercise regime, though i somehow doubt it. i will try and go for a walk/run this afternoon.
eating is not going so good, must work on that and work hard. i keep failing every day.

as far as school work goes, i am pretty content! i have finished all due assignments and i am trying to work out a frequent study routine. so far working out very well!
pleased to say i am also getting back into old hobbies as a result of my new organised lifestyle - i am getting back into knitting! it calms the fuck out of me and is a great way to keep myself distracted and off bad thoughts. i am also altering/making my own clothes again which really does make me happy.

as far as my appearance goes i am both pleased and excited. i have been feeling almost attractive lately with new make-up and a hair cut. over the course of the next few months i am hoping to have better skin (the cooler weather is really drying mine out), more piercings and healthier, longer hair. every time i wash my hair i treat it and use morrocaniol, i am moisturising twice daily and use a face mask every so often as well to keep my skin hydrated. hopefully it pays off.

i am devoting the remainder of the week to myself, my happiness and my appearance. want to exercise more, wax my eyebrows and use a face mask, dye my hair and on the weekend i want to go out and just have fun - without the need for alcohol.

wish me luck petals x

casual gathering

on the weekend i attended a gathering at my friend's house. luckily he lives in the next street from me, so getting home etc wasn't really an issue. things got a little out of hand unfortunately, i drank far too much and broke my streak of no drugs. messy messy. none the less, i had a quite pleasant night and rather enjoyed myself.

i have decided not to drink for a while though, my liver already has permanent damage done to it and i have been drinking at least once a week even since i got out of hospital for liver problems. i really need to start taking care of myself. i have also recently discovered there are very few foods i can eat - lately i have felt awfully sick after eating/drinking dairy products and i feel so sick if i have carbohydrates or anything that tends to expand in your stomach (breads etc). i have stopped eating fast food/crap and i've been drinking a lot more water. feel so clean.

anyway, here's some photos from the party. :-)

i love meg! (Kind of Lovely)

bits and pieces

today is ANZAC day. this doesn't hold much relevance to me, i am thankful and all that but my family doesn't really do anything special to celebrate. this morning we went for brunch at my nan & pop's house, it was nice and i am happy because i didn't eat a single thing.
afterwards we came home and then went off to the shops because i needed a few things - i am off to biology camp tomorrow morning and would not have gotten another chance. i bought a new memory card for my digital camera so i can take it to camp with me, comfy underwear, new foundation and lip gloss, slippers and the cutest white beanie.
a lot of these items weren't even for camp but i just couldn't resist. it was just my mother and i when we bought these too, i love spending time with her.

i was looking forward to camp but now i am uncertain. i have been feeling plain horrible today with no reason why. i had an awful dream, which didn't start the day off well, and i have had excruciating pains in my stomach for days now. i also had to take painkillers this morning, which did not sit well with me. i hate pain medication after all it put my body through.

anyway, because of camp i won't be updating for a few days, but (if i get service out there) i will be posting on twitter, which you can follow here if you'd like :-)



beanie!



smile smile, medusa wants to hide behind septum



new foundation and lip gloss :-)

new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

exercise entry/healthy bodies!

i feel so clean, i feel amazing.
i have been trying to cut down to 500 calories a day - it hasn't been going too well but not for lack of trying. my eating habits are getting a lot better and starting today am going to return to the gym as frequently as possible.

today i ate:
breakfast ~ nothing
lunch ~ "mini curry rice bowl" from top noodle
dinner ~ crumbed chicken breast, mashed potato and salad

as far as exercise goes:
i went to the gym and did ab exercises, running on the treadmill, cycling and rowing.
ab exercises:
~ hold body up for 1 minute (works your core)
~ 40 regular sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 10 side-to-side sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 20 leg raises.

treadmill:
distance covered ~ 2.92 kms
time spent ~ 31 minutes
calories burned ~ 132

exercise bike:
distance covered ~ 6.85 kms
time spent ~ 22.5 mins
calories burned ~ 100

rowing machine:
distance covered ~ 520 metres
time spent ~ 3.2 minutes lol (this was cut short as we had to leave the gym).
calories burned ~ 26

 

i have also successfully quit marijuana. one day i will try and quit cigarettes, but for the moment, i couldn't feel cleaner.

The ABC Diet - Ana Boot Camp

admittedly the title scares me a little - i do not have an eating disorder. i just hate my body with a burning passion and this has proved successful. i'm not sure if i'm even following it correctly, i'm just not eating.

the ABC diet is a 50-day diet which tricks your body into thinking it's going into starvation mode. each day you have a certain amount of calories you can have, ranging from 50 to 800. there are also  six "fasting" days where you consume 0 calories.

i have read that after the 50 days a lot of peple put on all of the weight again, but i'm just going to stick to it, or stick to eating the bare minimum. you don't lose weight and then expect to keep it off when you're not working for it.

i started this diet yesterday, the 16th of December, 2011.
my limit for yesterday was 500 calories ~ i consumed 501 in total and i didn't eat a single thing, just coffee and a low fat smoothie.

i also get the shakes if i don't eat (because my body sugar gets low very easily) so i also bought some barley sugar lollies, which are about 20 calories each and they stop me from shaking when i haven't eaten.

 

the 50 day calorie plan goes ~

Day 1- 500 calories

Day 2- 500 calories

Day 3- 300 calories

Day 4- 400 calories

Day 5- 100 calories

Day 6- 200 calories

Day 7- 300 calories

Day 8- 400 calories

Day 9- 500 calories

Day 10- FAST

Day 11- 150 calories

Day 12- 200 calories

Day 13- 400 calories

Day 14- 350 calories

Day 15- 250 calories

Day 16- 200 calories

Day 17- FAST

Day 18- 200 calories

Day 19- 100 calories

Day 20- FAST

Day 21- 300 calories

Day 22- 250 calories

Day 23- 200 calories

Day 24- 150 calories

Day 25- 100 calories

Day 26- 50 calories

Day 27- 100 calories

Day 28- 200 calories

Day 29- 200 calories

Day 30- 300 calories

Day 31- 800 calories

Day 32- FAST

Day 33- 250 calories

Day 34- 350 calories

Day 35- 450 calories

Day 36- FAST

Day 37- 300 calories

Day 38- 450 calories

Day 39- 400 calories

Day 40- 350 calories

Day 41- 300 calories

Day 42- 250 calories

Day 43- 200 calories

Day 44- 200 calories

Day 45- 250 calories

Day 46- 200 calories

Day 47- 300 calories

Day 48- 200 calories

Day 49- 150 calories

Day 50- FAST

Slowly return to a normal diet.

 

i have also realised that my first fasting day is Christmas Day. that won't happen in any way shape or form so i am going to fast for two days afterwards (or as long as i can) and then re-start my diet where i left off.

brisbane trips

yesterday (friday the 16th) juleyin, brodie and i went to brisbane for the day. it wasn't as good as i had hoped, like it didn't really live up to the days i used to spend in the city, but it was still lovely and much better than being in tweed for the day. i think it wasn't as fun for me because i didn't have a girlfriend with me and i started my diet and was upset.

i had a bit of money to spend, and i didn't really spend that much so that made me happy.
i bought some makeup and makeup brushes,  a shirt, a $50 gift card for a christmas present and a cute canteen water bottle from sportsgirl.



brodie and i in the city <3 i love him.

 



what i bought, excluding the shirt.

 



said shirt.

depression/weight loss issues

i am just miserable, all the time.
and it's not even like i'm doing anything about it. one day i'll feel wonderful because i won't eat much or i'll eat healthily and the next day i'll get high and eat my body weight in fucking chocolate.

my depression also seems to be back and i've lost all motivation and i've lost everything that made me happy.
work has also been terrible lately and i've been having the worst few days of my life. the other night juleyin and i went out for dinner to try to cheer me up, i still felt horrible. i was quiet and upset the whole night, then when we got home (to juleyin's) he had a massive go at me for "treating him like shit", when i was just quiet because i was so sad.
he ended up getting high and i got drunk, still didn't help.
the past day or so have been a little better, but still quite awful.

yesterday juleyin took me on a surprise picnic because we had to cancel our shopping plans, and i hadn't eaten all day and i was feeling so wonderful and skinny. it was about 2:30pm and i ate a lot of brie and stuffed peppers on crackers. it wasn't even that bad because it was all 50% reduced fat but fuck, immediately afterwards i thought to myself "how great would i feel right now if instead i just drank a whole bottle of water".

i am also hypo-glycemic which is the reason why i get the shakes if i haven't eaten or if i have too much coffee and don't eat. so i was thinking i could buy some barley-sugar lollies to suck on. i'm not concerned about the sugar in them, in fact that's why i need them. to keep my blood sugar level up without having to eat. i'm excited to try this theory out, i'll buy some tomorrow and not eat all day and see if i get the shakes. tomorrow i am going to brisbane so that will be good. i will get a bubble tea for lunch because they fill me up anyway.

i am writing this post from home, i have been working all day and got home an hour or so. today was the longest shift i've ever worked, i just realised. i'm glad i working all day thursday instead of thursday night.

today i have eaten: a steak burger my mother gave me for lunch. i'm sort of happy with that, i wish i had eaten some nuts or an apple or something but my mother made it for me and i couldn't just like, throw it out. i think dinner is soon, i will just aim to eat as slow as possible. i.e. not much.

after work today i got changed because i wanted to do some shopping, and then realised i hadn't been paid. i got all dressed up for nothing.



taken when i got home, i was wearing an oversized, long-sleeve black shirt and stockings, as well as my platform sneakers. the whole five minutes i was out wearing this i could just feel everyone's eyes burning holes in my thighs. i was just thinking how good this would look on a skinny person.



as you've probably realised, i have a new thing for black and white photos.



i just think i look nice in this one.

back to black :-)

very happy with it! my hair also feels really fucking healthy after i dyed it, for some unknown reason.
here's some pictures i promised.









i really am happy with how it turned out :-) i've also decided to start wearing all black again, for a while i didn't ~ don't know why i was changing myself but i feel a lot more comfortable like this and even though i don't feel like i look pretty to the strangers eye, i feel good within myself, i feel more like myself.
below is a photo of what i wore today, my boyfriend and i were meant to shopping but he got called into work so we just went for a picnic.





we just went to a little spot by the river in kingscliff, and got lost on the way home. i don't really like kingscliff that much, the only other time i've really been there i was with my ex boyfriend, and he left me in the middle of the town with no money and no idea where i was. plus i was 13 and barely ever caught busses so i didn't know what to do.

 

hair - update and plans

tonight i dyed my hair all black again. it's getting a bit healthier, (slowly), but i'm happy with it as it's grown a fair amount.

i really want to stay dark for as long as possible. i'm sure my hair will thank me in the long run and i look so much better with dark hair! i want to order some new, longer extensions as soon as i have the money to, and hopefully that's in the near future. the only thing i don't like about my hair at the moment is how short my fringe is and how my extensions are so thin and short. i'm way too excited for new ones.

i'm rather proud of myself for leaving my hair alone for as long as i have. i've gone at least two months without dying (bleaching) my hair, the only thing i've been doing is re-dying the green that was in it and re-dying the black because it fades so quickly on my dead hair.
though, for the past few weeks i haven't even been bothered about doing the green, it's just been some shitty ugly grey colour. (grey sounds nice but this was just weird). so lately i've just been washing it, treating it and then putting a leave-in treatment in as well as using argon oil on my ends, which has helped so much!!!

there's seriously nothing i love more than hair treatments and face masks and manicures/pedicures, i'm such a girly girl and i love it. i love being pampered, one day i want someone to take me to a spa or something where i can feel wonderful all day.



my routine for my hair every three days or so ~ shampoo & conditioner for my damaged hair, protein treatment that i leave in for around 15 minutes, then after i rinse that out a leave-in, creamy treatment; and then when my hair is almost dry i put the argon oil treatment all over my ends, which really helps. sometimes if i use too much my hair can feel greasy but at least it's getting healthier n_n

wish me luck on letting my hair grow and stay healthy !
i'll post some photos in the morning of my new hair.

xoxo~ ☯☯☯

luke's 18th

just a little gathering at my friend luke's house, we used to be a lot closer than we are now, sort of miss him. conveniently he lives literally in the next street from me, so i could walk home for work the next day. this was saturday night.

i also saw meg there (http://kindoflovely.com) and we had some good chats, as well as rhiannon and i, whom i haven't seen in quite a while. i had a few drinks, and didn't stay for that long. i would have loved to stay all night and get really drunk but i had work the next day, sucks.



before leaving to go to the party, i wore high-waisted jeans with a floral lace shirt and a beautiful, daggy comfy jacket. idek why i just love that jacket. oh and my favourite pointy shoes :-)



a compilation of photos off my phone of me and todd... he drunkenly confessed to me that at one stage he liked me and kept making dirty jokes and hitting on me. i love todd but that kinda crossed the line for me.



selfies in the bathroom (idek)??



made up with storme as well obvs



took this upon arriving home. lol drunk lol

goals for the remainder of the year

the main connotation for this is to be more productive.
there are 48 days left of the year and i plan to make them count.

my first step ~

•  working more and getting fit.
  it's become abundantly clear to me that i have gained a substantial amount of weight. i now have a mass of 54 kilograms (kgs) or 119 pounds (lbs). how fucking disgusting is that. i used to weigh around 50kgs, which is still more than i'd like but i stayed that weight for a very long time, and it's not as if i'm still growing. i will be this height for the rest of my life, most likely. i always have this thing where i will stick to my diet and get all happy for a week or so and then i will relapse and binge and binge and binge. i have trained my stomach in the opposite way. i have been eating far more than i need to and now i get hungry and i get the shakes really easily, even if it's only been a few hours since i've eaten.
  my goal for the remainder of the year is to not eat less, but just eat healthy. and to get back into my regime at the gym. i want to go three times a week at least.
  i also want to begin working more. i only get two shifts a week and i have been telling my boss for weeks that i will be free and he almost refuses to give me extra shifts. i am going to go into work tomorrow and talk to the other manager who does the rosters and ask her for extra shifts. if a few weeks go by and i still haven't picked up extra work i will start applying at different places to perhaps start working a second job. i need more money and i need a reason to not sit at home every day doing nothing, because unless i have to get up early or do something with the day - i won't.
  ~


• saving more and spending my money more appropriately.
  like fuck, i'm sick of spending all my money from that week and and everything i saved from the week before. maybe i should just stay home when i'm not going to the gym or doing something productive like seeing friends or going out to buy a specific thing.
  there are so many things that i want and i need a lot of money for them, (most of them are online) and i spend so much money in real life on things that i really don't need. my only exception on buying things in real life is clothes. because i really need a new summer wardrobe and new clothes are cleansing and invigorating.
  so i really want to start spending less money, or mainly, stop going out as much on shopping days because i spend a shit load of money on food that i don't need and makes me fat, and i'm encouraged to buy shit i don't need. if it's not clothing or something cheap, i must not buy it.
  ~


•  lastly, motivation itself.
  there are so many things i want to do. and want to get back into. these include my art, making clothes, knitting and i really fucking want to re-arrange my room and set up a shrine-type thing, i have everything i need but i just can't be bothered to do it. i also need to do a big spring clean and throw out loads of old clothes.

friday the 21st of october and saturday the 22nd.

yesterday was so good man. like, on so many levels.

on thursday night i had work, so afterwards juleyin picked me up and stayed at mine that night. on friday morning we got up and i cleaned the bathroom (like scrubbed it) and juleyin helped me tidy the rest of the house, sort of.

by the time we left it was like 12:30-1pm.
juleyin had to get a refund on his computer so we went there and while juleyin was arguing with the sales assistant i took a nice rest on a comfy chair.
then after harvey norman i went to a fabric shop :-)
i told juleyin if i have to deal with his boring shit he has to deal with mine. side note: there is a new "lincraft" opening at tweed mall soon, i am so excited i love anything to do with art and craft and i particularly love scrap-booking. i really need to get back into it.
while i was at the fabric store i picked up 62cm of studs on mesh, (i will write a separate post a bit later once the garment i'm making is finished), some lace trim for the neckline of this beautiful velvet dress i have, and i also got a lovely cross necklace. we were in there for at least 40 minutes and i have never felt more at home. i just can't wait for my final assessment to be over (it will be over by the end of this friday), and then i can focus a bit more on my sewing, my art and my blogging.

then we headed back to juleyin's and slept for about an hour and a half while we were waiting for elle to come into town. she called me a little later and told me she was there so we went and picked her up and went to kirra hill to start the bbq.



elle and i waiting for the others lol



me looking emo with a smoke and the pretty view behind me

~lots of pointless events happened~
oh and elle and i wrote a rap, it's mad. we are going to sing it when we audition for australia's got talent.

the bbq was good, no one was even drinking we were just eating yummy food, cracking jokes and lighting shit on fire. my kind of chilled hang between friends.

after the bbq we went back to jazmine and joel's house. ellen got food poisoning so we took her home, and that meant that i wasn't staying at her house.
jazmine went to bed inside pretty early, i think she was mad that we were all making noise because she had work the next day. i felt bad but she was inside and that was probably the best thing for her to sleep i guess.

as the night wore on it got to fewer and fewer of us and in the end it was me, joel, juleyin and zane. we did all kinds of random fucked up shit, mostly watching youtube videos and making jokes and taking shots.



lol joel putting eyeliner on and myself teasing my hair



the end result...

we also got tonnes of funny photos on joel's nikon, i hope he will upload them or give them to me sometime soon.
we have never really hung out before that night, he is quite a cool, chilled guy. and he kept calling me "effy" because apparently i'm awesome and up for anything. i feel so good about myself when people tell me i'm fun.

we also went on a massive adventure and did random shit like put those orange cones on the top of street signs...
i also lost my phone in a massive drain tunnel and it took us about an hour of retracing our steps to find it again. i was fucking freaking out man.

then when we got home joel and i smoked some hash and everyone else was just chilling. we were looking at the lazers and smoke machine for ages and i felt like i was one with the earth or some bullshit, i have not smoked weed in a very long time and i'm glad it wasn't a bad experience.

we all woke up between 8am and 9am, when we went to bed at around 5am. we jumped in the pool to get over our hangovers and it was the best decision of my entire life.

 



here is just a random photo of like my arm. idek i really like this photo for some reason.

huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.

loving my hair at the moment, but of course i'm still not happy.

it's a lovely bright blue at the top, then fades to blonde at the bottom. so like opposite dip-dye.
going blonde again re-affirmed what everyone has always said and what i knew all along, i look way better with dark hair and being blonde washes me out. i look good with colours, though, which is why i'm blue at the moment. i'm really quite glad work doesn't seem to mind.

by the formal i want to have blue hair on one half and black on the other. i will start by getting some foils through my hair and my extensions :-)

i don't want to go fully dark straight away, or even half, because when you have black/dark brown hair after having bleached it so many times you can really see the dead ends, and all the little splits in each hair. it sucks. so i will keep treating it for ages (which reminds me i need to buy more treatment mask).
in a couple of weeks i will ask mum to take me to the salon. i don't know if i'll have much money to put towards it but i will try.
oh i love my mum and i don't even care i love that i live at home.

so yes, in a few weeks i'll get the black foils in the left side of my hair. the left side, because, it's a lot less dead and i like the blue on my right side. having a straight fringe will also make this look extra nice. i love symmetry. having permanent extensions would also be beneficial so i could part it down the back without seeing my clips, but i'll just have to deal with that.

in a few months or whatever i will have all black hair, and get permanent extensions because regrowth won't be a bitch like it would be with bleached hair.

i am excited to have dark hair again, it really compliments my face and makes me all pretty. only shit thing is that it's so boring and i just know after a few months of being dark again i'll be like "i miss being blonde i look so pretty blonde and it's not boring blah blah blah i'm going to bleach and kill my hair again now heheheh bye". that's actually what happened before i went light again this time -___-
i just hope before i do that again i come here and remind myself how i always regret it.

actually i always regret everything i do with my hair, in the long run. at least i seem to pull off everything i come up with.

i need someone new in my life

i am completely alone in the world.

my boyfriend is here but it doesn't feel like it, he has become so selfish and we never seem happy any more, we spend time together and i'll just be angry or he'll be rude and i'll cry but won't let him see because i'm too proud.

i suppose if he was gone things would be a lot worse

i just want someone to spend time with and take photos with and go shopping with and help me dye my hair and wax my bikini line for me and all the wonderful things girls like me do

hair, of course

i am quite pissed off, to be honest. i'm pissed off at myself for never being happy with my hair, i wish i could just leave it alone, leave it black, but i just get too bored. the worst part is that it actually looks a lot better dark.
but blonde is fun, keeps me entertained and i think it looks alright, it will look better once i've gotten rid of the few orange bits at the back of my hair.
i want to buy some silver toner to put through it as well, i want to eventually get it silvery white, it will make it nice and even if it does wash out my face (being blonde that is) it won't matter because my hair will be a beautiful amazing colour. but it's weird you know, like everyone says it doesn't suit me because i'm so pale, but people like sophie suit being blonde - even white, and their skin is a lot paler than mine.
i don't even care really, it looks alright and i'm happy, my opinion is the only one that matters right?
here's some photos.



on friday night i /poorly/ learned to play guitar. bitches love guitars.





^ a photo of me on saturday morning, juleyin and i went to brunch with my whole family, this was in the car after we were leaving.



haha, we're cute. before i went to a "battle of the bands" on saturday night.

 

i think that once i get the orange bits to fuck off out of my hair, when i tone it and treat it i am going to mix a little bit of blue into the mixture. just a little. i still have basically a full tub from my birthday at the start of the year, and it would be good to just have a tiny hint. just enough that it's noticeable but not so much that i actually have blue hair. i think it will turn out good. i hope so. i might do it in a week or so, i just have to wait a while before i can bleach away the orange parts.

style evaluation

conclusion - i have none.

please allow me to change everything.
lately all i have been wearing is leggings, t-shirts and jackets. with either vans or boots.

this post isn't to rant about what i wear but i'm seriously so upset that i have no specific style any more. my mother constantly tells me i have my own unique style, but doesn't everyone? mine is just a combination of everything i find appealing, and most of the time it really doesn't go together.

i'm feeling lost, with everything. the way i look is a huge part of that, it always has been.
break up with your boyfriend, shave your hair. become emotionally deranged, become a weed smoking hippy.
i don't know why i'm even feeling like this, i'm not that upset or anything but i'm just.. lost. that's the only way i can describe it. i'm not feeling like myself and i'm feeling without purpose. my purpose used to be "helping people smile" or some bullshit, my old psychologist/rape therapist wrote this on a piece of paper after i told her this a few years ago, and it's stuck up in my wardrobe. it's complete and utter nonsense now, but i couldn't just throw it away.



i'd write what it says but i'm afraid i'm not quite comfortable with doing that.

where was i going with this?
i am always happier when i've been shopping, i always feel happy when i'm shopping, or when i've dramatically done something different with my hair, or with my room. i'm actually quite superficial. unfortunately my allergies have now prevented me from wearing any eye makeup at all, maybe that's contributing to the way i feel. i feel so fucking ugly without eye makeup on, i feel bare and boring and disgusting. and a lack of money has been why i haven't been really shopping too much. more than anything i fucking want a pair of doc martens, they'd go beautifully with my leggings that i've been wearing everywhere lately and i think they would look a little nicer than my leather boots i've been wearing lately. they look good, and i still love my boots, but they're not very edgy. edge is what i'm looking for, i want to feel and look different again.







today i am wearing my "om" necklace, my velvet shirt, leggings and my boots. feeling ok with what i'm wearing but ugh. my legs still look fat in these photos but trust me, they're fatter in real life.

this weekend (saturday) i am going to the valley and the city with stormey. i want to go to the markets and just get away from tweed. i hope i don't spend too much money, the next thing i'm buying (once i have the money) is a pair of doc martens.

please, let me save money. for my docs and for my camera.

 

 

and you don't have to say it, trust me, i know how pathetic i sound.