i am losing patience

i am losing focus, i am losing reason to be here.
i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to feel this way.

i'm barely even alive anymore.

work is fucking horrible, every time i find someone who i feel appreciates my company i get spat on the face, and the last thing i ever want to do is be sober. someone take me away, someone give me something new, something exciting, something to make me feel like my time here is worthwhile.
i feel like if i get away, even for a few days, that things will somehow be better when i return. but that happens every time, and everything stays the same.

journal

is finally finished. thank god, i hate un-personalised things.
this is what it looks like.

finished journal. with Marilyn Manson lyrics and tonnes of stickers, i'm happy.

i'm very happy i've started using a journal again, i need something that i can write in that i don't post online. there's so many thoughts that i have that i could never post, too many people would be hurt, too much shit would be caused.

i'm still going to post the entries from this journal onto my blog, but leave out the really personal things. because this journal is actually just an A5 visual art diary i can also draw in it. i'm also collecting lots of cool stickers to fill it with, stickers are actually the best thing in the world to me.
but yeah, because it's a visual art diary i also use it to draw my tattoo designs. i can't draw so they're not too good, but when i finish some i'll take photos and post them.

today for this journal i bought some really cute fairy stickers, one of which is on the front and there was also lots of cute flowers and fairy wands on the sheet, so now i have some of them too. i also bought some rhinestones that i was going to put on the front but i was sadly disappointed, they were iron-on rhinestones. so i'm going to use them on the denim vest i'm currently personalising and on some other clothes i want to do up. but the thing is, they didn't come with any instructions and i'm not sure whether i just iron them on like normal iron-on patches or...? if someone could comment with any advice i'd greatly appreciate it!
i also bought some cute pink muffin stickers, they're meant to be put on the walls but they work just as well on books etc.
n__________n
then mummy bought me the new, good coloured pencils i want and a cute pink pencil case. this is for my tattoo designs, they're going to be very colourful and i need good pencils to illustrate this.
i am VERY pleased with the things i have bought today. means i get to cross lots of things off my list down there VVVV.