the future.

i've been thinking about moving out a lot lately. mostly about what i have to do in preparation for when i do move out. this includes:
~ buying new furniture and re-doing my room (new wardrobe, new bed & sheets etc, duchess/dressing table)
~ start saving so i have some extra cash when i move out
~ buy my camera and all the other things i'm saving for beforehand, because i won't be able to save much if i'm living out of home.

i was talking to my mother, and she made it clear to me that i will be living in this house until i move out. i had expected that as a family we would be moving soon, but then i realised that was counter-productive. then when i moved out my mother would have to move again, to get a smaller place.
so i have begun preparing. i am going to start by saving for my camera and furniture simultaneously, mainly because i can't decide which i need/want more.  i will be getting a bit of cash for my birthday which should help with my saving, (as long as i don't spend too much of it on shopping and my party). i'm also slowly getting rid of all the useless crap i have floating throughout my room. this not only includes old clothing and shoes etc that i no longer want, but also schooling stuff, and childhood memorabilia that i really must work up the courage to give away, or if i can't - pack it into some boxes and store it away.
i'm so incredibly happy after christmas, i have everything i need to be happy and continue living my life the way i want to. i have my doc martens (which i feel so comfortable in, and they're fantastic for all the hiking i end up doing at parties etc), my new gorgeous studded handbag (which can fit everything in it not to mention how in love i am with it), and i have new underwear and bras which i desperately needed.
this year will be a new beginning for me, i am going to focus more on myself and less on destroying myself. i want to focus on my art, my health and a healthy way of losing weight, saving and getting back in touch with myself.

i'm far too excited.

 

bringing in the new year

i had a wonderful night. i went to a party at one of my close friend's houses, with my boyfriend and my best friends. saw some people i didn't get along with, made up, saw all my good friends and enjoyed a good old fashioned drink-up.
i was wearing heels and a beautiful dress, and i was probably over dressed but i felt beautiful.

the most magical thing happened at midnight.
my boyfriend and i ended up separated, and i called him when there was 6 minutes to midnight, terrified that we would miss the midnight kiss. he ran to get a car back to the party i was at. i was standing out on the driveway, and i heard everyone counting down from 10. it got to two seconds, and my wonderful boyfriend was in my arms. we kissed exactly on midnight. it should have been in a movie.

so it's now a new year, new beginning. i don't care what people say about new years being just another day, it's cleansing for me, and an opportunity to be everything i want to be. this year, i plan to quit smoking marijuana, go to the gym at least three times a week and eat healthily (thus, losing weight). i also plan to completely re-do and re-furnish my room, save for my camera and start saving to move out of home.
i need to start looking for a new school to attend this year, i want to find a larger qld school so i have the opportunity to meet new friends and enjoy the company of new people. new start.



horrible photo of me with ellen in the backyard before we left.





group shot.
my boyfriend juleyin, myself, elle and luke.

 

free resorts and brisbane mates.

so last night juleyin and i went around to kirra, to a place called Wyndham Vacation Resort.
juleyin's cousin zane and two of his mates mikey and georgia were staying at this resort because mikey's dad gets it for free once a year or something. it was pretty nice, we were up on the ninth floor with a beautiful view of the beach, and there was a lovely sauna/spa/pool area.

when we got there we started drinking, and i was drinking elevates. i had never tried them before, and a four-pack was around $13 which is pretty cheap, and that got me smashed. i was so happy to get really drunk again, it's been a while.
zane was complaining that he had no weed so i told him i had some, and then he said he had no spin, and i said i had some. he like killed me with a massive hug. i only had one cone, i was pretty drunk anyway.

i ended up going for a walk to buy more cigarettes, and now i'm wishing that i didn't because that was money my cousin gave me for me to go get her weed. which means i have to pay another $20 when i get paid this week for weed. i also need to buy a bottle of vodka, and juleyin's christmas present. and ayla's. crap. i'm going to need a loan off my mother.

i felt kind of used by the time we left, everyone kept sucking up to me to steal my smokes.
after i got back from buying cigarettes i was just hanging with everyone else for a bit, then i had another drink and i was just fucked. i lied down on one of the beds and ended up throwing up, but someone had put a towel there for me so it only went on the towel. i was so glad i threw up, i ate way too much yesterday.

a few hours later i woke up, with no idea what had happened. it was around 3:30 am. juleyin was asleep in the lounge room on the floor, zane was on the couch and georgia was in the bed next to me. i got changed into my spare clothes, took my extensions out and tidied everything up and then tried to go back to sleep. didn't happen.
i then got dressed again and re-did my makeup and went out. i went for a massive walk around the whole of kirra/coolangatta, and watched the sun rise. when i first left i went to get a pie and it was really good, and about ten minutes later i wanted to puke.

when i got back to the apartment (i was so shocked i got the right floor and room number i nearly forgot), it was about 6am. juleyin was in my bed and didn't even seem to care that i had been gone. i got into bed with him and he kept asking me if i went to the toilet, lol. i wish he cared more if i was out on my own for three hours, like shit i freak out if he's gone 20 minutes.

i went back to sleep and got up a few hours later, with a huge hangover. that's usually a sign it was a good night. we went down and bought bacon and eggs for everyone but we were the only ones that had any. i had one egg, a tiny bit of bacon and some yoghurt with muesli. eating makes me feel so sick immediately after now, i don't know what it is - whether it's psychological or if something is actually wrong with me. hm.





before we left. i also got a blood test done yesterday so that's why there is a bandage on my arm.



georgia, she was really nice.



zane and me looking really fucking creepy



me "rocking mikey's hat"



juleyin and zane



this photo was actually an accident but i really like it for some bizarre reason. while i was out on my walk.

re-vamping my room and motivation

i have decided to completely re-do my room this week, hopefully i have the time and the money. i mainly want to get piles and piles of my favourite images off tumblr printed, maybe down at harvey norman where they have really good quality printers. hopefully it won't be too expensive?
i also want to draw up my diet plan on a massive piece of paper and stick it on my wall so i never forget, as well as do lots of sketches of thin, beautiful women to keep me motivated.

i also really want to buy some sheer, black curtains to put in front of my blinds but i'm not sure if i'll have the money/find them easily. hmph. i might ask mum for a loan.

the main thing is that i want to put posters and pictures up all over my room, and also set up the fairy lights that i bought today.

i want my room to feel like home again.

brisbane trips

yesterday (friday the 16th) juleyin, brodie and i went to brisbane for the day. it wasn't as good as i had hoped, like it didn't really live up to the days i used to spend in the city, but it was still lovely and much better than being in tweed for the day. i think it wasn't as fun for me because i didn't have a girlfriend with me and i started my diet and was upset.

i had a bit of money to spend, and i didn't really spend that much so that made me happy.
i bought some makeup and makeup brushes,  a shirt, a $50 gift card for a christmas present and a cute canteen water bottle from sportsgirl.



brodie and i in the city <3 i love him.

 



what i bought, excluding the shirt.

 



said shirt.

depression/weight loss issues

i am just miserable, all the time.
and it's not even like i'm doing anything about it. one day i'll feel wonderful because i won't eat much or i'll eat healthily and the next day i'll get high and eat my body weight in fucking chocolate.

my depression also seems to be back and i've lost all motivation and i've lost everything that made me happy.
work has also been terrible lately and i've been having the worst few days of my life. the other night juleyin and i went out for dinner to try to cheer me up, i still felt horrible. i was quiet and upset the whole night, then when we got home (to juleyin's) he had a massive go at me for "treating him like shit", when i was just quiet because i was so sad.
he ended up getting high and i got drunk, still didn't help.
the past day or so have been a little better, but still quite awful.

yesterday juleyin took me on a surprise picnic because we had to cancel our shopping plans, and i hadn't eaten all day and i was feeling so wonderful and skinny. it was about 2:30pm and i ate a lot of brie and stuffed peppers on crackers. it wasn't even that bad because it was all 50% reduced fat but fuck, immediately afterwards i thought to myself "how great would i feel right now if instead i just drank a whole bottle of water".

i am also hypo-glycemic which is the reason why i get the shakes if i haven't eaten or if i have too much coffee and don't eat. so i was thinking i could buy some barley-sugar lollies to suck on. i'm not concerned about the sugar in them, in fact that's why i need them. to keep my blood sugar level up without having to eat. i'm excited to try this theory out, i'll buy some tomorrow and not eat all day and see if i get the shakes. tomorrow i am going to brisbane so that will be good. i will get a bubble tea for lunch because they fill me up anyway.

i am writing this post from home, i have been working all day and got home an hour or so. today was the longest shift i've ever worked, i just realised. i'm glad i working all day thursday instead of thursday night.

today i have eaten: a steak burger my mother gave me for lunch. i'm sort of happy with that, i wish i had eaten some nuts or an apple or something but my mother made it for me and i couldn't just like, throw it out. i think dinner is soon, i will just aim to eat as slow as possible. i.e. not much.

after work today i got changed because i wanted to do some shopping, and then realised i hadn't been paid. i got all dressed up for nothing.



taken when i got home, i was wearing an oversized, long-sleeve black shirt and stockings, as well as my platform sneakers. the whole five minutes i was out wearing this i could just feel everyone's eyes burning holes in my thighs. i was just thinking how good this would look on a skinny person.



as you've probably realised, i have a new thing for black and white photos.



i just think i look nice in this one.

back to black :-)

very happy with it! my hair also feels really fucking healthy after i dyed it, for some unknown reason.
here's some pictures i promised.









i really am happy with how it turned out :-) i've also decided to start wearing all black again, for a while i didn't ~ don't know why i was changing myself but i feel a lot more comfortable like this and even though i don't feel like i look pretty to the strangers eye, i feel good within myself, i feel more like myself.
below is a photo of what i wore today, my boyfriend and i were meant to shopping but he got called into work so we just went for a picnic.





we just went to a little spot by the river in kingscliff, and got lost on the way home. i don't really like kingscliff that much, the only other time i've really been there i was with my ex boyfriend, and he left me in the middle of the town with no money and no idea where i was. plus i was 13 and barely ever caught busses so i didn't know what to do.

 

luke's 18th

just a little gathering at my friend luke's house, we used to be a lot closer than we are now, sort of miss him. conveniently he lives literally in the next street from me, so i could walk home for work the next day. this was saturday night.

i also saw meg there (http://kindoflovely.com) and we had some good chats, as well as rhiannon and i, whom i haven't seen in quite a while. i had a few drinks, and didn't stay for that long. i would have loved to stay all night and get really drunk but i had work the next day, sucks.



before leaving to go to the party, i wore high-waisted jeans with a floral lace shirt and a beautiful, daggy comfy jacket. idek why i just love that jacket. oh and my favourite pointy shoes :-)



a compilation of photos off my phone of me and todd... he drunkenly confessed to me that at one stage he liked me and kept making dirty jokes and hitting on me. i love todd but that kinda crossed the line for me.



selfies in the bathroom (idek)??



made up with storme as well obvs



took this upon arriving home. lol drunk lol

goals for the remainder of the year

the main connotation for this is to be more productive.
there are 48 days left of the year and i plan to make them count.

my first step ~

•  working more and getting fit.
  it's become abundantly clear to me that i have gained a substantial amount of weight. i now have a mass of 54 kilograms (kgs) or 119 pounds (lbs). how fucking disgusting is that. i used to weigh around 50kgs, which is still more than i'd like but i stayed that weight for a very long time, and it's not as if i'm still growing. i will be this height for the rest of my life, most likely. i always have this thing where i will stick to my diet and get all happy for a week or so and then i will relapse and binge and binge and binge. i have trained my stomach in the opposite way. i have been eating far more than i need to and now i get hungry and i get the shakes really easily, even if it's only been a few hours since i've eaten.
  my goal for the remainder of the year is to not eat less, but just eat healthy. and to get back into my regime at the gym. i want to go three times a week at least.
  i also want to begin working more. i only get two shifts a week and i have been telling my boss for weeks that i will be free and he almost refuses to give me extra shifts. i am going to go into work tomorrow and talk to the other manager who does the rosters and ask her for extra shifts. if a few weeks go by and i still haven't picked up extra work i will start applying at different places to perhaps start working a second job. i need more money and i need a reason to not sit at home every day doing nothing, because unless i have to get up early or do something with the day - i won't.
  ~


• saving more and spending my money more appropriately.
  like fuck, i'm sick of spending all my money from that week and and everything i saved from the week before. maybe i should just stay home when i'm not going to the gym or doing something productive like seeing friends or going out to buy a specific thing.
  there are so many things that i want and i need a lot of money for them, (most of them are online) and i spend so much money in real life on things that i really don't need. my only exception on buying things in real life is clothes. because i really need a new summer wardrobe and new clothes are cleansing and invigorating.
  so i really want to start spending less money, or mainly, stop going out as much on shopping days because i spend a shit load of money on food that i don't need and makes me fat, and i'm encouraged to buy shit i don't need. if it's not clothing or something cheap, i must not buy it.
  ~


•  lastly, motivation itself.
  there are so many things i want to do. and want to get back into. these include my art, making clothes, knitting and i really fucking want to re-arrange my room and set up a shrine-type thing, i have everything i need but i just can't be bothered to do it. i also need to do a big spring clean and throw out loads of old clothes.

day of shopping

best kind of day.
for me, at least.

today my boyfriend and i drove to harbour town, which is a big shopping centre composed mainly of factory outlets etc so things are generally a lot cheaper.
unfortunately we were driving up in his mum's car because she has borrowed his car for a few days ~ long story short it broke down and yesterday we had to drive to lismore to pick it up from the mechanics. everyone seems to hate lismore, but i think it's beautiful. maybe the people aren't, but i love all the old cathedrals and beautiful countryside that we drove past on our way there/once we got were there. my absolute dream is to live in a country town, in an old elizabethan country house with beautiful trees out the front with wonderful flowers and a swing attached to it. i would make my money off a little store in town that i owned that would sell things like clothing, ornaments, sewing/knitting utensils, candles/dreamcatchers etc and nic-nacs.

so anyway we drove up to harbour town, mainly because juleyin needed a new button up (business) shirt for his formal which is this tuesday.

after a few hours of browsing through menswear stores (omg most boring experience of my life) i was sort of allowed to "go off" and shop for myself ahah. my boyfriend is so cute when it comes to shopping for things he wants/needs. we both fight over where to go first.

so he bought his shirt and some cuff links, and i bought two pairs of shoes (all up $30) and a pair of high waisted jeans, a velvet jacket and a beautiful dress (all up $35) i'm the best bargain shopper.

- high waisted jeans.

high waisted jeans

jeans, further back

- business-like dress.

business-like dress

dress, close up

dress, different angle

- velvet jacket with metallic beading.

velvet jacket with beautiful beading, you can't see the beading properly because of the flash :-(

side view, my side-profile is just shocking

back view of the velvet jacket

- pointed flats with a slight platform. favourite purchase of the day.

favourite purchase of the day, slightly platform pointed shoes

better view of the point

- cream and beige floral flats.

floral flats

other view