going through changes

it has been a chaotic few weeks.
a lot of changes have been made, and a lot of steps have been put into place for further changes.

over the past few weeks i have made the foolish yet inevitable mistake of mindless ex-sex, which ultimately has made me worse off than i ever was. i don't want to delve into details, but it ended, again, because he did not want anything from me, other than my body. i told myself i was ok with that but in the end i was just in too much pain. long story short, i broke it off - and it was one of the most painful things i have ever had to do.
now that i am positive there is nothing left between us, and there never will be again, i am able to move on. though i have never been in more pain, and never felt more alone.
i wish i could cope better on my own. i know this is what i wanted and that i will be able to address my own problems a bit better while on my own, but it is just hard. i am not sure why i feel the need to be in a relationship all the time, but i wish it wasn't like that. i think i like having the distraction of being able to focus on someone else rather than myself, but this is something that i need to do.

anyway, moving on. my mental health has been worse than ever over the past few weeks, and i find myself fantasizing of suicide more than ever before. because of this i have decided to go to the adolescent psychiatric facility that i was originally going to be committed to in february. i am now just waiting for a bed. i am also back in regular therapy with my psychologist, and have seen a psychiatrist who has changed my medication. at the moment i am off medication for two weeks, to let my current medication get out of my body completely. i will then begin taking my new one - hopefully it helps with my moods. later on in the week i have to go see an eating disorder specialist as well, i am hoping that it gives me some closure with the helplessness i am feeling - but at the same time i am terrified to talk about it.

regardless, i am taking steps towards getting better, no matter how hard and painful it is.
i have never been more terrified in my life.

entry #2

you're still numero two.

MONDAY.
first day at school in like literally a week. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i have to complete a history assignment and a "prejudice" story by the end of the term, fairly sure. i really need to talk to my teachers about those.
but school isn't important. not to me at the moment, anyway.
two weeks holidays after this week - fuck yes.
i want to go away with juleyin in the holidays. maybe go and stay in brisbane at zanes.

[[[[[PERSONAL SHIT I CAN'T POST ON MY BLOG]]]]]

i really want to stay at his with juleyin for a few days and we can all party together in brisbane.
i think it would be mad and exactly the kind of thing i need.
zane must feel so good about himself, knowing everyone wants him.. can't imagine what that would be like.