new people, new ideas

i wish i could say this came with an accompanying new outlook on life but unfortunately that's just not happening for me right now.
i have spent the last 8 days in hospital. i only just avoided going to a psychiatric facility in lismore, because i told them i was happy and could guarantee my safety. whether or not it was a lie at the time is irrelevant, but i don't really believe it any more. i'm on an "Acute Watch Program" thing, which basically means i get called once or twice a day to see how i am and if i am in any danger from myself, and on the days where they don't call i am in therapy. had my first appointment this morning, it was painful and miserable. i want help and i know that this is the way to get it but it's just painful.
no matter how "happy" i get there is always a piercing pain in my chest and stomach, it just dulls from time to time. i just want it to go away.
i don't know how else to put it, i'm not in a good place.
food disgusts me, people disgust me, i constantly feel sick and there is nowhere i want to be - i don't enjoy being at home and i don't enjoy being anywhere else either. i just like being distracted whilst out with good people, new people. people who don't know that i'm a nutcase.

new school and weather conditions

i went for an interview on monday, and got accepted into the school i want to go to. the deputy was basically begging me to come to their school.
today (wednesday the 25th), was meant to be my first day but everything has flooded. this sucks. i am really excited but the only problem will be the travelling. i am now going to a qld school, and it has this awesome system where the seniors start at 7:45 monday to thursday and school ends at 3pm ~ and we get fridays off. i'm not sure how this will work for my thursday night shift, i may have to give it up, or start at about 5pm instead of 3pm. :/
though i'm not too concerned with that. i can tell them i can work all of friday, and if that's not good enough then i guess i will just have my sunday shift. i should probably look for a job at a place where i can work night times, like coles or woolworths. that would also be better pay.
because of all the rain and flooding today, i am just at home with my brother and bella. funny enough, my mother went to work and is now STUCK at work. i hope she can come home soon. :'( tonight i am meant to be going to a party in bilambil (which is on a hill), so i will still be right to go, but we will need to be careful when going there. i really wish i could get out of the house right now but i'm not that stupid.
while i have nothing to do today i am going to print off some images i like off the internet and attempt to sketch them. wish me luck !

if any turn out well i will post some photos at a later date.

room progress!

going so well!
i have my new curtains set up (which cost me 70 fucking dollars) with my icicle fairy lights hanging off them, my room is a lot cleaner, and as of yesterday i have my beautiful old school dressing table!
it's so wonderful. it was about $230 (a birthday present from mum) and it got delivered yesterday. and it's an antique! oh i couldn't be happier. it also has drawers so i can save a lot of space from that :-)

the only things i have left to buy now (as far as furniture goes), is a bigger bed frame and mattress and a new wardrobe. i'm not entirely convinced that i have to buy a new wardrobe, seeing as most places now have them in-built, and my current wardrobe is a hand made vintage one that used to be my mothers. she will not let me give it away/sell it so i really don't know what to do. it sucks though, because it is huge and takes up so much room in my tiny bedroom.
i might just do a massive clean out of all my clothes, and fit as much into my two sets of drawers as possible. then with the things i have to hang up, i might just buy a little clothes rack, kind of like you see in clothing stores. because if the place i move into has an in-built wardrobe that's fantastic, and if not i'll be set and won't have to take up much room :-)

ok i'm rambling. but point being, my room is feeling more and more homey every day.
i'll upload photos later when i get some good ones.

exercise entry/healthy bodies!

i feel so clean, i feel amazing.
i have been trying to cut down to 500 calories a day - it hasn't been going too well but not for lack of trying. my eating habits are getting a lot better and starting today am going to return to the gym as frequently as possible.

today i ate:
breakfast ~ nothing
lunch ~ "mini curry rice bowl" from top noodle
dinner ~ crumbed chicken breast, mashed potato and salad

as far as exercise goes:
i went to the gym and did ab exercises, running on the treadmill, cycling and rowing.
ab exercises:
~ hold body up for 1 minute (works your core)
~ 40 regular sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 10 side-to-side sit ups while holding a 5kg weight
~ 20 leg raises.

treadmill:
distance covered ~ 2.92 kms
time spent ~ 31 minutes
calories burned ~ 132

exercise bike:
distance covered ~ 6.85 kms
time spent ~ 22.5 mins
calories burned ~ 100

rowing machine:
distance covered ~ 520 metres
time spent ~ 3.2 minutes lol (this was cut short as we had to leave the gym).
calories burned ~ 26

 

i have also successfully quit marijuana. one day i will try and quit cigarettes, but for the moment, i couldn't feel cleaner.

organisation and the week ahead.

i bought a yearly planner a few months ago and i intend on using mine this year.
recently i have been trying to plan out my days better, but it's not going so well. i always end up staying at someone's house out of a spur-of-the-moment thing, and my plans never stick and i hate it.
i think it will be better when i start school again. speaking of which ~ i need to apply for the schools i want ASAP!! if i don't this week i am actually fucked, and my mother will send me back to banora. i cannot go back there.
there are many reasons i need to go to a new school. these include:

• i like the qld educations system a lot better and would rather finish my education in a qld school


• i need a new start, sick of people's shit and sick of being bullied


• i need to meet new people. more than anything.

when i start school again i will begin planning my days out better and writing down details of which class i have at what time, what we did so i can revise and what homework needs to be done. i will be travelling a lot to get to school so i will hopefully be able to do my homework while on busses etc.
i am excited to get organised, and all i want to do is to get good results, be a good student/better person and get my shit sorted.
i am actually quite sick of doing nothing all day, every day. i'm sick of chain-smoking, eating so much, my fucked up sleeping pattern and all the drinking and staying out.
honestly, all i want is to start school and begin saving.
i went to centrelink with my mother today, and if i move out my mother no longer gets family assistance or her healthcare card - and without the healthcare card alone she will be bankrupt from all of her heart medications that are around over $50 each. so basically i can't move out for another two years. i suppose i am ok with this, there's no way i'd leave my mum out to dry like that and i have everything i want/need at home. it's scary how crazy i get without normal broadband internet or the comfort of my own bed or even my setup in my room, it's comforting. not to mention how dependent i am on my mum.
not financially, emotionally. she's the one person i talk to about everything. besides maybe elle, but i can always tell my mother anything and know i won't be judged.

tomorrow i am working from 3pm to 8pm, and after that i am going to a gig and then elle is staying at mine after the gig. these plans are set in stone, so i guess i can write them in my planner ;-)

xoxo

the future.

i've been thinking about moving out a lot lately. mostly about what i have to do in preparation for when i do move out. this includes:
~ buying new furniture and re-doing my room (new wardrobe, new bed & sheets etc, duchess/dressing table)
~ start saving so i have some extra cash when i move out
~ buy my camera and all the other things i'm saving for beforehand, because i won't be able to save much if i'm living out of home.

i was talking to my mother, and she made it clear to me that i will be living in this house until i move out. i had expected that as a family we would be moving soon, but then i realised that was counter-productive. then when i moved out my mother would have to move again, to get a smaller place.
so i have begun preparing. i am going to start by saving for my camera and furniture simultaneously, mainly because i can't decide which i need/want more.  i will be getting a bit of cash for my birthday which should help with my saving, (as long as i don't spend too much of it on shopping and my party). i'm also slowly getting rid of all the useless crap i have floating throughout my room. this not only includes old clothing and shoes etc that i no longer want, but also schooling stuff, and childhood memorabilia that i really must work up the courage to give away, or if i can't - pack it into some boxes and store it away.
i'm so incredibly happy after christmas, i have everything i need to be happy and continue living my life the way i want to. i have my doc martens (which i feel so comfortable in, and they're fantastic for all the hiking i end up doing at parties etc), my new gorgeous studded handbag (which can fit everything in it not to mention how in love i am with it), and i have new underwear and bras which i desperately needed.
this year will be a new beginning for me, i am going to focus more on myself and less on destroying myself. i want to focus on my art, my health and a healthy way of losing weight, saving and getting back in touch with myself.

i'm far too excited.

 

bringing in the new year

i had a wonderful night. i went to a party at one of my close friend's houses, with my boyfriend and my best friends. saw some people i didn't get along with, made up, saw all my good friends and enjoyed a good old fashioned drink-up.
i was wearing heels and a beautiful dress, and i was probably over dressed but i felt beautiful.

the most magical thing happened at midnight.
my boyfriend and i ended up separated, and i called him when there was 6 minutes to midnight, terrified that we would miss the midnight kiss. he ran to get a car back to the party i was at. i was standing out on the driveway, and i heard everyone counting down from 10. it got to two seconds, and my wonderful boyfriend was in my arms. we kissed exactly on midnight. it should have been in a movie.

so it's now a new year, new beginning. i don't care what people say about new years being just another day, it's cleansing for me, and an opportunity to be everything i want to be. this year, i plan to quit smoking marijuana, go to the gym at least three times a week and eat healthily (thus, losing weight). i also plan to completely re-do and re-furnish my room, save for my camera and start saving to move out of home.
i need to start looking for a new school to attend this year, i want to find a larger qld school so i have the opportunity to meet new friends and enjoy the company of new people. new start.



horrible photo of me with ellen in the backyard before we left.





group shot.
my boyfriend juleyin, myself, elle and luke.

 

re-vamping my room and motivation

i have decided to completely re-do my room this week, hopefully i have the time and the money. i mainly want to get piles and piles of my favourite images off tumblr printed, maybe down at harvey norman where they have really good quality printers. hopefully it won't be too expensive?
i also want to draw up my diet plan on a massive piece of paper and stick it on my wall so i never forget, as well as do lots of sketches of thin, beautiful women to keep me motivated.

i also really want to buy some sheer, black curtains to put in front of my blinds but i'm not sure if i'll have the money/find them easily. hmph. i might ask mum for a loan.

the main thing is that i want to put posters and pictures up all over my room, and also set up the fairy lights that i bought today.

i want my room to feel like home again.

The ABC Diet - Ana Boot Camp

admittedly the title scares me a little - i do not have an eating disorder. i just hate my body with a burning passion and this has proved successful. i'm not sure if i'm even following it correctly, i'm just not eating.

the ABC diet is a 50-day diet which tricks your body into thinking it's going into starvation mode. each day you have a certain amount of calories you can have, ranging from 50 to 800. there are also  six "fasting" days where you consume 0 calories.

i have read that after the 50 days a lot of peple put on all of the weight again, but i'm just going to stick to it, or stick to eating the bare minimum. you don't lose weight and then expect to keep it off when you're not working for it.

i started this diet yesterday, the 16th of December, 2011.
my limit for yesterday was 500 calories ~ i consumed 501 in total and i didn't eat a single thing, just coffee and a low fat smoothie.

i also get the shakes if i don't eat (because my body sugar gets low very easily) so i also bought some barley sugar lollies, which are about 20 calories each and they stop me from shaking when i haven't eaten.

 

the 50 day calorie plan goes ~

Day 1- 500 calories

Day 2- 500 calories

Day 3- 300 calories

Day 4- 400 calories

Day 5- 100 calories

Day 6- 200 calories

Day 7- 300 calories

Day 8- 400 calories

Day 9- 500 calories

Day 10- FAST

Day 11- 150 calories

Day 12- 200 calories

Day 13- 400 calories

Day 14- 350 calories

Day 15- 250 calories

Day 16- 200 calories

Day 17- FAST

Day 18- 200 calories

Day 19- 100 calories

Day 20- FAST

Day 21- 300 calories

Day 22- 250 calories

Day 23- 200 calories

Day 24- 150 calories

Day 25- 100 calories

Day 26- 50 calories

Day 27- 100 calories

Day 28- 200 calories

Day 29- 200 calories

Day 30- 300 calories

Day 31- 800 calories

Day 32- FAST

Day 33- 250 calories

Day 34- 350 calories

Day 35- 450 calories

Day 36- FAST

Day 37- 300 calories

Day 38- 450 calories

Day 39- 400 calories

Day 40- 350 calories

Day 41- 300 calories

Day 42- 250 calories

Day 43- 200 calories

Day 44- 200 calories

Day 45- 250 calories

Day 46- 200 calories

Day 47- 300 calories

Day 48- 200 calories

Day 49- 150 calories

Day 50- FAST

Slowly return to a normal diet.

 

i have also realised that my first fasting day is Christmas Day. that won't happen in any way shape or form so i am going to fast for two days afterwards (or as long as i can) and then re-start my diet where i left off.

brisbane trips

yesterday (friday the 16th) juleyin, brodie and i went to brisbane for the day. it wasn't as good as i had hoped, like it didn't really live up to the days i used to spend in the city, but it was still lovely and much better than being in tweed for the day. i think it wasn't as fun for me because i didn't have a girlfriend with me and i started my diet and was upset.

i had a bit of money to spend, and i didn't really spend that much so that made me happy.
i bought some makeup and makeup brushes,  a shirt, a $50 gift card for a christmas present and a cute canteen water bottle from sportsgirl.



brodie and i in the city <3 i love him.

 



what i bought, excluding the shirt.

 



said shirt.

depression/weight loss issues

i am just miserable, all the time.
and it's not even like i'm doing anything about it. one day i'll feel wonderful because i won't eat much or i'll eat healthily and the next day i'll get high and eat my body weight in fucking chocolate.

my depression also seems to be back and i've lost all motivation and i've lost everything that made me happy.
work has also been terrible lately and i've been having the worst few days of my life. the other night juleyin and i went out for dinner to try to cheer me up, i still felt horrible. i was quiet and upset the whole night, then when we got home (to juleyin's) he had a massive go at me for "treating him like shit", when i was just quiet because i was so sad.
he ended up getting high and i got drunk, still didn't help.
the past day or so have been a little better, but still quite awful.

yesterday juleyin took me on a surprise picnic because we had to cancel our shopping plans, and i hadn't eaten all day and i was feeling so wonderful and skinny. it was about 2:30pm and i ate a lot of brie and stuffed peppers on crackers. it wasn't even that bad because it was all 50% reduced fat but fuck, immediately afterwards i thought to myself "how great would i feel right now if instead i just drank a whole bottle of water".

i am also hypo-glycemic which is the reason why i get the shakes if i haven't eaten or if i have too much coffee and don't eat. so i was thinking i could buy some barley-sugar lollies to suck on. i'm not concerned about the sugar in them, in fact that's why i need them. to keep my blood sugar level up without having to eat. i'm excited to try this theory out, i'll buy some tomorrow and not eat all day and see if i get the shakes. tomorrow i am going to brisbane so that will be good. i will get a bubble tea for lunch because they fill me up anyway.

i am writing this post from home, i have been working all day and got home an hour or so. today was the longest shift i've ever worked, i just realised. i'm glad i working all day thursday instead of thursday night.

today i have eaten: a steak burger my mother gave me for lunch. i'm sort of happy with that, i wish i had eaten some nuts or an apple or something but my mother made it for me and i couldn't just like, throw it out. i think dinner is soon, i will just aim to eat as slow as possible. i.e. not much.

after work today i got changed because i wanted to do some shopping, and then realised i hadn't been paid. i got all dressed up for nothing.



taken when i got home, i was wearing an oversized, long-sleeve black shirt and stockings, as well as my platform sneakers. the whole five minutes i was out wearing this i could just feel everyone's eyes burning holes in my thighs. i was just thinking how good this would look on a skinny person.



as you've probably realised, i have a new thing for black and white photos.



i just think i look nice in this one.

back to black :-)

very happy with it! my hair also feels really fucking healthy after i dyed it, for some unknown reason.
here's some pictures i promised.









i really am happy with how it turned out :-) i've also decided to start wearing all black again, for a while i didn't ~ don't know why i was changing myself but i feel a lot more comfortable like this and even though i don't feel like i look pretty to the strangers eye, i feel good within myself, i feel more like myself.
below is a photo of what i wore today, my boyfriend and i were meant to shopping but he got called into work so we just went for a picnic.





we just went to a little spot by the river in kingscliff, and got lost on the way home. i don't really like kingscliff that much, the only other time i've really been there i was with my ex boyfriend, and he left me in the middle of the town with no money and no idea where i was. plus i was 13 and barely ever caught busses so i didn't know what to do.

 

goals for the remainder of the year

the main connotation for this is to be more productive.
there are 48 days left of the year and i plan to make them count.

my first step ~

•  working more and getting fit.
  it's become abundantly clear to me that i have gained a substantial amount of weight. i now have a mass of 54 kilograms (kgs) or 119 pounds (lbs). how fucking disgusting is that. i used to weigh around 50kgs, which is still more than i'd like but i stayed that weight for a very long time, and it's not as if i'm still growing. i will be this height for the rest of my life, most likely. i always have this thing where i will stick to my diet and get all happy for a week or so and then i will relapse and binge and binge and binge. i have trained my stomach in the opposite way. i have been eating far more than i need to and now i get hungry and i get the shakes really easily, even if it's only been a few hours since i've eaten.
  my goal for the remainder of the year is to not eat less, but just eat healthy. and to get back into my regime at the gym. i want to go three times a week at least.
  i also want to begin working more. i only get two shifts a week and i have been telling my boss for weeks that i will be free and he almost refuses to give me extra shifts. i am going to go into work tomorrow and talk to the other manager who does the rosters and ask her for extra shifts. if a few weeks go by and i still haven't picked up extra work i will start applying at different places to perhaps start working a second job. i need more money and i need a reason to not sit at home every day doing nothing, because unless i have to get up early or do something with the day - i won't.
  ~


• saving more and spending my money more appropriately.
  like fuck, i'm sick of spending all my money from that week and and everything i saved from the week before. maybe i should just stay home when i'm not going to the gym or doing something productive like seeing friends or going out to buy a specific thing.
  there are so many things that i want and i need a lot of money for them, (most of them are online) and i spend so much money in real life on things that i really don't need. my only exception on buying things in real life is clothes. because i really need a new summer wardrobe and new clothes are cleansing and invigorating.
  so i really want to start spending less money, or mainly, stop going out as much on shopping days because i spend a shit load of money on food that i don't need and makes me fat, and i'm encouraged to buy shit i don't need. if it's not clothing or something cheap, i must not buy it.
  ~


•  lastly, motivation itself.
  there are so many things i want to do. and want to get back into. these include my art, making clothes, knitting and i really fucking want to re-arrange my room and set up a shrine-type thing, i have everything i need but i just can't be bothered to do it. i also need to do a big spring clean and throw out loads of old clothes.

i am losing patience

i am losing focus, i am losing reason to be here.
i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to feel this way.

i'm barely even alive anymore.

work is fucking horrible, every time i find someone who i feel appreciates my company i get spat on the face, and the last thing i ever want to do is be sober. someone take me away, someone give me something new, something exciting, something to make me feel like my time here is worthwhile.
i feel like if i get away, even for a few days, that things will somehow be better when i return. but that happens every time, and everything stays the same.

made a tumblr.... again

i decided i don't give a fuck if i'm seen as a fail tumblr user, i just like all the images on tumblr and they inspire me to blog about things on here. tumblr is just for pictures, this is a real blogging site.
i'd never write about the personal issues of my life like i do on here.

and i disabled anonymous questions so i don't have that fear of abuse.

i'm enjoying the images and like that it looks pretty, omg it's like tumblr's myspace and wordpress is facebook.

 

but i will always love this blog to death, more than tumblr anyday. any. day.