hate working, need money.

i fucking hate working, seriously considering quitting my job for no reason whatsoever.

i suppose i was just thinking about last year - having bright pink hair, getting drunk and stoned every single day, having no responsibilities and not giving a single fuck.
i miss that, y'know?

i just hate not being able to do things because i have work the next day or in the afternoon.

i'm just lazy, i'm just rambling.

but i need to work, i have so many things i need money for.
the most imminent on that list would be:

• asking alexandria/skyway/amity ticket ($50)


• those doc martens i saw ($250)


• and new hair extensions ($100ish)

extensions aren't that urgent but these ones are pretty much ruined, and i'll need new ones before the 4th of november,which is my formal.

i'm just a mess, about everything and every one and i don't know what to do and i can't bring myself to make my blog more organised again.

my "amazing friends" are not quite so amazing any more.

fuck, why can't a certain group of people just love me without something always happening?
or more, why is the entire population plain, bitter cunts?

i need someone new in my life

i am completely alone in the world.

my boyfriend is here but it doesn't feel like it, he has become so selfish and we never seem happy any more, we spend time together and i'll just be angry or he'll be rude and i'll cry but won't let him see because i'm too proud.

i suppose if he was gone things would be a lot worse

i just want someone to spend time with and take photos with and go shopping with and help me dye my hair and wax my bikini line for me and all the wonderful things girls like me do

made a tumblr.... again

i decided i don't give a fuck if i'm seen as a fail tumblr user, i just like all the images on tumblr and they inspire me to blog about things on here. tumblr is just for pictures, this is a real blogging site.
i'd never write about the personal issues of my life like i do on here.

and i disabled anonymous questions so i don't have that fear of abuse.

i'm enjoying the images and like that it looks pretty, omg it's like tumblr's myspace and wordpress is facebook.

 

but i will always love this blog to death, more than tumblr anyday. any. day.

bella maree wong.

our new baby :')

went to go see her on saturday, here are some assorted photos.



^mummy and bella :)











she is so amazing. she has a wonderful personality, she's so cuddle and floppy yet she's the littlest and most playful/active of the five babies.
she is 6 weeks old now and we are allowed to take her home at the 8 week mark. this will either be in the second week of my holidays or the first week back at school. i hope it's during the holidays. then i can spend the second week studying for my exams first week back at school and cuddling our new baby.

i had such a connection with her as well, mummy definitely chose the right puppy. she is 100% perfect, and definitely ours.

maybe she will bring what i've been looking for into my life, into all our lives. like if she was here right now i wouldn't feel so lonely and all over the place, she can watch tv with me and cuddle me and help me not be scared all of the time.

hair, of course

i am quite pissed off, to be honest. i'm pissed off at myself for never being happy with my hair, i wish i could just leave it alone, leave it black, but i just get too bored. the worst part is that it actually looks a lot better dark.
but blonde is fun, keeps me entertained and i think it looks alright, it will look better once i've gotten rid of the few orange bits at the back of my hair.
i want to buy some silver toner to put through it as well, i want to eventually get it silvery white, it will make it nice and even if it does wash out my face (being blonde that is) it won't matter because my hair will be a beautiful amazing colour. but it's weird you know, like everyone says it doesn't suit me because i'm so pale, but people like sophie suit being blonde - even white, and their skin is a lot paler than mine.
i don't even care really, it looks alright and i'm happy, my opinion is the only one that matters right?
here's some photos.



on friday night i /poorly/ learned to play guitar. bitches love guitars.





^ a photo of me on saturday morning, juleyin and i went to brunch with my whole family, this was in the car after we were leaving.



haha, we're cute. before i went to a "battle of the bands" on saturday night.

 

i think that once i get the orange bits to fuck off out of my hair, when i tone it and treat it i am going to mix a little bit of blue into the mixture. just a little. i still have basically a full tub from my birthday at the start of the year, and it would be good to just have a tiny hint. just enough that it's noticeable but not so much that i actually have blue hair. i think it will turn out good. i hope so. i might do it in a week or so, i just have to wait a while before i can bleach away the orange parts.

style evaluation

conclusion - i have none.

please allow me to change everything.
lately all i have been wearing is leggings, t-shirts and jackets. with either vans or boots.

this post isn't to rant about what i wear but i'm seriously so upset that i have no specific style any more. my mother constantly tells me i have my own unique style, but doesn't everyone? mine is just a combination of everything i find appealing, and most of the time it really doesn't go together.

i'm feeling lost, with everything. the way i look is a huge part of that, it always has been.
break up with your boyfriend, shave your hair. become emotionally deranged, become a weed smoking hippy.
i don't know why i'm even feeling like this, i'm not that upset or anything but i'm just.. lost. that's the only way i can describe it. i'm not feeling like myself and i'm feeling without purpose. my purpose used to be "helping people smile" or some bullshit, my old psychologist/rape therapist wrote this on a piece of paper after i told her this a few years ago, and it's stuck up in my wardrobe. it's complete and utter nonsense now, but i couldn't just throw it away.



i'd write what it says but i'm afraid i'm not quite comfortable with doing that.

where was i going with this?
i am always happier when i've been shopping, i always feel happy when i'm shopping, or when i've dramatically done something different with my hair, or with my room. i'm actually quite superficial. unfortunately my allergies have now prevented me from wearing any eye makeup at all, maybe that's contributing to the way i feel. i feel so fucking ugly without eye makeup on, i feel bare and boring and disgusting. and a lack of money has been why i haven't been really shopping too much. more than anything i fucking want a pair of doc martens, they'd go beautifully with my leggings that i've been wearing everywhere lately and i think they would look a little nicer than my leather boots i've been wearing lately. they look good, and i still love my boots, but they're not very edgy. edge is what i'm looking for, i want to feel and look different again.







today i am wearing my "om" necklace, my velvet shirt, leggings and my boots. feeling ok with what i'm wearing but ugh. my legs still look fat in these photos but trust me, they're fatter in real life.

this weekend (saturday) i am going to the valley and the city with stormey. i want to go to the markets and just get away from tweed. i hope i don't spend too much money, the next thing i'm buying (once i have the money) is a pair of doc martens.

please, let me save money. for my docs and for my camera.

 

 

and you don't have to say it, trust me, i know how pathetic i sound.

last friday night.

eheh, i'm funny.

brodie and i wanted to do something, so we were thinking about our friends that we usually hang with on a weekend and who we usually drink with. blake was in sydney seeing his girlfriend and aaron was at dinner with his father for father's day and his birthday. then brodie and i were like "uhhhhhhhhh, what other friends do we have?" it was pretty depressing to think.
brodie asked me to come into town anyway and that we would find something to do and people to hang with, so i got adam to take me to tweed mall. i would rather be bored with brodie and out somewhere than bored at home by myself. actually that's debatable, but i really wanted to go out. below is a few photos of what i wore.



a white lacy dress with my white stockings, leather jacket and vans of course. i never wear any other shoes.



my stockings and vans.

we walked around for a little bit and talked to liv while she was working. then juleyin came around to say hello, and so did luke. we chilled for a little bit and then liv finished work and juleyin went home because he had work in about half an hour. so it was just brodie, luke and me.
we were going to go to a hardcore gig but thought it would be boring and shitty so decided to get drunk before we went. brodie and i went halves in a case of beer, which means i spent $20 on beer for one night. i understand that isn't that much money but i feel bad for always spending money on alcohol. like seriously alcohol, cigarettes, occasional clothes and food - that is what i spend all of my money on. it sucks because it's not things that i can keep with me, they're disposable, they are ultimately useless in the long run but i spend all my money on them.

~lol rant about my lifestyle that i could change at any moment if i truly wanted to~

we carried the case back to juleyin's and had a few drinks there while he was at work. then juleyin's mum was going to be back soon and she doesn't like brodie so we left. we walked down to the gig, drinking on the way (oh my god i felt so scummy). we thought it was free entry because that's one of the band members told us, but when we got there we realised it was $10 entry and the band that was playing at the time sounded like absolute fucking shit, i basically wanted to kill myself. it turns out it wasn't even a hardcore gig either, so there was no way i was paying for that bullshit.

we decided to walk around until we thought of somewhere to go or something to do. this was a first for me and the people i usually hang out with, we always find something to do. we walked around back streets, drank more, smashed bottles, ran from security guards, all this random shit that got me feeling all weirded out because that's the kind of thing i used to do a long long time ago. we also decided to move a couch into the middle of the road.... seemed like a good idea at the time. loved the ranting old people when they tried to drive down that road. v a photo of me and said couch.



ahhhhhhhh, why am i so cool guys?

anyway, we decided to walk back to brodie's so we went back to juleyin's to pick up the case. as i was leaving juleyin's i got a phone call from the beautiful aaron. he was like "oi cunt, come get drunk at monique's" i was like "well i'm already drunk and with brodie and luke, if you've got room we are so fucking keen". he told us to walk to brodie's anyway and he'd meet us there. we finally got there, (and in my drunken state i thought i was fit and could run - big mistake) so i was so tired by the time i walked in the door i face planted on the floor. i looked up to see brodie's room mates and assorted other people doing drugs in his lounge room. then they wanted to smoke crack so they needed to make a pipe or something - next thing i know they were trying to cut a lightbulb in half with a knife? i was like "u niggas be trippin" and off we went.

we got to monique's, which was a beaaaaaaautiful big house in terranora. it was so pretty, i can't even.
long story short i drank more than i should of, and made the usual fool of myself with the vomiting and passing out and other assorted things like trying to give juleyin head at the dinner table, punching brodie and slapping juleyin etc....
i hate when i get like that, i never do when i'm drinking bourbon though, that's why i like to stick to it.

the next day we all helped clean up, then we drove back to my house and juleyin, brodie and luke hung out at luke's while i had a shower, tried to get over my hangover and get ready.
then we all went out shopping. (me, juleyin, aaron, amy and brodie).

i bought two baggy t-shirts that i think are lovely, two pairs of leggings (because i really needed some) and i found the most beautiful pair of doc martens ever!



i want them so bad, more than anything in life, omg, they're $250 i will save up and get them or ask for them for christmas! also i tried on a pair of normal black docs and they look pretty damn amazing on me, they're $230 i might save for them too.

/cease pointless blog post/

first day of spring

three months of spring or six months of summer?
i am keen for either.

ugh, today has been shit but also wonderful.
the sun was shining and it was lovely and warm outside, i slept in till about 9 o'clock, i bought lots of lovely things and got a good lovin' from my boyfee.

last night juleyin and i went out to our favourite restaurant - the one we went to on our one year anniversary. it's in surfer's paradise and overlooks the main street and it is the best food i have ever tasted. it is italian and the pasta is made fresh every day, you wouldn't think it would make that much difference but if i could eat that pasta every day i would. and i'm not even a huge fan of pasta. it is also very open dress, like you can wear casual clothes or fancy-ish clothes and not be stared at like a retard. i always go to non-fancy restaurants and i'll be wearing a dress and heels and i'll feel so ridiculous. last night i wore a floral short-ish dress and beautiful $200 flats that give me mad blisters. by the end of the night i had taken them off. anyway - where the fuck was i going with this?

lol so we went out to dinner, then drove home and had some drinks. we were drinking my bourbon and coke, and juleyin really doesn't like bourbon but drank it anyway, i was like ugh if you don't like it don't drink it. i was pretty happy to be drunk, i really need to stop obsessively drinking i am becoming an alcoholic. even now i am dying for a drink but then i would have drank every night this past week. this saddens me, like i don't really care but juleyin does and he makes me feel so bad about it. he does have a point though, i'm fifteen. i can't believe that on random nights or during the day i'll be like "i feel like a drink" or "i need a drink". i'm too young for this shit.
vvv a photo of me at juleyin's after dinner blowing smoke rings. wish the photo turned out better.

so we slept in this morning, and got up around 9 o'clock. by the time we got to school it was after recess, i only went to two classes today - one of which i had a math exam and the other i was doing nothing. why did i even go to school? then it was time to leave again because it is sports day and i refuse to both stay at school nor partake in physical activity. it's getting really hard to leave the school now, i wish it was like it used to be when no one cared. juleyin and i went to the shops because he needed to talk to optus about his plan, and i bought a beautiful floral handbag that was on sale, i got it for $30. image featured below.

bad photo but it's so beautiful, i love it.

then we went to juleyin's and hung around there till i had to go to work. while at work i had several shitty customers, i was about to pass out the entire time and my boss kept coming in so i had to work. my allergies are also playing up. but while on my break i bought this amazing sketching book, it was $17 but well worth it - it's awesome and shows you how to draw animals, faces (and parts of faces etc), cars, dancers, flowers etc. i am so happy with it.

oh!! and also today the white stockings i ordered arrived. they are so pretty and actually quite strong so i doubt they will ladder too easily. i hope. if not they're only $10 c:
below is a photo of me wearing them, i feel like a ballerina.