brisbane and the holidays.

very happy and excited that the holidays are here!
the last week or so of school was very stressful, what with the assignment i had due ~ but i got it done and it's seriously the best feeling in the world. i basically have no work to do over the holidays and i couldn't be happier!

because of this, and the fact i only work thrusdays and sundays, i absolutely want to get away for a few days.
i had planned to go this week but of course i got my period, so i'd rather go next week. i have no idea where we'd stay though..
i think it'd just be juleyin and i, i asked him to see if we could stay at his cousin zane's house, but he's not sure if there's any room there. iunno, i'd just love to spend a night or two out of tweed. i really need it.

other priorities for the holidays are:
- my piercings.
ok i'm so pissed off on this topic. when school went back last term i came to mum with tonnes of good results and said i wanted a piercing because i clearly deserved it. my grandparents were trying to find a new house at the time and she said when everything has settled down. i later revisited the idea, and she said we'll wait till my half yearly exam results come back. then when they did, (and i got really good results) she said in the holidays.
i'm freaking sick and tired of it. i tried to bring it up last night and she ate me alive. i was devastated and got so upset.
i honestly don't understand my mother when it comes to me getting piercings. she let me get my septum and my tragus done about a year ago, but now she won't let me get any more when i just wanted some piercings in my belly, as opposed to the "bull ring" she let me get through my nose
i don't know. i don't think it makes sense.

i know a lot of people think i must be stupid, needing my mother's approval for piercings, but i like to respect her wishes when i can and she's really particular with things like this. but when i turn sixteen in february next year i'll be doing whatever i want as far as piercings and stretchers go, so merh.
i just don't want to wait till then to get piercings that aren't even that bad.
there's a "2 for $50" piercing special going on at the moment and i really want to get my reverse navel and my tongue done, but i don't see mum letting me. this makes me incredibly sad - i hate that i only have seven piercings now. i've taken a few out now...

- another thing i have to get done these holidays is my room. i plan on going through my plastic draws and my bookshelf, and throwing out all my old crap that i have. it's going to be hard, and it's going to take forever.

i want it to be next year, stat.

pretty much in pieces.

i understand that my mum is really stressed right now, but for fuck's sake could she not take my feelings into account for once?
all i did was ask her a simple question and she was all up at my throat telling me to "do whatever the fuck i want".
i'm over it, i'm over it!
i'm so sad, my mum literally means everything to me but it's always a one-way relationship. i give in to everything that she asks for as far as piercings, school, tutoring etc, and as soon as i say something back she goes ape shit and i never get more upset than what i do when my mother and i fight. it's terrible.

this is just a pointless post about how depressed i am, and how much tomorrow is going to suck.
juleyin is here as well but i'm too upset to even talk to him so he can't help much.

i'm going to go eat dinner and become a mute.

so much nostalgia

exams all week this week, ew.

it's so crazy to think about how much i've changed and how far i've come since this time last year. i remember when i had half yearlies last year i was at one of the most shameful times of my life.
i had been kicked out of my home and was bouncing from house to house, i was drinking and smoking non-stop and it was around this time that i first started doing drugs. i remember one thursday night having a big argument with my mum and decided i was leaving. the next day i set off with my partner-in-crime, tori, with duffel bags stuffed with all our valued possessions and we left it all at juleyin's house while we hit the town that day. juleyin and i were close at this time, we weren't dating but we were getting together and constantly fighting the feelings we had for each other. that night we went to a party on the beach, and i still think it was the best party i've ever been to. or at least one of them. i got very drunk very quickly and i was then used as currency, something i am so furious about. i had no idea what was going on, i was out of it. some people i was with wanted some smokes and drinks off these guys. they said no, so they offered me to them. they gave them a few smokes and then basically gave me away to them. i'm not sure exactly what i did with any of those guys.
then a while later the cops came. i had to climb this mountain thing and got scratches all over me, and i left my only warm jacket down on the beach. that was my favourite jacket and i never got it back. anyway, juleyin and i were hiding up on this mountain and the only thing that kept me from losing my balance was a tree. i slipped, and began tumbling down this rainforest/hill thing. i got absolutely covered in scrapes and bruises but i thought it was hilarious. a little while later juleyin carried me back to his house.
i continued with this lifestyle for about a week, and then started doing weed. i also kept jumping from house to house, until i realised i had no money, i was filthy and unhappy because juleyin was back up in brisbane. i went home again.

a few weeks passed and mum and i kept fighting, i was wagging, stealing and going out and getting smashed when i was told to stay home. then mum basically kicked me out.
i was living at my step mother's house for a while, but it didn't really work. it was at this time that the half yearlies were on, and that's why i'm so amazed, comparing this year and the last.

now, my mother is my best friend and i love her to death, i never wag and i try hard at school, and we never fight about me going out because i'm allowed to go to parties now and she trusts me.

i still do drugs, i still smoke and drink, but everyone has their own way to deal with things.
also, i'm in a loving committed relationship, (it's mine and juleyin's anniversary on sunday also) and i'm not slutting it up.
can't even imagine this time next year.

oh and i had pixie cropped, bleach blonde hair. look at me now!
O_O

repeat of 8 years ago.

can't believe my poor mummy had to go through all this again.
ok so wednesday was my brothers 19th birthday. we had a lovely night, ate some chinese food and some cake and went to bed.

the next morning i wake up at 6am to my brother scared out of his mind saying something's wrong with mum. she was lying in bed, unable to move with pains in her arm and a burning sensation from her chest to her throat.

now eight years ago, (i would have been 6-7 y/o) my brother, father and myself were at a Jehovah's Witness meeting. this was back when we really practiced our religion by the book. during end prayer we received a call from my very distressed mother. i can't really remember what happened except that i was terrified and couldn't stop crying. she then went on to have another two heart attacks over the next day or so, leaving a total of three at this time.

on thursday morning a very similar thing happened. we called the ambulance, and they took her away. i couldn't stop crying and i don't think i've ever been more scared. she was at the tweed hospital for the rest of the day thursday and then thursday night they sent her up to the gold coast hospital for further testing and an operation.
they threaded a tube through her groin all the way to her heart along her artery, injected a dye and took a closer look at her heart. they were going to put another stint in (an operation she had 8 years ago to open up the arteries) but thankfully they didn't need to, the old one was still working. all in all they concluded it was a minor heart attack along with a whole lot of other medical jargon.

we all went up to see her today in southport and to our surprise we were allowed to take her home with us!

my poor, beautiful mum, she was poked and prodded so much and it hurts me so much to see her in pain.

i'm glad she's home, i don't even want to imagine life without her.

vvv the view from mum's room!