29th of august

today has been ok, but at the same time pretty shitty.
i have felt like shit all day, i have felt so fucking out of place and UGH just been sad for so long, i can't help it and i wish i could and i wish i could feel at peace at school, i wish i could feel like i belong and i also wish i didn't care so much.

i wish that i looked different, i wish that i was cool with cool hair and cool clothes and cool websites and blogs but no.
i wish i was looked up to by people, i wish i was inspirational, artistic, anything but this.

 

today was shit, shit people in shit classes and shit me with no one to talk to.
after school i went to my nan's house with my cousin ayla, it's the only real time we've spent together in so long.
we cuddled up together in bed and watched titanic, one of our favourite movies.
gypsy darling had some nice cuddles with us too.

<img class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-484" title="gypsy



then mum picked me up and we got some groceries, then went home. while at the shopping village mummy bought me a cute makeup organiser, she's so thoughtful.



then i had a shower, had dinner, other assorted things which leads me to now.
feeling like complete and utter shit.
had a discussion about the puppy we're meant to be getting and mum isn't sure anymore, because soon adam will have moved out and within two years i will have too.
then mum will have to get a smaller place, most likely and apartment, and you can't have pets there.

it's sad, but i think it's just another thing making me so upset. i need a drink.

school is no longer important to me~~

legit.

i have decided to become a pot head and stop trying.
not really but maybe then i won't be so motherfucking stressed every second of every day.
i've had so many exams, and assignments, and everything in between over the past few weeks.
i'm such a mess every day and i can't take it. it's all school and home issues.
we also got our subject selection sheets etc yesterday, i told my mum what i wanted to do and she raged at me saying they were shit subjects and i won't make it to uni. i couldn't stop crying.

i want to do:
- drama
- advanced english
- modern history
- software design and development
- textiles + design
- biology

i am very happy with these but upset that i won't get any free periods.
there's so many other classes that i want to do but they don't count towards an ATAR so there's really no point in me doing them.

can next year just come now?

miserable.

so so sick of this!
every day, i basically want to die. i'm not sure when my life became so pointless and irrelevant, or when i lost my ambition, but this year has been a total disaster and i'm ready for the next chapter to begin. i want to move houses, i need a bigger room, bigger bed and new things.
i want to be in senior school, study things i like and actually have priorities. legit i get no enjoyment from any of my classes, except maybe ist - but they're all so gay and boring and uninteresting to me. i should just start getting really grilled before school so it's at least a little interesting.
mostly though, i want to be 16. i'll be earning more money per hour, and i'll be receiving youth allowance off centerlink. with more money, i'll be able to get the things i want quicker, and save more. i'll also be able to get all the piercings i want which is a giant and wonderful thing. and, my mother will have no excuse to not let me out whenever i want. and i'll be driving. watch out pedestrians!!~

i suppose i'm just sick and tired of being so goddamn depressed all the time. i know i'm putting a lot of pressure on next year to be amazing, but more than anything i just want this year to be over.

next year, for me specifically

so. excited.
so many things will be different. this year for me is the most pointless, irrelevant bullshit ever. now that we have to stay till we're 17 by law the school certificate doesn't matter anymore! they've even said they're taking it out. i just want to be in senior school already. i want to study things that i like, i want to put more effort in because i'll be motivated to, and most of all i can't wait to be 16.
OMG ALL THE PIERCINGS I WANT.
and extra money from youth allowance, and i'll be earning more. i'd also have more freedom but that's not really an issue, i basically am allowed to do whatever i want anyway. i'm just looking forward to having extra cash so i'll be able to save more per week.
i'm still unsure about what next year entails for juleyin and i though. if he moves to brisbane for study, though i said i'd move with him i just don't think it will be practical. i'll get preoccupied and my marks will suffer for it, plus it would be hard to ever study. correction, *harder.
i hope more than anything that we stay together. i'll have to make do with seeing him like, one day and one night a week. if he isn't working too often i was thinking i could go up there friday nights, stay there that night and come back saturday, i'd stay all weekend but i have work. merh. just can't wait for school, money and piercings. then i'll be a happy chappy.

but of course none of that will help with my dire need for friends.